Thanks. By the time my CPN and the other nurse came I was a bit calmer so they think I'm ok. Have to see extended hours again tomorrow at 1 and I've to phone NHS 24 at night if I need to. I'm absolutely terrified because I know I will hit a crisis point again and it's likely to be very soon. Even if I'm only suicidal for 5 minutes I could end up killing myself in those 5 minutes. It doesn't help to tell myself that it will likely pass because I am so deep in painful emotions and I know that they will be recurring. I can't stay in the moment, I'm always worried about the ticking time bomb of my emotions. Don't know how I'm going to fare at my next crisis point, here we go again.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
This is a big part of what is triggering me right now and I don't know what to do. I did something awful in my childhood, didn't realise it was awful at first because I was a child and when I did find out I never did it again. That doesn't take back the fact that it was wrong even though my intentions were not cruel and I did not understand what I was doing. I think about it many times through the day, when I'm trying to sleep, I sometimes have related nightmares. I worry about the person who was the victim in all this, how often do they think about it? How much are they hurting? How evil do they think I am? I think about bringing it up with someone but it's not fully mine to bring up. If I told someone I'd end up having to get the victim involved and it will make things very hard for them. I want to explain that I didn't know that I was doing anything wrong, I want to apologise. I don't know how other people will judge me either, if they will think this was a childhood mistake or if they will think I was old enough to have bad intentions. If this was done as an adult, which I would never do, it would be seen as something very bad. I have likely caused someone a trauma and I am deeply, deeply remorseful. I am ashamed to tell anyone what I've done because I know not everyone will understand that I didn't mean it in the way it may seem. I don't think there is anyone I can trust to confide in now anyway since. my CPN is transferring me to someone else. If I tell someone they will pass it on to other people who treat me and everyone will see me as an evil being. The important thing is that I do what is right for the victim but I don't know what that is, if I should somehow prompt them that they can bring it up if they need to or what. I deserve to be executed. I made a terrible mistake.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I spoke to someone on IMAlive last night about my worries, skirted round the issue as I did here. I didn't receive a reaction that I was any sort of a bad person and I thought I could maybe talk to my CPN. I kept changing my mind throughout the night and during the day and when I was in the waiting room to see extended hours. Extended hours were busy with someone else so the CPN who was on yesterday and someone else came to talk to me instead. My head was full. I ended up crying lots and telling them about my guilty conscience, the full facts. They didn't think it made me bad, just a confused child who meant no harm. But who knows if they were just hiding their hate of me. Now it will go in my notes and everyone will know. I can't take it back. I'm feeling very raw, distressing thoughts, suicidal. I keep going over and over what I said and what I will say in the future. I know I didn't mean to do anything wrong but the fact is what I did was wrong. It's like if someone does something that is offensive in another culture but they didn't know it was offensive, they've still done something wrong.
The CPN said I don't know how the other person involved in this feels, they may be able to see what happened as childhood behaviour messed up because of the unstable environment I was brought up in. I'm absolutely consumed by guilt. I can't forgive myself but I do know that I did not mean any harm and I would never act that way as an adult. There is no going back. I'm terrified that all the people who see me as a good person will now see me as a bad person. The CPN said she still thinks I'm a good person. I'm so hugely sorry that I was even born.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
You didn’t mean any harm. It’s time to put it in the past. You were a child and didn’t know any better. I believe you are a good person, and your cpn thinks so too, please let that reassure you.
Is there anything you can do to distract yourself from thinking about it? I often think about the past or future and worry, but I have to distract myself from it. Can you try use distractions? I know it’s not that easy.
Please believe me that you are a good person. You are so kind to people here and you have so much to offer. It’s great that you were born.
Thank you. I definitely can't put it in the past until I speak to the other person involved and see how they are feeling. I don't know if I will even be able to move forward then. I'll try and find some things to occupy me tonight.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Finding something to occupy yourself with sounds like a good plan. Is there anything you can do that you enjoy? Or even pamper yourself? Is there anything that has helped before?
Usually the most distracting thing I can do is watch some catch up TV or something that holds my interest, not a film because they're too long. Talking is my main way of coping but this is something I can't talk to just anyone about.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I dont think you're a bad person. If you had done something truly wrong and criminal then I am sure they would have had to refer the matter to the police etc. But they didn't, you were reassured that you didn't do anything wrong. So try to put it behind you. We've all done things as kids that would be considered criminal or not nice when done as adults, but kids don't know the full extent of their actions. For example children will hit or bite when angry/frustrated but grow out of this. But if they did it as an adult they would be charged with assault. It's why you can't hold a child accountable by adult standards because there is no comparison.
Isnt it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
Maybe I'm not a bad person but good people can still do bad things. Children can still negatively affect other people whether they mean to or not and I can't take back what I've done. If it was the other way around and I was in this person's shoes I think I would see it as a trauma. I've always imagined that other people would be very angry and hateful of me if I was to say what happened so I was a bit surprised when I wasn't met with any of that today. I'm trying to hold on to the fact that I meant no harm, I didn't understand what I was doing was wrong, and that my upbringing made things a bit strange. It doesn't erase any hurt I've caused though. I am a curse. I was bringing pain into the world before/when I was born (killing my twin sister) and it's all been further downhill from then. I know I have done a lot of good in my life too, especially with looking after my parents and brother when they needed it but that's not enough.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
You are not a curse. Focus on the good things you’ve done for your family. That shows you are a good person. You have also been very kind and helpful to me, which I greatly appreciate and I see you as a good person.
Thank you. I would say I am a good person, but I have made some serious mistakes. I know we all make mistakes, I'd do anything to take back this one mistake. I'm finding it hard to distract myself but I deserve to be punished anyway. I managed to go to the gym with my support assistant which helped a bit.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
That’s great you went to the gym and enjoyed it. Can you do that again since it helps?
We do all make mistakes and plenty of us make serious mistakes too, but soon we have to learn from it and then move on. Could you talk more to your cpn about ways in which you can move on from it?
I think it was being out with my support assistant that helped, I don't get much from going to the gym. I'll be getting that support once a week for the next 5 weeks. I don't know who else to spend time with since my treatment is all serious talk and my friend is in hospital just now so it will be hard spending time with her because she is unwell. The CPN I spoke to yesterday said I don't need to visit my friend if I don't feel up to it but my support worker said we put aside our own feelings when our friends are unwell so I don't know what I'm going to do.
It was a CPN from the extended hours team I confided in, she will pass it on to my current CPN and my soon to be CPN. I don't really feel like I trust my soon to be CPN enough to talk things through with her but I think I'm going to be transferred to her very soon. I wish I could have stuck with my current CPN. I'll be seeing one or both of the CPNs at some point next week I think so I will try and discuss things then. I need to think of what is best for the other person involved in this. Thought I had a plan last night but maybe I should hold off until I get some advice.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Get some advice first. I know it’s hard getting a new cpn, but maybe they can offer a fresh perspective.
It’s up to you whether you visit your friend. It’s nice that you want to help, but it’s ok to look after yourself too. Is there anything that would make visiting her easier?
It's difficult because in a way it's hard for me to trust other people and I usually get bad vibes from people at first, thinking things like they hate me or they are harsh and won't be helpful and stuff. I've met my going to be CPN about 4 times now and I'm comparing her to my current CPN and feel like I can't trust her. I'll just have to see how it goes.
I text my friend saying I was sorry for not phoning her (she asked me to phone a couple of days ago) and she said she's really struggling too and needs a friend. She'll tell me at the last minute if she wants me to visit tomorrow and I don't deal well with last minute plans. If she needs me there I'll try my best to be there anyway.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thanks for your input. I think she sometimes doesn't realise what I go through when I'm out of hospital because she equates being in hospital as being unwell and being at home as being almost fine because when I was last in hospital she was doing ok and managed to visit me once or twice. I will visit it's just that I'm not good with last minute plans, I need to prepare, but my friend is very changeable with plans.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
