Sorry for the lack of contact. I've been a little well destructive recently and as a consequence haven't really been on RYL. I do however, have one update for you.
x
System A
Sophie Mandi Max Gwen Mercy Erin AVA Tracey Bridget My Isaac
It is four twenty-two. I am fourteen years old. I need to get past this. I need to be able to lie properly. I need to lie not just with words, but with my attitudes, my body language. I need to lie to myself. If I tell myself everything is okay and I need to believe it. He doesn’t love me because I am not pretty, because I am not sane, normal. He doesn’t enjoy my thinness. It was all for him and he doesn’t even care. He hates it.
All I have to do is reinvent myself. All I have to do is make sure that he likes the new me. All I have to do is work out how to make myself more like the people he enjoys spending time with.
I sit on the bench with my ankles crossed, leaning over my lunch. I tell myself that I have to start now. That the first stage is to gain some weight. Get breasts, hips, thighs, like all the other girls. I have to eat. I look like a boy, my long slightly greasy hair covering my face. It hides me from the rest of the world, for all of the times when I don’t want to look in the mirror at what I have made myself. My skin, not as bad as some girls, but still addled due to the malnutrition and abuse I put myself through. I am ugly and I know it. The taunts from my childhood raise again, the taunts that I tried to forget, whilst still living my life by them. I always believed I was ugly. I always knew I wasn’t right. I was always told these things. I stare at the food on my plate, this will be the first time I have eaten lunch since I first decided I was too fat. The plate of gaudy salad stares up at me. And I lower my cutlery closer to the gleaming wet surface of the lettuce. The curves, folds, the oozing of juice from a tomato, it disgusts me. It’s dirty and wrong. I close my eyes.
It’s for Sam. I bring the poison to my lips, taste my failure, and feel the weight building on my slight frame as I force myself to swallow. I almost choke on it. A tear slips down my nose and drops onto the plate. For a moment I panic. Salt.
I manage another mouthful. I don’t stop crying, but I don’t stop eating. Slowly, very slowly I manage to finish my plate. I hate the feeling of fullness. I want to make it stop. I want to empty again. I shake a little and quickly slide over the bench to my freedom. I leave the empty plate on the table, hardly caring.
‘It’s for Sam. It’s so he’ll love me.’ I whisper to myself as I huddle in the corner of a toilet cubicle. I pray for the strength to leave the stall with the contents of my stomach.
System A
Sophie Mandi Max Gwen Mercy Erin AVA Tracey Bridget My Isaac
I think a lot of people don't lol.
