Trying to keep fighting til Mon but really struggling. Don't think I can fight the voices much longer. Scared about being honest if I make it to Mon in case she admits me.
Urges. Voices. Thoughts. Too much.
hi Katie
i just wanted to leave you some hugs and to tell you im here for you can always pm or email me anytime, your not alone hunni hang in there and please try and be honest on monday that way they can help you as best they can.
take care hunni
jo xx
the more open you are, the better they'll be able to help you. It's better to be totally open and maybe be admitted than to hide things and maybe end up in hospital after did something. remember that as real and as scary as the voices are, they're wrong; and there's nothing they can do to hurt you or anyone else.
Every day the world is made a chance to change but i feel the same.
And I wonder why would i wait till i die to come alive?"
All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
Thank you both of you <3
I tried to be honest. I told her that I'm still very suicidal and that I'm not sleeping well. Also told her how stressed I was feeling and that I was struggling with DBT. She's doubled my Quetiapine dose to see if it helps me sleep and with the depression. She said to try to continue with the DBT because the skills will help when I'm in a better frame of mind to use them. I told her about my meeting at work and she said she thinks dismissal is the wrong way to go but maybe it'll mean I'm free to turn my life in a different direction. I'm seeing her again in six weeks.
I tried.
trying is good, you got some of it out. if things were to get real bad, could you request to see her sooner? i have little idea of how that works over there, completely different from here. hmm i hadn't thought about that with the dbt, maybe it would be helpful later on. *hugs* how are you doin now?
Every day the world is made a chance to change but i feel the same.
And I wonder why would i wait till i die to come alive?"
All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
i'm not saying this to sound harsh,as i know that this was a big blow for you. but now that the situation is finished, you need to focus on where you are going to go from this point on. what is the next step? (and don't you dare say that it is killing/harming yourself, oding...)
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
at least theres no more wondering about it. you did everything you could to keep your job, its in no way your fault. i'm sorry you're goin through this. as much as you wanted to return to your job, you were still very anxious about it. now you can try to find a job that you'll be more comfortable with. as katie who is not you said...whats next? baby steps. don't have to figure it all out right now. *leaves hugs*
Every day the world is made a chance to change but i feel the same.
And I wonder why would i wait till i die to come alive?"
All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
Katie - I know I should be thinking that right now...but I can't. I don't want my life to go any where. I don't want to have to make decisions or anything like that. Right now I am holding on to the one reason I've not ODed today and that's this pregnancy but in all honesty that reason is wearing thin and I'm wondering how long it's going to be before that doesn't even matter to me any more.
Anna - I know what you mean; closure and all that...but it doesn't feel that way. It feels like another kick in the face. I can't really look for jobs considering I have at least six appointments a week, therapy for half a day a week and I'm pregnant...there's no one who's gonna take me on. I've tried looking but I just have no confidence and no state of mind to think about the future.
Sorry this is all woe is me and all that bollocks. I don't have many more words - my R/V thread explains things better.
Thank you for your support <3 I wish I had something to say.
Made GP appointment for tomorrow...gonna try be completely honest with him...can talk to him most openly. Not sure what he's gonna say but can't go on like this.
you can't go on like this. you don't want to. no one wants you to go on like this, feeling this badly. which means that you have to make decisions to get better. i know that it is tough to get up the energy, but if you don't do anything, you will end up staying right where you are at.
im glad that you made the GP appointment. doing your best to be honest is great *hugs*
a job doesn't sound feasible right now, i agree. but that doesn't mean that you should just stay home. find other things to do... maybe you could take some time with Adam, or while you're at a therapy session or drs appt to do some looking around for things that you could do....
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
Told him everything >.< the plans, the letters, the videos, the medication I have stored up, how close I am...all of it. He was nice about it. He wants to talk to my psychiatrist to get an appointment with her sooner. He wants to see me in a week. He also wants to reduce how much medication I get on prescription...so I can't store them I'm assuming. He's put me onto the next module of DBT. He wants to look into things we can do that we haven't tried yet to make things different for me.
I also went to citizens advice and asked about benefits and stuff now I'm no longer employed. I've got another meeting with them in a week about it to see what I'm entitled to etc. I am also looking into doing some volunteering or something during the days so I'm not sat at home all the time. I had a chat with my best friend today and it was nice to feel like she actually cared.
I am sorry for the 'oh woe is me' posts...this week has just been shit what with the anniversaries of two of my friends suicides and getting dismissed etc. I know I just need to kick myself up the ass and get things sorted...and not just for me any more.
glad you were honest, not easy i know. what about the meds you have stored up? could they be returned to a pharmacist? or dispose them properly yourself?
don't need to apologize for strugglin. this weeks nearly over; next week could be much better. gettin out of the house is one of the best things you can do for yourself, helps to break the cycle. *hugs* you can do it katie :)
Every day the world is made a chance to change but i feel the same.
And I wonder why would i wait till i die to come alive?"
All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
Mhmm...doctor called psych who asked cpn to come round and collect stored meds. not sure how feel about not having them. scared. cpn appt on monday again. feels like all been too much today - head pounding, wanna sleep and can't stop crying. written something last night and might show cpn on monday if can. exlains better than what I do. just keep thinking wish hadn't give her meds >.<
take the day easy, do somethin you enjoy to help you relax. yeah, can be scary when an option is taken away from you. is a good thing that they are gone though, maybe try to focus on that? doin good katie *hugs*
Every day the world is made a chance to change but i feel the same.
And I wonder why would i wait till i die to come alive?"
All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
Know logically it's good they're gone but keep getting really jittery without them. I know it's wrong to have them but I feel more unsafe without them. Head won't shut up. Appointment with CPN on Mon but don't know how to explain.
yeah, in a twisted sort of way it feels safer to have the options your used to having. warped security blanket of sorts. its what you know; now you have to turn to something (hopefully a positive something) that you're not used to instead. i haven't been in the same exact situation, can relate though. try writin it out maybe before monday. got time to think about it.
Every day the world is made a chance to change but i feel the same.
And I wonder why would i wait till i die to come alive?"
All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
