I've got so many urges tonight. I've not even had a drink. I know I need to contain these urges, distract, distract, distract.
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
I wanna talk to Carri (my best friend) but I really can't burdern her, she has enough to deal with, organising her aunts funeral which is tomorrow, me freaking out would be the last things she needs.
If things don't get better, I will phone first crisis. I am away to start on that tidying, trying to focus my energy positively.
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Oh I think this will take days, and thats just the kitchen...
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
haha that sucks, it took me days to clean my flat and hours to mess it up again. life sucks! mind you, it's good for the distraction, will keep you occupied for ages.
When my wee bro comes in he will just mess things upagain, and that will really piss me off.
When I was living in my own flat, my bedroom and bathroom were tidy, but I didn't really hoover or do dishes mmmmm
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Ugh. Carri came online, upset and stuff, which I understand, just wish I could be more use to her, but I don't wanna tell her how I'm feeling, coz she doesn't need that extra stress like.
I said I would go o the funeral with her tomorrow morning, she thinks I been going to work, I said I was working at 11 ad didn't mind, but she said no its okay, you have a lie in bfore work and I will see you on wednesday night (she wants us booked up dominican republic in july) - and I do wanna go, but we'e just back 2 weeks and I just think its a bit soon to be booking up, but she is probly right, sooner you book, sooner its paid, just hope I dont get fired.
I have my laptop on in the kitchen, had a drink, do you think I should go the funeral? I have nevermet her aunt, she lived in liverpool, and well yeah her family will be there, but she said Ijust dont michael not to come, so I will have nobody to cuddle...thats the boyfriend she split up with when we came back, but I don't wanna not go if really she does want me to go....I wish we would just say what we mean sometimes, would be so much easier.
Plus if did go, I would be sitting myself at a random funeral, and I don't know if I like the thought of that, bt equally I wanna do the right thing by her....
Who knows.
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
I don't think I can control my urges any longer, I am really struggling, tried to call the crisis number but they finish about 11ish :(
I just seem to wanna do damage, I know thats bad. I really want to go out and go for a walk, but I can't be trusted when I am feeling like this, beside moving cars :(
Sorry I don't even know, I fukkin hate all this, I so do :(
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
I didn't go to the funeral, never went to bed till 5, so yeah, she said it went okay.
I'm just up, having a wee bit lunch, then going for a bath.
I kinda should phone my work today, tell them I am posting in another sickline, coz they won't get it till the early morn and I should start at 7, so yeah...but I dunno, do I really need to phone them, I said I would but the thought of it is quite daunting.
Mari - I promise I will not abandon you today and I will even try to meet you on time
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
ha ha you cant help the trains tho, as i cant help the buses, i will explain later because i really dont want to post details incase my friend reads this (which is really unlikly but i dont want to risk it)
I really thought i was over this, but after no contact for a bit im freaking out thinking the whole what have i done wrong, they have abandond me, they used me. Its been on my mind all night and i feel sick because of it. I dont want to be like this i really dont, i want to feel normal and tell myself its because they are busy or have no credit or something.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
I met my personal tutor today and she asked me about my diagnoses. I felt so scared telling her about the BPD because how it's sometimes stigmatised. She didn't say anything about it but now I'm scared that she thinks bad of me.
Sorry I wasn't there for you last night Hollz. I took my night meds early and read a bit before bed.
I made it to 7 days but it doesn't feel good at all. Just had a mixed day at the TC. I didn't really talk today but it was ok as I am not ready right now to talk about stuff that has gone on recently and it was good to see someone else benefit from the group. It's always so difficult though just being there. The day drains me and rakes things up that I need to hide. I've got some beers in for tonight - beers or cut or maybe a bit of both. I feel as though I am going to explode.
Do you know what I hate most of all? There is a little glimmer of hope for some reason re the TC and I am scared to accept that hope as it will only be squished as it always is.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
farawayfairy, maybe your tutor wasn't too sure what BPD is... Perhaps you could write her a letter telling her what sorts of things you struggle with and what sorts of things you need/help you at that time.
Carrie, when I feel like that, I write. I write and write and write until everything I feel is out there on paper. Doesn't matter how much swearing, how angry the writing is, how ripped the paper - it doesn't matter, it's your feelings and they're important. And about the hope? Well, maybe you're not ready to accept it yet. Take things slowly.
My tutor does know about BPD. She's a clinical psychologist. She didn't ask me to explain what it was just what my diagnoses were. I feel annoyed with myself for being ashamed of it because I should just accept it as a part of me. I just get so scared of what other people think.
I understand what you mean about the hope Carrie but maybe this time it won't be squished and it really is there. Please try to stay safe tonight.
I got really angry and confused on Sunday night and saw a man come into my building. I was scared and confused he had come to abduct me and lock me up for being evil. I got really angry and slid a knife blade under my front door and said some horrible things. When I opened the door he wasn't there (but he definitely came into the building and I also heard him on my landing) so I got afraid that he's gone into the wall and is collecting evidence so he can rape/torture me and capture me. Now, I keep trying to tell myself that this is impossible, but I'm still really scared.
I'm also scared that I will scream at my OT tomorrow because I wasn't very nice to her last week (very unusual for me) but still didn't lose my temper as much as I felt inside. I'm scared I will tell her I will hurt her, and I know that's in my control, but I'm scared anyway, she doesn't deserve that but sometimes people say things to me that trigger me and I perceive as horribly cruel and I get hysterical. Last time I even alluded to hurting my then CPN (I was being flippant) she had to see me with another person for a bit. I don't want to be a scary, horrible person.
I'm sorry farawayfairy, didn't realise that. She probably saw it as just another label like schizophrenia or depression and didn't think of it as you as a person. It's understandable to be ashamed of an illness that comes with such connotations, but in my opinion, people with BPD are just ordinary people, but a bit amplified, and they're only amplified because they're often dealing with terrible things that ordinary people never had to deal with. You survived some terrible things and you're still having to survive with the fallout. Go easy on yourself - and also, remember that everyone with BPD is different in their own right. The label is just that - a label.
Hugs Carrie, Laura, Holly, farawayfairy and mari...just cant manage individual replies right now sorry xx
I had my works meeting today. I am returning to work on the 2nd of november. It was either that or lose my job on ill health grounds and Im not having that. Its only for one day a week for 2 hours. They are finding me a sitting down job out the back away from customers to start off with. Id be a fool not to give it a go wouldnt I? Thing is, I broke down whilst i was there because all i could think of was how I would harm just before going in and if it was difficult for me at work how I would harm myself there as a punishment.....but I couldnt let on the real reason for my tears and just told them it was getting a bit too much.
They are going to contact my therapist for her point of view and Im seeing my doctor next monday. Thing is, my current certificate expires on 31st october...if he decides to sign me off for anylonger then im stuffed. I may not mention about work to him just incase.
I have my therapy homework to do tonight...my time line. Im going to need to get drunk to do that. thats the only way I can face my deamons. I guess I will be harming tonight too, I have the thoughts in my head to do more damage...its been one hell of a day, I need to try to ground myself a bit
