Intense emotional pain

[one_step_closer]

Thanks for asking, Tamo.

I'm finding things extra difficult because recently I have been waking up in the morning intensely suicidal and panicky. It does pass as the day goes on but feeling it in the moments it's there is really hard to cope with. There's no one I can get in touch with because the person on Duty this weekend is the one who didn't acknowledge that I told her I was suicidal before I attempted suicide at the beginning of the year. I can't work out how to soothe myself or distract myself and I'm not understanding what my brain and body needs. Now that I don't seem to be able to self harm much I don't know how to settle.

[one_step_closer]

I don't feel like anyone can help me any more but I'm posting here just in case. The reason I don't feel like anyone can help is that I have had a lot of the same issues for the majority of my life and meds, therapy, etc haven't done much if anything. I have a CPN who doesn't seem to know how to help and just says the same things and spends most of our appointments having a general chat. I have tried lots of meds and they only do the basics for me, which I am glad they do that at least but I wish they would help more.

I have been getting increasingly suicidal with every day that passes this year to the point where it's becoming too hard to handle and I don't want to continue with this torture. I spoke to someone from Duty today and his opinion (and the opinion of a lot of people) is that I am always suicidal so I'll be fine and no one hears when I tell them I am acutely suicidal and can't deal with it in this moment. The Duty guy was forceful with trying to get me to have a reason for feeling suicidal but it's more of a huge emotion with no thoughts attached to it so there's nothing to try and challenge/figure out. He thinks I just need to hold on to see my CPN but like I said my CPN isn't helpful. I don't want to change CPNs though. There has been a lot going on since close to the end of last year though. With my MH and physical health and having to worry about things other people are going through.

I can't find ways to feel better because I don't enjoy anything any more and there's nothing I want to try or even feel able to try because changing my routine is so distressing. I'm not happy with my routine but at the same time it does help in some ways. I have the option of changing psychiatrists because the one I saw on the ward seems to understand me more than the one I see in the community and I have been thinking of asking to change in case she has some new ideas but at the same time surely she won't have any new ideas because I have seen lots of different psychiatrists and they haven't managed to help.

I feel like I could cope better when I was self harming. I still self harm sometimes but I can't deal with the pain so I don't cause as much damage as I used to or get much relief and maybe that could be seen as a good thing but now I can't find anything to replace it that helps. It's like every day is torture and I don't want to feel that torture until I eventually die.

[Pi.R^2]

Have you ever tried non-time-limited counselling? I wonder if one who has experience/training in neurodivergence (or better, is ND themselves!) would be helpful for you? Especially since your CPN really doesn't seem to be a good fit at all!

It can be hit and miss with counsellors but when you find the right one it can be life-changing!

[one_step_closer]

Thanks for your reply.

I think I have only had counselling when I was at school and uni. I've mostly seen psychologists and tried psychotherapy but I went through the assessment sessions and the therapist concluded I was too vulnerable for that type of therapy. I'm just not sure where to start with looking for different kinds of help and at the moment it's hard to take action with a lot of things and make decisions. And I don't even know what I need to work through. I spoke to someone on Duty yesterday who said she would email my CPN about asking my psych if I can try Venlafaxine again as that was the best antidepressant for me. If it is allowed and it helps then maybe I will have more focus and be less low and suicidal and can work out what I need.

[one_step_closer]

Posting here again because it feels like the easiest place to write about multiple things and more room than a Fb post which I think needs to be short.

I hate posting about this because it's really distressing and I just want to forget about it and not feel like it's a problem. I'm getting upset and worried and panicked about my sleeping pattern. I've never really had a sleeping pattern I've been happy with as an adult. Currently I don't sleep well through the night because of pain and I do most of my sleeping in the morning. I aim to get up at 9.30am which is late enough but I rarely make it out of bed at that time and can be up to an hour late getting out of bed. I'm usually lying in bed panicking so it's not good but I just feel so exhausted. My CPN says it's not a big deal because I have nothing I absolutely need to be up for and I make it to all my appointments and I get all my daily tasks done. I wish I could figure out how to tell myself it's ok because that's the biggest thing really - the way I interpret things and it's not easy to change my thoughts. Any ideas appreciated.

Also, I am very fixated on time and what I can and can't do at specific times. Since I'm getting up later there is less time to do things and I've recently realised I prefer to have a good bit of time out of the house but it depends on the time where I can go. I freak out if I'm back home quite a bit into lunch time. I've tried to challenge myself but I get very anxious and upset to the point of tears in public. I don't know why doing things at a set time is an issue except for the possible autism. I stopped wearing my watch so I'm not checking the time as obsessively. With the possible autism stuff I feel like when I'm out of the house everyone can tell that I feel vulnerable. I do a lot of masking but some things I can't seem to hide. When I'm home on my own I'm harsh with myself if I start making repetitive noises and movements. I can't even unmask with myself because I am a bully to myself. I do think knowing for sure if I have autism or not would be useful. The new-ish assessment place that has opened in my area is now accepting referrals from psychiatrists whereas they were only accepting referrals from GPs before. My psych is keen to get me assessed and I wrote some things and did the AQ for my CPN to pass on to him but my CPN said my psych isn't doing things for people in between appointments and I might need to wait until my appointment in August to bring it up. But it's the psych's job to do things other than just have appointments and he has been doing things for my friend so I don't know why my CPN said that. I guess I'm asking how to be more accepting of myself.

I don't know if I've even said what I need to here. There's a lot going on.