Thanks. Supposedly had a functional seizure this morning. Might have had another. I told the staff and they said they’d get someone to check my obs but no one did. They also said they’d get me painkillers because of the nose spray making my throat, nose, head, and ears sore but they didn’t do that either. I think they hate me.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Bad start to the day. I saw myself in the mirror and don’t recognise what i see as belonging to me. I shouldn’t have a body. I don’t entirely exist. I used to think i was a thought in someones head. Everything that is going on around me isn’t actually real. I feel disconnected but at the same time painfully aware of myself. I spoke to a nurse and she said i’m dissociating and just need to think positively. I suppose being painfully aware of myself could lead to dissociation but i’m just not sure what’s going on. I need to kill myself. It wouldn’t even be an actual death because i’m not real.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
More proof that i’m not real. I was waiting at the nurses station to remind them to give me PRN which was their idea, there were a couple of other patientd there and the staff asked them all what they needed and didn’t even acknowledge me, they didn’t even look in my direction. It was like i was invisible.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I don't know if this will be of any reassurance, but I've struggled to be noticed when I've needed to speak to staff in hospital because I find it very difficult to be loud/assertive enough, and the other patients were more able to make themselves known. I've obviously never met you in person so I could be wrong but from what you've said you're quite a quiet person and often feel bad about asking for things that you need, so could that be another explanation?
I hope you were/are able to have PRN, you deserve to have your needs met.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
Yes i’m very quiet and don’t like to bother people. The shift is changing soon, one of the good nurses came to say hi and i told her what is happening. She went to get me PRN. PRN isn’t even a real thing but if whoever is writing this story wants me to have PRN i have no choice.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Concerned about you self discharging when you feel you need to kill yourself. Are you safe to go home?
Obviously it's your decision (unless doctor says no) and sounds like the ward has been extra stressful this time and psych wards are never easy places to be.
However I did want to remind you how you regretted discharging early last time you were in patient as ward psych is better than yours and she was considering a psychosis related diagnosis. Do you think you could try and stay until meds increase is finished?
I know i struggled the last time i discharged myself but i have an appointment with my CPN on Thursday and i’m better at phoning Duty. I am suicidal to some degree all the time and i can’t spend my whole life in hospital. I’m not acutely suicidal right now. My meds are at the dose that the psych is wanting them to be at. A nurse said if i discharge myself against medical advice i won’t get any discharge meds. That sounds unfair but i’m happy to wait until my GP sorts them out.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Would going without your meds for however long it takes for your GP to get them to you not mean withdrawal symptoms and undoing your progress with the dose increases though? I know hospital feels unbearable but staying until Monday when you can be discharged properly could protect you from feeling even worse
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
I get that, it's a horrible situation. But you're there for a reason, and you've made progress with your meds so leaving without a plan in place to preserve that progress would mean going back to how horrible things were before you were admitted, or possibly worse because you'd be going through withdrawal symptoms too?
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
I’m not getting home today anyway. The duty doctor had no time to see me which doesn’t help with my feelings of worthlessness. The nurses don’t think i should be discharged. I’ll probably end up having to stay until Tuesday at least when i see the psych.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Sorry you didn't get opportunity to talk to duty doctor. Sucks not to at least get to discuss it. Almost like being sectioned even though you are informal.
Trying again today! I am absolutely ready to go home. The ward is fine at the beginning when i’m so inside myself i don’t notice much around me but after that it’s difficult. I have been in the psych ward admissions game for a long time so i’m usually a pro at knowing when i’m ready to go home and when i need more time.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
