I was talking a while back about how I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 19 but my parents took my prescription, and I never received my appointment for group therapy (due to my parents intervention)
I was thinking about going in and asking for treatment.
I went back to the hospital...and it turns out I can't afford treatment.
Surprise there, and they just wanted to pump me full of meds again.
Am struggling with intrusive self harm/violent thoughts which I've managed not to act on yet, in relation to concerns about psychology sessions. Have written a letter to my psychologist but not sure how to get through the next week.
Am now making truffles (cream separated - unmitigated disaster) and cinnamon biscuits (process didn't fare much better but possibly salvagable).
Hellz, I'm sorry to hear that. It doesn't seem fair that you shouldn't be able to get treatment 'cause you can't afford it. Are there any voluntary counselling services around where you are?
Oh well, I have just woken up, have missed my appointment with my cpn, my mobile is broken so I don't know if she has called, I am going to put my sim into another phone, ohhh this is not good.
I am back at work in the morn and I am so not ready for it, but as I have been off for 3 weeks holiday, I can hardly not go in though, och such a mess :(
Sorry everyone. How you all doing today x
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
laura - hang in there with the uges. distract distract distract.
hollz - we all miss appointments sometimes.
and work might not be as bad as you think. good luck with it.
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me im going to Portsmouth uni.
my therapist banned me from taking my blades with me.
rekons i have the skils to cope without them and live my "new life"
so i lied and said i chucked them out so she didnt break confidentiality and tell mum.
feel ****.
A tyrant spell has bound me And I cannot, cannot go
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Emily Bronte
I'm excited for you Sarah about you going to uni. I had a good time at uni and no doubt you can settle in and so so also. Maybe you oculd consider doing as your therapist said and not take your blades? It would then be an extra step between you and sh and may curb any impulsive harming?
Laura, sorry to hear things are so difficult but I'm impressed in you fighting and distracting. Keep going hun.
I have just ordered pizza despite already feeling fat and disgusting. Going to binge. Oh well. I would like a few beers tonight but not sure if I can be arsed getting dressed to go out the house.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Phoned my CPN and she is fine with me, going to see her on Tuesday.
Just went out and boughts toys for the kids and a pc ame for me to keep me going, another botle of wine but healthy eating starts now
Oh and my friend Carri who I was away with, just text me to say her aunt has died, so all tonights plans are kinda out the window, and I am rubbish at saying stuff, just said I was here if she needed me really
Still, its Friday night eh and even though I am working at 7am, I intend to enjoy it as best as I can..
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
carri - we all get days like that if you can manage it consider showering it can sometimes help to get rid of the feeling of disgust.
hollz - thats one of those unavoidable situations where plans fall through.
theres nothing you can really say to your friend more than you have done. theres no words to take her pain away.
me - arghhh im actually freaking out.
i know its affectively normal to do that the day before such a big change
but cutting seems like such a good idea. and i packed my blades.
no way im ready to give them up yet.
arghhhh. i feel so alone
A tyrant spell has bound me And I cannot, cannot go
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Emily Bronte
Sarah, maybe you could throw them out? Even if you have to tell yourself you can buy more when you "need" to. Baby steps. You can do this; it's almost like just getting yourself into the headspace that things will improve at Uni... like having a fresh start. In reality, things might be difficult at times, so there is always the option of getting more blades. But maybe looking at making yourself a plan for what to do if things get difficult, without blades. Having numbers to call and people to turn to. I'm not explaining well because I want to acknowledge that I know this is really difficult for you.
Carrie, is there anything else you could do to feel better? Sometimes I find a hot bubblebath and a DVD help instead, writing or talking to somebody. You're not fat, or disgusting. You just fancy a pizza. If you have any in, maybe eat it with some raw carrot, pepper and cucumber sticks. That always makes me feel a bit better when I'm eating something that makes me feel bad. Also it might make you want less pizza and have the rest tomorrow. Mind you, I've said this way too late, sorry.
Hollz, I'm glad your CPN is okay with you and I hope it goes well on Thursday :)
I'm really struggling tonight, with stupid things.
Sarah, I must have been writing the above just as you wrote that, sorry. It's normal to be nervous before going to Uni, even moreso when you've been finding life so difficult for such a long time. It's quite a big change. But this might be really good for you, and I'm sure it'll feel better once you've settled in. Are you staying in Halls? We're dropping my lilbro off to Coventry Uni tomorrow.
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Just keep going into a dark, lonely place in my head. Logically I know I'm not just going to be abandoned, but a younger part inside of me can't hear that properly. So having a lot of destructive thoughts which I'm trying to fight :(
laura -
keep trying to fight those thoughts.
you know rationally its not the case and keep telling yourself that to remind yourself your in control and not alone.
the dark and lonely place in a head can be really scary, but your doing hte right things by not letting yourself settle in there.
sorry i cant offer anything more constructive.
me - im on top of the world now. the guy - yes the one who "let me " do stuff to him after i told him i loved him. - just sent me an image . he said he saw it and thought of me
"i just want you to share in my secrets and not run away" was the text.. awww :)
A tyrant spell has bound me And I cannot, cannot go
-
Emily Bronte
Its good that you are trying to fight the feelings, keep it going
Sarah - sounds like things are going well, good luck with that
Moi - Well okay I am on the wine (bad bad) and I am sitting here contemplating, I am meant to be back at work in the morn, but I am sitting here thinking of excuses to phone in sick for the weekend
My team are playing the Celtic tomoz, and I wanna go and I am just not in the mind frame for work, also been having a lot of impulses and stuff and just not in the zone, I know I aint been to work in 3 weeks coz of my holiday, and tomoz is me first fay back but i think i will phone in for sat sun and mon, and go back thurs maybe
I just have the motivation to do nothing, but self destruct :(
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Thank you Sarah and Hollz, that was really helpful. I'm probably going to write a letter to my psychologist. Well, I already started it yesterday. But I'm going to keep writing and writing instead of self harming, for as long as I can. Poor psych. will probably have a 15-page letter by next week :/
I want to say that it's good you're feeling happy about the message but part of me can't. Just still worried about your relationship with him. Take care.
I always write, it is the best release. I am writing a book tbh, well I have two books planned, but the latter one will incorporate a lot of mental health stuff, and I am going to have to do research on other disorders, the bpd did will be easy easy...everything else
I wrote to my cpn a few weeks ago, I was trying to highlight the problems that I have with manipulation and stuff, lying and not being...and she said what I had written had already been reflected on stuff I had written before, to my previous cpn but yeah it did go over some stuff that I had gone over you know, but I wanted her to know that I don't know who I am, my perception of who I am can chance hourly you know, I am not sure who I am, or who I wanna be.
but yeah...write, write and write
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Hollz, I think sometimes we need to go over things more than once before we can work through them. So it's okay to keep writing about stuff.
I will write, write and write :)
Now I'm struggling with being jealous of my brother for going to Uni tomorrow. Sometimes it feels like life is so easy for him (though I'm sure he doesn't see it that way). When's it my turn?
I've been to uni twice and failed, I was too unwell and couldn't complete and do coursework. I am not academically challenged, I sailed through school and was always top of everything, but when I was in 5/6th yr at school, my mental health problems started to come to frution. I was in school and I started self harming, taking overdoses, skipping school and etc etc...my guidance teacher was very discreet, she let me go to see people without needing parental approval and she turned a blind eye to me skipping school and she was the only one I could ever really talk to, not spoken to her in 6 years like since, I left school...6 years, **** I could of had a degree and a half since them, but no no no...I have hee haw, no degree, no proper qualification, dead end job, lots of debt, no life, dead end job, nobody to love me, nobody to love nothing nothing nothing , i aint nothing now no no no, wish i could find some worth but i cant
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
I didn't go into work today, I stayed in bed most of the day, except I did get up and go to the football, knowing my luck I will have been clocked on tv but I dunno, hopefully not - I actually do have a bleeding headache though, so I came in about 3ish and thats me just got up...
Oh well.
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
