“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
We’ve got obsessions
I want to erase every nasty thought that bugs me every day of every week
We’ve got obsessions
You never tell me what it is that makes you strong and what it is that makes you weak.
I really admire you for having the strength to have gone through all this and for still being here to tell your story. It almost moves me to tears every time i read it, you have an amazing talent.
Alice entered my room minutes later; she took one look at me, purple faced and gasping, before running over to pull the wires from around my neck. I was far too dizzy and out of it to object, leaning back against the wall, fighting the breathes that were stealing into my lungs, unwanted and unwelcome. Alice said nothing, and merely pulled me into a hug as she sat beside me. I leaned into the hug, craving the comfort and motherly affection she was offering. Gradually, as my breathing normalized and my face returned to a more normal colour, I massaged the ridges wrought by the wires on my neck, and Alice casually removed the offending lengths from my grip, tucking them behind her, out of sight, out of mind. We stayed comfortably silent for a while, her holding me close, me gripping tight to whatever vestiges of calm and sanity I had left.
Gradually Alice spoke, low and soothing in her lilting accented tones. “It seems like you are having a really hard day today.” It was a statement, that while open to interruption, didn’t require a response. I nodded, leaning more heavily against her as tiredness tugged at me, tide like. “This morning, with whatever was behind that curtain, the running away to try and buy pills, and now this. Something is really hurting you isn’t it?” I nodded faintly. “It is ok to feel sad, angry, hurt, whatever caused those actions, however you do not deserved to turn those feelings on yourself. You are a bright…” I snorted derisively, but she continued on; “Intelligent, caring, compassionate little person. No matter how much you try and make us dislike you.” The shock that I had been rumbled must have shown clearly in my face. “Yes, I know how hard you’ve been tried to be disagreeable, to push people away. It’s kind of endearing actually.” I scowled at this, shifting away from her slightly. I needed people to stay away, especially people like this, wonderful people that didn’t deserve to be hurt by association.
Alice grinned at me, pulling me back. I grumbled, but remained beside her. “So what’s going on?” she asked finally, with a tenderness that tore me apart. Before I could stop them, tears were pouring down my cheeks. I swiped viciously at them, embarrassed at the salty display of emotion. “Shh, it’s ok, it’s ok, I’m here,” hushed Alice, rocking me slightly as I continued to sob. It was as though something had cracked inside, and this emotional dam was flooding out through the crumbling walls of my reticence. "I can’t ****ing do this anymore,” I moaned, hiding my face in my hands.
Do what?” Alice asked gently. [/font]
This! Life! It’s a ****ing shambles, and we all know it, yet we pretend things will get better, that the sun is just around the ****ing corner. Well it isn’t. The sun never comes. The better tomorrow is always just that, tomorrow, out of grasp. Every step of the way people ****ing hurt you and things get greyer and denser and darker and there isn’t a ****ing thing we can do about it.” I gasped, tears still streaming, and Alice waited in attentive silence for me to finish my piece.
Finally I recovered myself enough to speak again. “I’m tired,” I conceded, too weary to raise my voice above a murmur. “I’m so tired of being hurt, over and over. I’m tired of the memories of past hurts, and the knowledge that there is something fundamentally wrong about me that makes these people do this, again and again. That this is all I’m good for, as a vent for other people. I’m tired of being that person. That person that makes other people do bad things just by being herself. Him…(my uncle)…He was a good man, he did loads of charity work, he was a governor of a special needs school…he was always nice to me, buying me things, taking me places, laughing, teaching me to use a computer, lending me music…then there was the other stuff. The nasty stuff. And he wouldn’t have done that if hadn’t been for my stupid, obnoxious ****ing personality. Same with the bullying, with the kids on the road, then at primary school, then high school. There is something fundamentally hateable about me, and I’ve had it. I’ve had it with being that person. I want out. Now. I want the **** out.”
Alice sat with me for hours, cuddling me, soothing my sadness and attempting to fight to the beliefs that held me captive. It wasn’t your fault, she said, sometimes people did bad things, no one is wholly good or bad, and we all make our own choices, it’s Not Your Fault… I was too bogged down in my own self loathing and bitterness to believe her, however the fact that she said those things warmed my heart a little. Here was someone who cared what happened to me, really cared. Someone who respected me, and believed I was a good person.
After a long time talking, Alice suggested I go to bed. Panic gripped me and I shook my head. I knew the minute I laid my head down the thoughts would breed and multiply, making sleep impossible, and self destruction more viable. Seeming to understand a little, Alice straightened the bed clothes in a motherly fashion, gave me another hug, and told me she would be right outside the door if I wanted, inside if that was what would make me feel safer.
I slept soundly that night, knowing that no matter what happened, someone beyond the door would take care of me.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
