The Borderline Personality Disorder Thread - Page 225

x-dying-inside-x · 06-10-2009, 06:49 PM

Grace please be careful hunny, im here if you wanna talk.

I feel like my world is falling down around me. I've been going to college and i've even added another class to try and stop me from going mad but its not working. I called mental health on friday and they said i need anti depressants again or hospital so i said i will go bck on them but atm my gp wont give them to me incase i try to kill myself. i feel like im dieing i just want to give up ive had it i really have. I've started cutting again aswell which isnt helping anything. I feel so lost and ive got all my friends who were great today yet i feel soo alone.
xx

XxHellzxX · 06-10-2009, 11:39 PM

Hey,I know I haven't been around much in the past few days,got a call that my Nan in England has swine flu so I've been ringing etc checking in on her and my parents (who were in spain at the time)
So things have been a bit hectic.

I will read back on all the pages so I can get up to date

x-daniella-x hold in there *hugs*

Hollz · 07-10-2009, 12:37 AM

I am so annoyed at myself for eating so much tonight, know Ican't do anything now, but well ugh I just feel like the pounds are piling on at the moment, I know they are.

As mentioned earlier, had to contact my work to advise that I had a sick line for the next two weeks. I couldn't bring myself to pivk up the telephone, so I sent an eail both to my line manager and the human resouces manager, just advising that had another line for the next 2 weeks etc, and also apologised for not phoning, said my anxiey levels were too hight to phone atm...which in a degree is true, I was near hyperventilating at the thought of phonin them, so yeah...got an email back from my supb sayin, thanks for letting us know how you are and hope to see you soon, so hopefully that means its all okay, I hope so anyway....

Anyhow I rant away. Just in, Mari leading me astray and trying to get me drunk :P - nah, had a good day, have taken my meds and hope to fall asleep soon, mum is back on thurs, need to tidy tidy tidy....

Hope everyones doing okay x

discovery_journey · 07-10-2009, 07:16 AM

not coping, losing control but desperately trying to cling on
got lots of options for voluntary work... too many options really. panicking.
i feel:
i am trapped in a body i hate and despise with a mind that is faulty with unstable emotions and a flawed personality
i am close to giving up
i am on meds which i take as prescribed
i have had therapy, yet i am still screwed up
i don't know what to do
well... i know there is a solution which is literally screaming at me
I heard it. It was my voice.
I'm lostt.

ThinkingofRecovery · 07-10-2009, 11:11 AM

Sorry I missed so much, I took my night meds early again.

As of last night, it is 8 days since I last cut. Urges are difficult but still trying.

Got to find a way to take advantage of the sunny day and motivate myself to go to the supermarket today. It seems like so much effort.

~Grace~ · 07-10-2009, 11:45 AM

congratulations on being 8days free of harming Carrie xx

ThinkingofRecovery · 07-10-2009, 01:36 PM

Thanks Rowie but tbh I don't think I will make it to 9. Part of the urges I have I think are because I know I will cut again so I might aswell do it now instead of a few days time when I will be more disappointed because i will have gone longer without. Does that make sense?

Even though I had 8 bottles of beer in the house last night, I only had 2.

I don't know how I have managed to be kinda ok re sh/drinking considering all the stress of my mum and sister etc.

How are you doing today Rowie?
xxx

~Grace~ · 07-10-2009, 02:03 PM

It does make sense Carrie. But 8 days is really good and its something you can build upon...maybe try for 9 days next time. This is what my therapist tries with me and it has worked but I am stuck on 7 days. I think you have done really well considering all the anguish re your mum and sister, sometimes it helps to have something else to focus on rather than what is happening around you......and you focused on your own wellbeing...you did well xx

Me? im sitting here dreading therapy this afternoon, thinking ive made the wrong decision about work

Hollz · 07-10-2009, 03:59 PM

Well done Carri, thats a great acheivement, stick in there and you will get there, if you have any urges, just please come and talk to us.

Hope you therapy is going okay therapy.

That was me sleeping 15 hours again there approx, I am sleeping way too much atm, eating too much and not exercising, ugh x

whirlpools · 07-10-2009, 04:04 PM

Holly, i am oversleeping too. do you think it's the weather? i find it's miserableness makes me very exhausted.

Rowie, good luck at therapy. Also, you can change your mind about work?

Carrie, you've been very brave in the way you have dealt with everything. Remember though that you need support to do this. Have you seen your social worker recently? Sorry for being nosy.

agedharmer... that sounds really difficult. Sometimes therapy can take years and years before you start to really notice the benefits, especially if you spent years and years locked inside a bad place.

I didn't get angry with my OT at all today. Was my usual self. She believes me about things from when I was little, at least I think she does.

Hollz · 07-10-2009, 04:33 PM

I deffo think it is a combination of a few things atm. I am off work sick, so I have nothing to get up for, the weather is depressing yeah and I will always struggle more at this time of year, I took my quetiapine about 1am last night, thats about 15 hours approx.

I have about 24 hours till my Mum and Dad are back, I really need to move my ass and tidy this house.

~Grace~ · 07-10-2009, 04:37 PM

just had a massive drink of vodka, its made me feel sick but maybe it will mean I can face therapy without knowing too much about it...we're siupposed to be talking about all my past traumas....im really scared
\\\but not anymiore once the alcohol kicks in. this is what i did when i saw the psych, makes evertything so much easier to deal with. it will be like i dont have a ****ing care in the world...it takes it all away and the talking is done by something other thsan you, another me takes over and it becomes somuch easier. i havent owned up to the bullying at work or the sexual abuse that happened two years ago..that would be too much information on my timeline....and besieds, noone knows about that except me and you now. well, ive gotta go now....heyho

love to all and thankyou for replying to my posts it means such alot to me xx

Hollz · 07-10-2009, 04:54 PM

Goodluck Grace, let us know how you get on, thinking about you xXx

zowie · 07-10-2009, 04:59 PM

Good luck Rowie. I hope therapy isn't too hard.

*Hugs everyone* I'm feeling really tired and rundown at the moment. Sorry.

Hollz · 07-10-2009, 05:00 PM

(((hugs)))

ThinkingofRecovery · 07-10-2009, 05:10 PM

Thanks Rowie. Maybe I'll do that. I worry if I last much longer I will end up doing too much damage when I have been working on harm minimisation. So, if I end up harming today, next time I will try for 9 days but that way, the 8 days hasn't just been thrown away as such.

I hope your therapy went ok hun and that you can tell her that you had a drink beforehand. *hugs*

Hollz try not to be too hard on yourself re sleeping etc as you are clearly struggling right now. I too am overeating at the moment - about to put a pizza in the oven for an early tea and goodness knows how many calories are in the beers I will have later. I feel disgusting about it.

Thanks Laura :) Is it a good thing that you didn't get angry at your OT? I have an appointment with my SW tomorrow and don't worry I don't think you are being nosy hun. She was supposed to give me some paperwork the other week - a wellness plan thing - but she didn't get around to it. We also have to update my risk assessment etc.

*hugs* Zowie

I actually got off my arse to the supermarket earlier today but now am wishing I hadn't because I am going to eat too much now. Argh.

Hollz · 07-10-2009, 05:23 PM

Yeah, in a way I am glad my mum and dad are back tomoz, as it will mean there will be more control in the house, instead of take-away eveynight and excessive drinking just beause I can,and plus if my mum is on a day off, then I can't stay in bed all day as 'i'll be at work' and trust me, it is better that my mum doesn't know I been off work, will just make things so much more difficult, and I am dreading to think what my wage will be this month, I suppose I coped in the past with hardly any money coz I had gambled, so I suppose it will just need to be the same next month :S

I'm having second thoughts of going to weightwatchers tomoz, as I know I have put weight on, and I can do without the lecture.

Oh well - tidy tidy tidy.

Hollz · 07-10-2009, 05:36 PM

Things have just been put into perspective for me. My best friend when I grew up Gillian has just finished her masters degree in Journalism, she i a year and a day younger than me.

I wish we never had grown apart, and I wish I hadn't fallen apart.

I could easily have been working i journalism too now, had I tried harder, instead this news has just hit and me feel pathetic, and I have acheived absolutely nothing.

Proud of her like but it has just made me feel so worthless :(

whirlpools · 07-10-2009, 05:41 PM

you're only 23 Holly! my psychologist, when she was 23 told me she sold plastic-y jewellery and she hated it. then she got stuck in another job she hated for ages, until, when she was 30, she decided to go to Uni and become a psychologist. now she is a doctor and she's really good at it. you don't have to do it all when you're in your late teens/early twenties. there's plenty of time.

Hollz · 07-10-2009, 05:48 PM

I know I am currently doing criminology at open uni, but I just feel so behind when it comes to other people, my best friend is studying mental health nursing and she is now in 2nd year and she will probs be qualified before me

I'm sorry, I know you are right, I just feel like I am failing everyone, but mostly myself.