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Never knowing...a helping hand or hell to pay?
Join Date: Dec 2005
I am currently:  
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Thwarted.
Well as my lovely girlthing said I have lots and lots to show you. So, without further ado, here's the next installement:
A knock sounded at the door. I froze, unable to respond in my panic. Alice’s voice rang out “Katy? Can I come in?”
“Just a minute!” I croaked, yanking the noose from round my neck. The door handle was turning, Alice was coming in. Not having time to undo the cord from the rail I stuffed it out of sight behind the curtain.
Alice entered the room, examining it with her eyes, taking in my guilty expression. She raised her eyebrows at me. “What’s going on Katy?”
“Nothing!” I insisted, speaking too quickly. Alice nodded. “So, if I were to go over and check behind that curtain,” she jerked her head towards the bulge where my wire sat hidden out of sight, “I wouldn’t find anything unusual?” I shook my head. She sighed, looking disappointed. “Look, I don’t want to have to check behind there, because this is your room, your private space, and I really want to be able to respect that.” I met her eyes, surprised. “However…” I sighed inwardly. ‘Howevers’ never meant good news. “However, I’m going to sit outside your door, I want you to leave it ajar, and if I hear one odd sound from inside this room, I’ll be in before you can say ‘what’. Got it?” I scowled at her and nodded curtly, then blanked her entirely as she left the room.
How the **** was I supposed to end it now, with her listening outside the door? Plus I liked Alice, despite my anger, and I didn’t want her to be the one to have to find me hanging from the rail. I tentatively reached behind the curtain, which was just out of eye line through the open gap of my door, fingering the rubber wire. I couldn’t…but I had too…it would hurt her so much to find me, plus she’d probably catch me before I died…maybe not if it was a quick neck break…if I was caught I’d be put on one to one observations again, maybe even arms length ones instead of just eye contact…I couldn’t bear that. But I couldn’t bear living.
Furious with myself I untied the wire, and stormed out of my room for a cigarette, glowering at Alice on the way past. She had wrecked everything. Why did I even care what she thought, what she heard?
I borrowed a cigarette from Joseph and stood outside with him, not speaking, just smoking until the end smouldered right at my finger tips. Then I went back inside. There was a fairly new trainee nurse watching over Dillon, Em and the others, and naive and nervous as she was, they were working hard at taking the complete and utter mickey, and getting away with whatever came into their heads. Malicious in my anger I joined in, teasing and tormenting her until she was so confused that all the rules and regulations had become messed up and muddled in her head. She would believe anything. Then Dillon drove in for the kill.
“Will you come out the front with us? We’re all on half hour observations so we’re all allowed out if you come too. April, the nurse, looked uncertain. “I know you’re allowed Dillon, and you Em, but I’m not sure about Katy…”
“I am allowed!” I lied indignantly. “What do you expect me to do, commit suicide via hay fever?” Dillon sniggered.
“I should go up and check,” worried April, ignoring my comment.
“You’ll only find out what we’ve all been telling you,” Dillon and I insisted, “It would just be a waste of time, the office is ages away. Just take us out please? The sun won’t be out for much longer!” April sighed, defeated.
“Alright then, but only for fifteen minutes, then we’re all coming back in.”
We filed out through the front door, unable to believe our luck. I was only supposed to go out after a risk assessment and with a high enough staff ratio for someone to keep an eye on me, but frankly I didn’t care what kind of trouble I got into. I was high on revenge and freedom, and didn’t even hesitate to follow Dillon and Em’s lead, running out of the gate when April turned her back for a moment.
We sped down the road, gigging hysterically, Em and I sharing a cigarette between us. Finally we arrived, panting, at the roundabout. “So,” gasped Em, clutching a stitch in her side, “Where now?”
“The supermarket?” suggested Dillon. Em and I agreed, having nowhere better to go. We traipsed into the supermarket, then wandered up down the aisle. Em took the opportunity to check the calories on some cereal packets that we also had back at the unit, while Dillon wandered off on his own.
I saw my chance, and heart beating hard, I took it. Slipping away out of sight, I sidled over to the pharmacy area. Picking up a packet of pills I investigated the price, then clutching several of the packets in my hands I moved towards the till. I felt a bony hand on my arm. “Katy? What have you got?” Em’s eyes were a haze of concern. I shook her off. I was not going to be thwarted twice in one day.
I made again to move towards the till, but Em pulled me back, surprisingly strong for her frail frame. “No, Katy, don’t buy those, please?”
“**** off,” I snapped viciously. “It’s none of your business.”
“Yes it is,” insisted Em, looking close to tears, “I don’t want you to do something stupid, I care about you…”
“Well don’t,” I snarled. “I’m not worth it, alright? Now leave me al…”
“What’s going on?” We both spun around, temporarily abandoning our argument. A woman I vaguely recognized was the interrupter. “Nothing,” we said simultaneously. I flashed Em a grateful smile. Upset she may have been, but she hadn’t snitched on me. The woman looked at us hard, then her face clicked into place. She was a secretary in the office, someone I had seen around the unit but never spoken to. Oh ****. If she had heard that conversation…Reluctantly replacing the pills, I prepared to bolt.
Turning quickly on my heel I made to run, and banged straight into April, and another nurse, Angela. ****…
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