Don't apologise for asking questions!
I was under 18, she was a youth leader. That in itself creates an awkward situation especially when there's friendship there because legally she should have informed my parents, technically they already knew and were just ignoring it. Aside from that i would only see her a few times a year, mainly at camps, and the rest was just email, text and phone because she lived about 2 hours away from me. She was literally the only person i could or would talk to about what was going on and looking back i can see how unfair that was to her and stressful - especially because at one point i ended up in hospital and she was the only one who knew why. Logically i know that i was really sick and that my mind wasn't functioning properly so i wasnt thinking straight, but now i just think that it got too much for her (there was a point where she basically cut almost all contact between us with no explanation why, i think it was because it was hard on her but i dont know).
Anyway, thats not me anymore, i can see clearer, have been on the other end of a relationship like that now and have a lot more of a sense of what i can say and what i maybe shouldnt, i know what is fair and what is unfair, i have a balance in relationships now, basically i've grown up, but i'm not sure she sees that, im not sure she realises that the girl those years ago isnt me anymore... I'm not saying i want her to really support me in a hands on way, i'd just love to have her as a good friend who is a few years older who i can go to and be safe - who i can grab coffee with when i feel triggered and just talk about anything else, but who knows the importance of that (does that make sense?) ... I now live like 10 mins from her instead of the 2 hours.
Am really struggling right now don't think i will make it though the night with out cutting
*hugs*
I'm sorry you feel that way. Is there anything you can do to make yourself safe? Maybe get out of the house, seek out company or go to a safe place if you have one?
Don't apologise for asking questions!
I was under 18, she was a youth leader. That in itself creates an awkward situation especially when there's friendship there because legally she should have informed my parents, technically they already knew and were just ignoring it. Aside from that i would only see her a few times a year, mainly at camps, and the rest was just email, text and phone because she lived about 2 hours away from me. She was literally the only person i could or would talk to about what was going on and looking back i can see how unfair that was to her and stressful - especially because at one point i ended up in hospital and she was the only one who knew why. Logically i know that i was really sick and that my mind wasn't functioning properly so i wasnt thinking straight, but now i just think that it got too much for her (there was a point where she basically cut almost all contact between us with no explanation why, i think it was because it was hard on her but i dont know).
Anyway, thats not me anymore, i can see clearer, have been on the other end of a relationship like that now and have a lot more of a sense of what i can say and what i maybe shouldnt, i know what is fair and what is unfair, i have a balance in relationships now, basically i've grown up, but i'm not sure she sees that, im not sure she realises that the girl those years ago isnt me anymore... I'm not saying i want her to really support me in a hands on way, i'd just love to have her as a good friend who is a few years older who i can go to and be safe - who i can grab coffee with when i feel triggered and just talk about anything else, but who knows the importance of that (does that make sense?) ... I now live like 10 mins from her instead of the 2 hours.
maybe it's time to ask her if you can be friends. failing that, finding new supporters - you believe it wasn't fair to put the onus on her, so maybe you can spread it out this time: parents, friends (older and young), and very importantly, doctor? are they an option?
maybe it's time to ask her if you can be friends. failing that, finding new supporters - you believe it wasn't fair to put the onus on her, so maybe you can spread it out this time: parents, friends (older and young), and very importantly, doctor? are they an option?
I asked her for coffee... it ended up not happening due to reasons out of our control, and now it just feels like i have to leave it for her to make a move because otherwise i feel like i'm nagging. I just wish i could ask her where i stand with her - however i am paranoid and i over analyse, so the likelihood of me doing that is very slim.
I think i've realised why i do feel so lonely down here despite having people around, someone said it to me and it's so true - loneliness doesn't come from not having people around, loneliness comes from a lack of long term relationships... it's so true which sucks because it means there's nothing i can do about it, i just have to wait.
Some of you maybe aware that i am female to male transsexual some of you may not be aware that i am
the reason i am outing myself is that i have a relationship with God and Jesus but i feel i am sinning it is still possible to be a sinner and have a relationship with God ?
Every single one of us is a sinner. Because of the fall we're born with a sin nature. The only way we can relate to God is through the blood of His precious Son! This is good new. God loves us based on what His Son did, not what we have done or will do (good or bad)
So I slipped up last night. I was si free since January 2008. All of it was fake. I still day dreamed about how I would hurt myself. I started using laxatives daily to lose weight and now I have no appetite and don't care about eating. I feel nothing. I'm not sure I want to stop again. Very few people know about my si past. I want to tell someone, but I don't know if I can. There is an old teacher of mine who is now a psychologist. I would like to tell him, but it would only be over fb since I live 700 miles away.
I am a Christian. I am a youth leader and children's church teacher at my church. I know everything to say to the youth and children, but I don't always mean it. I don't feel like I should be in any leadership position right now.
Sorry that you slipped up but you done well with out since January 2008 even though you wanted to do it you never did it
can you talk to your dr about this maybe he/she can help you ?
not doing so good at the moment i cut last night and i want to cut again tonight i want to rip into myself and really cause myself some damage
Then wear the gold hat, if that will move her;
If you can bounce high, bounce for her too,
Till she cry "Lover, gold-hatted, high-bouncing lover,
I must have you!"
Thomas Parke D’Invilliers
First post on this thread. I am a Christian, though not a very good one.. Im finding holding onto my faith a struggle at the moment... I am so angry about all the awful things that have happened to me and people close to me... My SI isnt good at the moment... know god doesnt 'do' bad/abusive things to us, but its hard, all seems so unfair, why did I have to be born to a dad that did terribke things to me and my family.. Why so I still love him and HATE myself for it, after all the things he did when alive....
Sorry for the ramble I have very few Christian/religious friends to speak to about all this..
Im also having trouble whith my christian faith due to me being gay. I have always known I was gay, and I truely believe that its not wrong, my partner of 8 years has been a God send for me, I love him so much. But sometimes I worry that im not following christian teaching. I doubt my faith caus I know its not wrong to be gay, I just know and then I think maybe Christianity is not the 'truth', maybe caus I have always been terrified of death I cling to christianity and my prayers? But I know I believe, deep down I know there is a God, so hard not to despair though. I have been trying to attend Mass, I am so interested in the church, I really fell God is calling me to convert to Catholicism (Im currently a member of the Church of Scotland, but been attending Mass on and off for years). But I cant, I am in a relationship with another man, no priest or Bishop will offer me confirmation and I will never be able to take part in the Eucharist, the one thing I want more than anything. :(
Ok ramble over, im just a little bit lost at the moment, my SI isnt very good at the moment and cant get the past out of my head.
Then wear the gold hat, if that will move her;
If you can bounce high, bounce for her too,
Till she cry "Lover, gold-hatted, high-bouncing lover,
I must have you!"
Thomas Parke D’Invilliers
Hey everyone. My first in my post. Not sure if by christian you mean all types of christian but thought I'd give it a try.
I'm catholic, born and raised. I've always had a very strong connection to god and for a while was very religious. As I got older it got less, but I'm still very spirtual. The past year though for some reason it's been so hard to go to Mass. My mom keeps asking me if I don't believe in God anymore, but I do very much. But church just got more and more painful for me over the past two years. I always end up crying during mass and I don't know why.
I've been cutting on and off since I was 14 I'm 20 now. The past couple of years have been really hard for me, with my parents splitting up and all this information about my father being dragged to the light. I was forced to deal with everything that had happened at home. All that I had tried to surpress, to forget. My mom and Brother seem to finally be getting back to whatever normal is but I feel just as isolated as ever. And I'm afraid I'm losing my religion. I'll never stop believing christ and god but what if thats not enough?
Ok this turned into a vent sorry about that lol.
Cordy and Angel are my light at the end of the tunnel<3
