Life, please... no more - Page 23

crazykat · 06-12-2009, 07:26 AM

No one would be better off without you around hun. I know this can be hard to see when your so deep in depression but I think that's when we have to take a little leap of faith and believe in those around you, remember you are cared for. You are a lovely worthwhile person who deserves so much better than this. You will get through this hun *Hugs*

Kahlia1981 · 09-12-2009, 06:29 AM

Well my low mood is worsening every day. My housemate has been struggling as well. On Sunday afternoon/evening he became incredibly psychotic and the form it took was homicidal. I had to ring the police to get him up to the hospital. As a result of the evening he was evicted - politely asked to find somewhere else to live. Since then he has been struggling with anger, especially towards the landlord and his treatment team who caused the problem to get that far by not answering the phone when they are supposed to be a 24/7 crisis line. Anyway now that he has been asked to leave I'm incredibly concerned that if my current state doesn't change I am going to end up having a psychotic episode and being asked to leave - and I have nowhere to go. I don't have access to anyone or any agency that could help me to find somewhere......

I don't know what to do anymore. I would seriously like to end my life right now. *sigh*

crazykat · 09-12-2009, 06:37 AM

*cuddles Kahlia* I am sorry things are so hard right now, I wish I had some advice but hold on there. I'm thinking of you and am here if I can help in any way

Kahlia1981 · 12-12-2009, 08:41 AM

My mood and my head are playing extremely nasty games now. I've had a headache - or should I say a blinding headache - for most of the last week. I'm a little scared of being on my own but am still happy that my landlord and his fiancee have gone out. I have no plans for my life, no real desire to live, no desire to make plans ... I tried to reach out to my friends but have basically met with silence. I'm thinking of just "running' away for a bit. In the darkness of my mind at the moment I'm thinking about giving away my possessions, including my brand new MacBook. *sigh* I know now what time it is .... It's time to ring the crisis team and try and get some help...... But I also know that I'm not going to.

crazykat · 12-12-2009, 01:33 PM

*Hugs* I think you know that deep down you do need to ring the crisis team. What's making you hesistant to do this?

Kahlia1981 · 13-12-2009, 02:43 AM

Kat - I think the hesitation stems from the fact that even if I ring them all they are likely to say is "breathe". They are completely incompetent.

My headache turned into a migraine last night and resulted in me spending half an hour praying to the porcelain goddess. Vomitting in other words. I now feel like I've been hit by a train. It really pissed me off ... I was trying to watch Iron Chef and spent from the tasting onwards in the loo... I really wanted to know who won. Yeah, I know, it's inconsequential but stil...

I'm supposed to be meeting up with my friend this afternoon. I'm hoping he keeps his word because I have to buy some stuff to help me care for my piercing. Selfish me lol. I want to meet up with him and just have a good old fashioned chat, and it would be nice to be able to get the stuff I need while I'm already out - as opposed to making a separate trip.

Oh, I don't know if I mentioned it but I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on the First of February. I'm not sure that it's going to work out, but I guess I have to try. *sigh* There seems to be an awful lot of that going on at the moment.

crazykat · 13-12-2009, 05:31 AM

Yeah I can relate to crisis line being ****, I have had crap experiences with them too. That migrane doesn't sound nice, you seem to be getting alot of headaches and stuff at the moment so do you think it would be worth mentioning them to your doctor. I hope everything works out with your friend and you have a nice time out. That's positive about the pysch, I really hope it all turns out for you. *hugs lots*

Kahlia1981 · 13-12-2009, 08:00 AM

Thanks for the hugs Kat. I really appreciate them.

Yeah, the crisis line here is ****. They are supposed to be the first point of call so you can work out whether you need to go to the hospital and if you really should be admitted, but 9 times out of 10 they just appear to be trying to get you off the phone. Telling you that you'll be fine regardless of what you tell them ... or just not bothering to answer the phone in the first place.

The migraine was really not nice. I've been having effects from it all day - like feeling dizzy or like I was going to collapse after riding my bike. I'm going to mention the headaches and so forth to my GP tomorrow when I see him.

My friend contacted me and I went out to meet up with him. It was nice just having a little chat. I told him about my parents wanting me to fly to South Australia to meet up with them for christmas. Because they want me to finance it I can't go. Meh. Anyway the time away from home was good, even if I nearly collapsed walking from where I left my bike to the place I met up with my friend. Hopefully he is going to help me to migrate my desktop computer into something I can work with.

The appointment with the pdoc is something I'm still not sure about. I am kind of looking forward to it but am a bit unsure that it will actually do any good. I guess I've just had so many bad experiences with pdocs in the past. Still, I have to give this one a chance.

Anyway, today hasn't been too bad so far. I do have a headache again ... I'm just hoping that it doesn't turn into a migraine. *sigh*

crazykat · 13-12-2009, 11:00 AM

Sounds like our crisis line, they are pretty useless. Glad you were able to meet up with your friend. I hope your headache eases for you. I think it's natural for you to be hesitant about the pdoc but as you said you have to give it a shot, after all you have nothing to lose. I really hope it works out for you this time though. *hugs lots*

Merc · 14-12-2009, 12:23 AM

Just lots of *hugs*
and good luck with the new psych.
xx

Kahlia1981 · 15-12-2009, 04:25 AM

Well, my ex-housemate and I are house-hunting - against the will of his tdoc. As far as I am concerned though ... she can go and shove it up her cardigan. My friend is going to look at an apartment this afternoon, but after a drive-by earlier on he doesn't think that this particular place will work. He said it doesn't look secure, and since we have something like $5000 worth of computers between us, not a good thing. So, unless I hear something to the contrary, he and I are going to meet up tomorrow morning with a copy of the real estate section of the paper and start looking seriously. I must confess it will please me to be able to leave my current residence behind.

My GP yesterday told me that he and my tdoc have made a referral for me to see an independent pdoc. We aren't sure when that will come through. Apparantly neither he nor my tdoc have much faith in the system. I don't know how anyone could have faith in the system ... they have caused more deaths than the number of people they have helped. *sigh*

I would just like to unscrew my brain and stick it in a jar somewhere while it is playing silly buggers and pop it back in gain when it settles down. Pity that can't happen.

crazykat · 15-12-2009, 09:45 AM

*cuddles Kahlia* Good luck with the househunting sweetheart, I hope it turns both out for you. Also good luck with the referral. Thinking of you.

Kahlia1981 · 15-12-2009, 09:54 AM

Hey thanks Kat. I hope that the househunting goes well too.

I've had a headache for most of the day and have been once again attacking the painkillers. Now I'm just incredibly tired. I have to get through the shower and clean my piercing then take myself to bed and try and get a good night's sleep in.

Meh. I'm over all this ...

crazykat · 15-12-2009, 11:44 AM

Hope you get a good nights sleep and feel a bit better tomorrow

Merc · 15-12-2009, 07:15 PM

Hope you are getting a good night sleep.
Good luck with house hunting and the referral. I hope it comes thru soon.
*hugs*
xx

Kahlia1981 · 24-12-2009, 11:06 AM

Well we are all moved into our new house/unit with electricity, internet and various other things all connected and organised. My housemate has been taken to hospital with chest pain again ... only a few hours after he had been released from hospital after having chest pains. I'm not sure how long he'll be in there or anything like that. I really hope that he doesn't have to spend christmas in there ... but I guess we just have to wait and see. His mother is up at the hospital with him and has said that she will keep me informed when they know what is going on, so right now I just have to play the waiting game. It's really not good considering I went psychotic last night for 3 or 4 hours and I have no idea what I actually did but I have 4 new scars on my chest. *sigh* I hope it doesn't happen again ... I'm getting sick of sleepless nights and strange half-memories of talking with historical figures or people that I don't think exist in any plane of imagination, visions and arguments and the feeling that if I jumped out the window (we're on the top floor) that I would float to the bottom unharmed.

But anyway, to anyone who takes the time to read this, Merry Christmas.

Kahlia1981 · 25-12-2009, 12:18 PM

Well my housemate was released from hospital at 1am this morning. I had my sister and her family over for breakfast which was an interesting experience. Then they went to Ayr to visit my brother-in-law's family and my housemate and his mother picked me up and we went over there for lunch and most of the afternoon. He's still having chest pains but there is nothing that the hospital will do for him, so he is trying to get some sleep right now. In some ways it has been a long and trying day ... and now I'm beginning to go psychotic. Meh ...

Kahlia1981 · 04-01-2010, 10:32 PM

Well things have definitely been interesting . . .

Christmas eve my housemate was taken off all his psychotropic medication because his ck levels were high. They were at the same level as the ck levels of an athlete after a long race. He started going psychotic on Christmas day and I basically acted as a nursemaid until he came out of it about 3 days later. He was walking around the place naked and I had to lock our balcony security door so that he wouldn't walk off down the street.

Anyway, after he came out of it we went up to the hospital for a "please help" and "please explain". They started him back on one of his tablets and arranged for him to have regular contact with the crisis team and a medication review etc. Since then he's actually been doing extremely well.

Enough about him and the background information ...

I have slept 2.5 nights in the last 2 weeks. Christmas night I began to vomit up my medication and any food I ate ... This continued for about 7 days. I've been slowly trying to get myself back to some state of normality.

I saw my GP last week and told him that I hadn't slept for x number of days and had been regularly vomiting and he told me to "just go home and get some sleep". I tried to explain to him that I couldn't but he just kept coming back with "you can". *sigh*

I tidied everything up at my old place - got back the full rental bond and so forth and picked up everything that I could find that I had left behind. Considering how weak I was feeling by then, I'm surprised that I could even make the short walks that I had to do in order to make my appointments etc on that day. I nearly collapsed walking across a road for goodness sake!

Now I can take my medication if I space it out so that I'm not trying to take 5 or so tablets at once, but it means that it takes me far longer to actually take the damn things and now I'm starting to resent having to take them.

Ha, one more thing. I went manic as hell on New Year's eve. I jumped out my bedroom window giggling and then ran up and down the street. I'm very lucky that I didn't break any bones when I jumped out the window.

I think I'm living on the catastrophe curve . . .

Kahlia1981 · 17-01-2010, 02:37 AM

I would seriously like to run away right now. I just want to disappear and never be seen again. I want out ... I want everything - all the pain, all the **** - to stop. I'm sick of living.

I gave my knife to my housemate with the instructions "don't give it back to me for a few days" ... which he has interpreted as "don't give it back to me". Part of me wants to search his room for it ... But I know that I won't. I guess if I get stuck I can always limp down to the hardware store and get another one.

Maybe I should ...

Kahlia1981 · 30-01-2010, 12:32 AM

Well it's been an interesting couple of days.

My housemate took me up to the hospital in an ambulance where they basically told him that he had to look after me and they would get the crisis team involved. The crisis team didn't help and I kept getting worse so he rang an ambulance on me again.

This time I got admitted but when someone assessed me they decided I was too high risk to stay in the open ward and I got moved into PICU. I spent 4 days there and then was released into the wild with absolutely nothing in my situation having changed.

As far as I can tell the hospital system really only cares about how many patients they kill.

I'm still having really bad thoughts of suicide and self harm but if I went back to them they wouldn't do anything so it's just not worth it.

I just want out now. It's all too much.