omg i cant do this anymore!! (face is hurting from my mask being constant over 4 days!!!)
*slips into the corner huddles up and cries* why did i think i cpould do it, i could cope i cnt even keep myself out of hospital for longer than 4 months how am i ment 2 do this course!!!!!!!
Theres a little truth behing every just kidding,
A little curiosity behind every just wondering,
A little knowledge behind every i dont know.
And a little emotion behind every i dont care.
*hugs Katey-Lou* Maybe the course may help distract you hun? Remember being in hospital is not your fault, it is the illness and you shouldn't punish yourself for that.
Alexx, I'm sorry hun. I didn't know your mum had reacted like that. Please continue letting us support you as best we can xx
On a side note- diazepam is ****ing cool. I haven't OD'd don't worry, just took the max recommended dose of meds. Just hoping it doesn't send me to sleep before I can do what needs doing.
I should stop thinking. If I don't think then I won't be tempted. If I'm not tempted then no one will have reason to feel ashamed of me or to pity me or angry with me. I should sleep. If I was sensible, I would. But since when have I been sensible? Lying to everyone around me when they ask that dreaded question "how are you?" or "are you alright?". I've even been lying to my boyfriend. Lying to my family is, in my mind, justified. But not to him...
Ok, I want to address all y'all... But first I want/need to be self centered and gripe a bit...
*makes herself as small as possible in her corner* I feel awful. I'm sure part of it is the fact that I'm worn down by this g*d awful cold I've got going... Just cut about a 3" cut on my forearm... Not real deep but... It kept me from taking my blade to my wrist which is what I desperately want to do. It's crazy, I want this so badly but I've got to hold off... I've got a friends wedding this weekend and I'd feel awful if I couldn't be there because I was in hospital I just feel awful though... I don't know why I want this so bad but it's awful g*d damn
Had my counseling session today... We talked some more about my family knowing I cut... What that's like for me, how things are different now... I don't remember, it kind of sucked... At one point, while talking about something only slightly related (my dislike of unsolicited contact) I was a bit of a smart ass and told him I just saw it as my bad attachment style which earned me a smile and a comment about psychology students . That was the only part of it that didn't suck...
But... Why in the world do I want to slice my wrists so badly?!?
*continues to huddle in her corner*
*sniff* I need my RYL twin
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
*hugs for Ally and Carole and Emma and EVERYONE*
*Leaves a whole bunch of hugs in a HugBox for Callie* you can all add some....for when she comes back.
Oh Jeez....I feel like I let my best mate down...
I was gonna meet her today...but she couldnt..so she said she'd meet me tomorrow (Saturday) and i was all excited...but then apparentlly i arranged to meet someone else on Saturday (although I thought I'd dreamt arranging it...:/) so I told my best mate and said she could come earlier and leave later than him coz i wanted to spend as much time as possible with her coz i miss her..but she didnt seem too keen on the idea and now i feel like a big failure.
And my parents took me out for a meal...said i could choose...so i did..but then they changed their minds anyway so we went to where THEY wanted to go...I had trouble eating...who am i kidding..i had trouble concentrating full stop..took me about half an hour to look at the menu and make a choice...i was reading the words...but they didnt seem real...they werent...meaning anything to me.. and i kept going all blank and feeling unattached and stuff...
so we got back and i felt low...and all i wanted to do was cut...but seeing as my parents found out due to my own sodding carelessness...i didnt want to risk it...
The following content has been hidden - Reason : May be triggering for ED sufferers
so instead i went upstairs and started purging and Ive really hurt my throat from all the retching..
then i got told off coz i wanted to be alone....
I have the doctors tomorrow...
I like my doctor...
he has a keen interest in the field of mental health...
Anyway...
I should go to bed..
but im trying to stay awake...coz i know i'll feel crap tomorrow...
its just another way of punishing myself for being a horrible girl...
Last edited by Detour. Derail : 04-04-2008 at 02:28 AM.
Reason: added colourrrrrrrrr
Much love to you all... Wish you weren't a continent and an ocean away
*fixes a tea tray with tea, coffee, cocoa, cake, and biscuts... And maybe a little alcohol -sorry, just wishing I had some-... Leaves it for everyone, pokes at the denial tent fire and wishes for her RYL twin...*
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
-sigh-a continent and an ocean...
that's...quite far...
but...technically...we're all in the same room ^_^
*pounces and hugs you*
Ok..I've run out of excitement...
*sits down and helps you poke the fire*
*keeps you company til your RYL twin gets back*
nearly time...
sorry about the poor conselation :/
*snuggles Alexx*
Not poor consolation at all...
Hey Alexx..? Wanna be my RYL little sis..? It's ok if you don't... Just thought...
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Sweet dreams, dear RYL lil sis don't listen to 'her', you know what's best...
*leaves cocoa for everyone cause it sounds good*
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Morning everyone, I hope you are all well :) *hugs all round*
God, I am so tired. Had trouble getting to sleep and then trouble staying that way. I dreamt about my Grandad. I hate dreaming about him because the dreams feel so real and when I wake up I have to face the realisation again that he's not really here.
my head hurts. as usual. i think my back/neck is ****ed up again. *sigh*
sorry i dont have anything for u. i just.....i cant at the moment. im so selfish. but. yeah. ally i know how u feel bout wanting to do your wrists. mine actually ache just thinking about it. i dont think i can go 2 weeks without seeing my counsellor.
sorry im so selfish.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
I just feel awful though... I don't know why I want this so bad but it's awful 
. That was the only part of it that didn't suck...
-sorry, just wishing I had some-... Leaves it for everyone, pokes at the denial tent fire and wishes for her RYL twin...*
