Sorry to hear that you are having such a confusing time, Katie.
This may sound really silly, but bear with me. In the Hunger Games (I don't know if you have read the books/seen the movies), Katniss and Peeta play a game of sorts called "real, or not real". If you have a friend or family member it would probably work best, or if not, we could help you here.
You could start with the easy things, for example if I were to do it:
My name is Fran. Real or not real? Real.
I am in London. Real or not real? Real.
And then move on to more confusing things, for example, I'm on this ward because I am ill. Real or not real?
Don't worry if it doesn't sound helpful, I just wanted to try for you xx
I've just woken up and got out of a medical ward. The story goes that I went to the train yesterday yesterday and was caught on CCTV taking something. I'm not sure I believe it because I'm certain I didn't take anything. Anyway I passed out and my breathing was fucked and got taken to hospital. There were no icu beds so up got taken to recovery (where people go post surgery). I eventually woke up. The ward brought me back. My cpn thinks I did take something. I'm about to see the consultant to find out what's happening. I want to get out but everyone says that's not going to happen. I had a CPA booked for Thursday which had now been cancelled because I'm too crazy to function in it. And I might lose my place at the supported living place if I can't move in on Monday. I feel like death warmed up.
Managed to talk quite well to the doc. She's not as much of a bitch as I thought. Staying on section 2 though :( don't know how long I'll be in for. Going have a bath and sort myself out. Managed to eat and drink a bit.
Yeah I'm starting to come round slowly. Apparently it's not 2007 and I don't live in London. Very distressing to think about but have to work to accept it.
Thanks. I've had a lorazepam and a bath and gona stick on Harry potter. It is going to be hard but I'm going to really work on it and do my best *determined face*
I need to rant a bit hope that's ok. Warning it's probably going to be very bpd!
I feel neglected and fucked up. I feel like people are judging me for being crazy and everyone hates me. I told a couple of friends about the 2007 London thing and I'm sure they must think I'm off the scale mental now. I'm embarrassed. Ashamed. Why am I like this? Why can't I be normal? Do you hate me? Would everyone be better off without me? The group I'm meant to be part of planned to meet up tonight. Obv I can't go but I wasn't even invited. I lost my bf cos of my mental health. Part of me wishes I was dead. Or at least for this to me over. I can't make therapy today because there is no one free to take me there and I can't make it there and back on my own. I'm upset.
Cpn said he would phone today but he didn't so I rang him and he was all 'why are you calling' which got to me then I spoke to the supported living place and I definitely lose my place if I don't get my shit together by Friday which seems highly unlikely and them they would let me out for a cig because I was too agitated and so I went bpd on their arses and smashed a mug against the wall and cut with it. Off to a&e to get stitches. Could I be more bpd retarded?
I'm glad you were able to contact some friends and let them know what is going on.
It's unfortunate you weren't able to attend therapy today. Hopefully you can pick it back up once you are out of hospital.
I'm sorry to hear it's likely you will lose your place at supported accommodation. I know you were quite focused on that. Will you still be going into supported accommodation but elsewhere?
I know you probably don't want to hear this but cutting isn't going to help with getting out of hospital. You need to try and show that if you are feeling like harming that you go to staff and get some support, just like what you would do in supported accommodation.
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥
What's done is done, so there is no point beating yourself up about it.
It may take months you are right, but it sounds as though thats where they want you to be see as they got you a place. I think it's something you need to talk through with your CPN if you are still up for it.
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥
After many phone calls I can apparently still move into supported housing. They are coming to the ward on Monday to sign the contract. I'm still on section two for now but getting discharged to the supported living place next week. Have minimal internet access until Sunday.
Had an awful night last night. Lost the plot slightly and was smashing mugs and chairs about. Broke a chair. Had a few panic attacks and can't remember much else. Feeling more stable today.
