Thanks lovely. Just found out that my room is apparently massive, got a double bed and a sofa! So pleased! It's nice that good things are finally happening after a shit few months.
You deserve some happiness and something good after everything! It sounds bigger than my flat :P
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I passed out again today and I'm pissed off about it.
The paramedics always take it really seriously and want me to go to hospital. They always say my heart is too fast, my pupils are dilated and because I was passed out [in the street] I need to go to hospital. I get there, they do obs and an ECG, which are all always fine apart from the fast heart rate which nobody is bothered about at that point, and I get sent home. Until the next time it happens. I don't think I should have to live like this. I don't know what to do to resolve it or make it better.
And I'm having second thoughts about the supported living. I feel like I might be too much for them. I don't know what kind of people they normally deal with but with the overdosing, the passing out and everything else, I'm a lot to handle. And I'm scared of ending up institutionalised from it. 8 months is a long time to be in a hospital like environment. It would get in the way of the self harm and isolation like I'm used to. Which I know is sort of the point but it's also worrying for me. It would be a change in lifestyle and I don't know if that's what I want. it would be really hard work. I don't know.
Rant over.
Oh and I'm planning on overdosing. But hey, what's new.
Katie, Are you getting sent of for any tests about this? Why does your GP think maybe why these are happening?
Isnt it really up to the supported housing people decision whether your 'too much work' for them or not? Surely they arent going to mind the passing out as you have no control over it but with the overdosing... Im sure they will understand to an extent but I guess as your in 'supported' housing therefore implying you do have support there available for you at hand so im guessing they wont like it... But you cant change that overnight! But you say 'in teh way of self harm' dont you want to stop all this? I dont know if im getting the right picture but it seems like you are wanting to keep all the negative behaviours rather than change them! Its unfair for you to take a place in this accomodation if you dont want to get better? Its not fair as many people around where I live are waiting atleast 6 months minimum and guessing where you're from its probably a long wait to.
You're planning a 'overdose'? What are you hoping by saying that to us? What would you like us to say? go right ahead and do an overdose?
WHat sort of support is it? Im sorry but arent you already in and out of ip? or day hospital? Suported living is slightly different and there is some independant living there too. Could it also be good though to be in a lot better place in 8 months time and hopefully you could start doing more modules at uni?
Ballerina123 - My lovely superstar
Call me R -
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time - Abraham Lincoln
I'm being referred to cardiology and have an appointment at the end of May but no, nobody knows why it's happening. It might be dissociation.
I'm very paranoid about being too much for people. Especially with my mental health. I am a complex case and I am a lot to handle. I don't really know how it works here yet. I'm meant to have 1:1's but I don't know whether I'm meant to find them or they find me. I don't want to disturb them if they are busy/got other things on/not wanting to talk. I don't want to take time away from other residents.
Of course I want all the shit to stop but I'm also addicted to it. The idea of stopping overdosing and the like is exciting and terrifying in equal measure. The thought of never overdosing again is, frankly, a massive identity crisis which is thoroughly pathetic I know.
In terms of places here it depends on what they have at the time as to how long you have to wait. As far as I know there is no waiting list for here. Maybe your right, I shouldn't be being selfish taking up a place that someone else could have. I'm not in ip or at the day hosp at the minute but yes, I've had a lot of admissions.
&ey lovely,
It does sound scary but do-able. I guess as you've been doing it for quite a while it's bound to be so scary foryou but it is do-able . What is scaring about it the most for you? When I use to od frequently I thought people wouldn't see how much I was struggling unless I did those sorry of behaviors which actually want the case :/. I actually got sectioned for the first time despite bit doing anything risky. It's not pathetic finding it scary but it can be rewarding. Maybe you could mould your identity if you get lost around the person you really loved being when you volunteer in the nursery and when you led the mental health club in uni? You were bubble and caring and said toy were happy even though you were struggling itgave you a reason to keep on going.
You're bout being selfish. I don't mean you are but you do want help, I've spoken to you lots of times and want you to see that you do want the help but you've also have to put in the work. I guess we all are scared to burden people with the stuff going on but that's the workers but that's there jobs. They are trained to help you and get you to a place where toy can live more independently. When are you seeing your cc next? Could you ask him tofind out how it works whether you approach the staff or will they find you? Xxx
Ballerina123 - My lovely superstar
Call me R -
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time - Abraham Lincoln
See my cc tomorrow, I'll talk to him about it. I've got a CPA next week as well and the supported living place are gona be there so that'll be a good chance to talk things out. I'll do my best to talk to them this week as well but not really sure what to say.
I think you're both right that stopping would be worth it even if it is scary. it's just been my life for 8 years and giving it all up is completely new to me.
I can feel myself slipping into bad dissociative stuff and I need to try and ground myself before I start thinking it's a different year again. The last time I slipped into thinking it was 2007 I ended up sectioned in London. I obviously don't want that to happen again.
Not sure what's going on. In a central hospital with the police. Can't see a way out of this without getting sectioned and sent to a psych ward which I really really don't want.
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I'm going out my fucking mind. Been locked in the 136 suite all night with no phone and not allowed to call anyone. They took all my stuff. Saw a doc hours ago and waiting to see a second for a full Mha assessment. Confused and distressed. Don't wana go back north. I live here. Been awake all night. No idea what's happening next.
They said doc would be here by 7am but he's still not here and they are handing over to day staff. Fuck knows. I can't cope with this. By the looks of it I'm definiay being admitted just don't know where/for how long/whether I'll be sectioned etc.
Thank you xx I'm all confused about where I live/what's real/what year it is. I'm not sure about the supported living place. I don't really know where I live/what's happened recently. Everyone is telling him it's not 2007 which confuses the hell out of me. I lived in London in 2007 that's why I'm here.
Spent 15 hours locked in 136 suite waiting to be assessed. Finally out of there. Been out on section 2 because they say I'm not safe and very confused. Been put in a secure van (essentially a cage) for the ride up to Leeds. Feeling exhausted. Need a shower and some sleep. Been awake since yesterday. Gutted to be going ip again but hopefully it'll be a short admission.
It's good you're posting on ryl. You joined in 2009 so there must be some part of you that knows it's not 2007. Try and hold on to that.
Hope you're out soon
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Part of me does know it's not 2007 but the thought is terrifying. If I can get my head together over the weekend and accept that I need to go back to my flat in Leeds (do I have a flat in Leeds?) and agree to stay there then I should be good to go by Monday. Hopefully. Just confused more than anything. Think I'll feel better when I have a shower and get out of two day old clothes.
Arrived on the ward. Don't remember it or recognise it. Very unsettling. Nurses keep making comments as if they know me. I don't know what they are talking about. Gona do my best to sit right and get discharged Monday. They took the cream I need for my skin which is a nightmare. Waiting to see doc then hopefully shower,meds,bed.
