I'm happy, my team won today, first league win at their new stadium, but pretty sure I got caught on tv, mmm work will be awkward if they know I been at the footy, but off sick, oh well, I don't even care...
I was okay but you know I think my week of binge eating has caught up with me, I feel so fat, I am sure I must of put myself back over the 12 stone barrier, why bother going to weightwatchers holly if you aint going to try, I have eaten junk food every day this week, pizza, indian, curry, tgis...hmmmm why, it seems I do this when my mood is low and my parents are in bloody lanzarote, should of cooked.
I think tonight it will be a chippy or indian perhaps and some wine. My friend told me last night, that I threw my shoe at her in the street the other nightand it hit the back of her head, oops, least she neber got mad at me
I could go out tonight, go clubbing again but I think its too cold and I feel a bit fat, so maybe not the best idea, and not the best as I said I can't handle my drink, but can't handle not having a drink...
Hmmmsa.
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Maybe you could have a cosy night in? If you feel you need a drink, how about just a little - I'm limiting myself to 1 bottle of red wine (although that is cheating a little as red for some reason always makes me drunk much quicker).
I'm going to be around most of tonight if you need company Hollz.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
im so cold, itsd pretty bad weather today. Decided to try and be proactive, so i cleaned my room, and also played this fitness game i got for the wii like 2 months ago.
So i suppose this is me being healthy now. Damn game wore me out in like 15 mins ha ha, but i suppose i really need to get active and sort myself out.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
I pulled myself in line today and went to my Stitch n Bitch group (knitting/crochet group).It's just a social group..I was all anxious/sweaty etc.
Didn't feel good but once I got settled in I had a nice time.
Going to tell Darren this evening about everything I've been telling all of you.
I need some sort of help.I'm just worried he wont be there to help me....I know he will but,I guess it's just a fear.
Hope everyone is feeling ok this evening xx
All is full of love : you just ain't receiving All is full of love : your phone is off the hook All is full of love : your doors are all shut
Thanks Carri, me and my wee bro had indian, I finished my dominican rum and some vodka, all I am going to have is my bottle of rose, I jst don't like red wine...
I loved my wii and wii fit, sadly I put into cash converters temporarily whilst I was gambling away I owned, and I lost it :(
I'll be about all night too, mostly because now can't move since I have eaten too much :O
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Ahhhh home alone now, not sure if thats goi ng to be good or bad :S
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
I wish I felt anything else, but I hate feeling alone :(
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
I know its just the physically being alone, andrew was meant to be coming up from London for the weekend, but his lack of being here just really reflects that we are going nowhere and there is no point, instead I am sitting here, signing to myself and driving myself a bit mental :(
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Because he can't even be bothered to go home for a weekend after his birthday, when he really knew I wanted to see him and I am sure his prents and other freinds did too, but he has other things to do in London, and yeah I get that he probably does with work and stuff, but I am wasting so much time hoping that things might work out between us, and I don't think they will unless he moves back home, home which is a 5 minute car journey, not in London......
I just findin it hard coz I am like what 24 in December, and I've never really been in a relationship. I think I repel people, everyone I went to school thinks im crazy but when I was at school all I used to do in my last years was cut, lie and pop painkillers and drink to the extent they thought I was trying to kill myself, which I wasn't, it was a bad reaction with the medication I was on at the time...
Then I got over school I suppose, still with a few friends. Carri obviously but she was the year below me, I know that makes no difference and she is still there and is my best friend, but I didn't see much of her for years as she was engrossed in a relationship with this guy sean for 5 years, and they were engaged (after about a month) and I always hated him for taking him away, and now she is single again and thats fine, but she will not be for long as she needs to be in a relationship...
I can't be in a relaionship. If I could then surely by 23 then there would have been something other than a 2 month relationship with someon in high school, and I know he dumped me because I was a tad eccentric and addicted to snake...
All my friends from the footy were fine but yeh, now they go about telling everyone I am crazy, they saw what my gambling addition did t me, they saw me drink driving, they saw cuts on my arms and saw through me, so they hardly talk to me now either, the odd hello and that at the football, but people I could have counted as friends, no longer wanna know
James and I fell out this time lat year, not long ater I came back from holiday last year. He called me a pysho, tried to get me the sack from work andI knoq he said stuff about me to people in work...he got sacked in January but you know he was right I am apyscho, I am not surprised our friendship fell to bits, he was my best friend through school and outside, I thought we would always be friensd but sharing a flat and a job together, was just too too much :(
He goes about spilling posison about me, but you know, anyone who I ever know, will see through me, they will all realise in time that I am a pyscho. They get annoyed with me not being able to feel happy, for cutting, for drinking, for taking overdoses
Truth is I am a bloody trainwreck. It is of no surprise he doesn't want to come home, or maybe he is home and just doesn't want to see me. To be honest, I don't know why anyone talks to me. I'm so ****ed up and I can't break the cycle, I'm off sick at work atm coz I have gone spiralling since I came home from holiday, when I spoke to my manager I was in bits and I don't know, I don't know if I wanna go back or do anything
I've just had enough of being like this, why the hell have I ended up the way I am, why why why. Is it too much to not want to be on my own, I aint perfect but I am so scared that I am always going to be on my own, and at the moment, thats all I keep thinking, and I can't handle it.
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
if my brain worked i'd reply to all of those posts.
unfortunately
its half 3 in the morning
TRigger !!!!!!!
and ive just come back from knocking on my flatmates door with an arm dripping with blood. not great when ive only known him a week.
****. **** ****. stupid me.
i screwed up again
A tyrant spell has bound me And I cannot, cannot go
-
Emily Bronte
Hey Sarah, you haven't screwed up. Whats been happening? What did your flatmate say?
Crucially, is your arm okay?
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
i dunno ive been a bit down and ppl brush it off sayin im homesick... but im not ive been loving uni im just sad.
and today i just i got the impulse and the technique all in one.
my flatmate said i was stupid for doing it but he was half jokin he got me plasters and anti-septic wipes.
i think it will be fine. nothing some steri-stips wont cure in the morning i hope.
A tyrant spell has bound me And I cannot, cannot go
-
Emily Bronte
As long as you are sure, any doubt then please go and get your wounds looked at.
He may joke about it, typically thats a self defence mechanism and he may not know how to react, but at least he was there and supported you, which is a good thing, but please please please take care of yourself.
Uni can and is definately overwhelming, just try take it a day at a time x
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
