I've been trying to take a walk every day recently; especially with the nice weather. In a way it's helped I guess. It's also made my anxiety go through the roof again. Still trying it though.
Gonna leave HIM for a while and try not to think too much about it. I've spoken again to the police who've said if I needed to get the restraining order against him and if I kept the texts where he threatens me then they could do things like have alarms fitted in the house etc. Dunno...feel like I'm making more of it than I should. Maybe he'll get bored and leave it soon? I can hope.
I don't feel real today. I feel like if someone tried to reach out to touch me I'd disappear. Like I'm smoke. I dunno. Crazy. New CPN called today. Wants to see me on Monday. Seemed nice enough. Coming to house though which I hate. Too much. Gah. Not heard from work or OH or anything. Don't think I can go back now...fought for it for so long now I'm gonna have to tell them they were right and I can't do it. Anxiety is bad. Mood is low. Suicidal. Brain not engaging properly. Just...all of its bad.
not makin too big a deal of him, not at all. def keep any texts sends etc., at least leave the option open for you to contact the police n give that to them. sounds like depersonalization/derealization type of dissociation. only you know if you can go back to work or not; try not to make that decision when very low, as we tend to view most things as too hard when feel this way. glad the cpn seems nice, hope that goes well. perhaps print off/write down things should tell him? anything they can do for anxiety etc?*hugs*
Every day the world is made a chance to change but i feel the same.
And I wonder why would i wait till i die to come alive?"
All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
Well done for going for a walk every day, especially given how much it has raised your anxiety. I'm glad it has helped a little as well. Perhaps it will also show your anxiety that you can do things and that the anxious thoughts aren't always right?
I'm not aware of the situation with 'him' so I won't comment. Just thought I'd say that so you don't think I'm ignoring the situation!
I'm sorry things feel so bad and difficult at the moment. I'm glad that the CPN you spoke to seems okay. Is there another option if you really don't want him to come to your house?
As for work, don't push yourself. Just because you aren't ready, doesn't mean you won't be ready in the future.
Trying to keep going for walks. Went out to see friends today even. Going to forest of dean tomorrow - try getting out of city to see if helps.
Manager called - OH need my permission to write report to work following psych letter so manager had to call me to get my permission to give OH my mobile number so they can call me to get permission to send work the report. Basically gonna be even longer now.
Suicidal feelings just seem to be getting stronger. Trying to stay strong til Mon for CPN appointment. Struggling but trying.
Sorry. You're probably getting bored with my problems and me complaining all the time.
Seeing genetisist tomorrow. Pretty damn scared.
Spoke to OH and they sending manager report today. Said she's included some specifics from psych report so manager gonna know completely about pasts and attempts. About attempt in Dec >.<
Shit.
I'm here for you Katie. You're not alone. You are stronger than this, and you can get through this. Remember we are here to help you, and I promise I will do anything and everything I can to support you.
Please keep fighting.
x x x
Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls.
Report back from Occupational Health yesterday. Basically says I can't go back full stop. I'm so pissed off. All this work with medication and therapy etc has been for nothing. The whole idea of it was to get me back to work. She's advised if work let me back it will be against OH's advice [which basically means if anything happens my employer will be liable]...so they're not gonna let me back. The stupid OH woman has made out that she 'reviewed' my case during a phone consultation with me...I've just checked on my phone...it was 4 fucking minutes and 36 seconds long. How is that a phone consultation? How is that meant to allow her to know how I'm doing and what I'm like? She has no fucking clue. Work can no longer pay me SSP so if Jobcentre can't I will no longer get any even though I WANT to be back at work and THEY'RE not letting me. I'm so fucking sick of it all. I want to burst into tears right now. I feel like they've literally screwed up my life. How am I meant to support a baby when it comes along with no pay. Ad's pay barely covers the rent. I literally want to scream at this fucking OH woman.
I have a meeting on Tuesday with N [my manager] and HR. I don't think it's gonna go well.
Thank you both <3
I have no words. I'm in a terrible place and I can't see a way out. I want to take all the pills I've stored up and end it all.
Nothing seems worth it any more.
Sorry.
x Katie x
Fuck. I can't do any of this anymore. I really fucking can't.
I can't handle this pregnancy and all the shit it's brought along with it. I don't want to find out the results from that genetics test next week because I don't want to know that I've written my life off at the age of twenty three. I don't want to be trapped into this life. I don't trust Adam...and I can't even tell him that. I can't explain anything and after what he did around Christmas I can't stop questioning everything he's doing. I can't handle my mum being so God damn clingy right now. Texting every fucking day. Telling me to look at houses to move to and having a go if I don't reply to her saying she doesn't understand what she's done - guilt tripping me every fucking step of the way. I have no friends here in Worcester. Literally no one. No one I can talk to about any of this. The one person I thought cared about me clearly doesn't and only wants to use me. I've lost all motivation for DBT and am actually debating just dropping out of the fucking course. None of it helps so what the fuck is the point? Getting that report from OH has destroyed me. I know it's not the right way of doing things but I was doing all this; the medication and therapy and whatever the fuck else, so I could go back to work. Now they've pretty much said I can't. Why do I even try? I've found out that all the shit I did with regards to my diabetes over the last few years has permanently damaged my eyes. I have managed to get my main blood test down from seventeen to six [six is the perfect level] but it's still not fucking good enough for all the doctors and nurses. I feel broken. Physically and mentally. I have to meet my new CPN on Monday and I'm terrified of it. I don't know what she's like or anything. I hate meeting new people. I just want to fucking crawl into a hole and die. I have to go to work on Tuesday to discuss the OH report and I have a horrible feeling I'm going to breakdown right there and then and it's gonna prove I'm no where near ready to be at work. I want so badly to be back. I don't want to leave there. I love the people. They've been amazing through everything. It's the one job I was good at. The one job I fucking liked and I ruined it all. They can't pay me SSP after April 2nd...which means I have no money. None for me or the baby or anything. I have debts piling up again. We have stuff that needs fixing around the house and no money to get it fixed. None of my friends from back home even want to give me the time of day. My medication isn't making me sleep any more - it takes me about two hours to get off to sleep then I wake up every half hour to an hour throughout the night then I'm completely awake again at about 4am. I was meant to be going out for a friends birthday today but I can't even face being around people right now so I didn't go. It's my birthday in a week and a half and I don't even care. I can't face it. I wasn't meant to still be alive for it. I don't want to do anything or see anyone. I just want to hide in my room forever. I am freaking out about gaining weight more than ever - yes, I know. You're meant to when you're pregnant but I can't let myself do it. It's taking all of my strength to not throw up anything I eat. To not exercise stupid amounts again. I just want to die. I have the pills. I have the injections. I have the letters and videos and everything. So why the fuck am I still here? I am too damn weak and pathetic to even kill myself properly. I don't want to be living this life anymore. I want Tom back. I want all of them back. I want HIM out of my life. I want the threats and shit to stop. I want it all to stop. I want to be able to trust Adam again. I want things to be good. I want to be happy about this baby not fucking dreading it all. I just wish I had the guts to finally finish myself off.
Fuck.
Last edited by Heaven Knows : 31-03-2012 at 10:49 AM.
Reason: Spelling.
Okay, I'm not in the right place to write a long reply. But I want to point out a few point
Your pregnancy can be the chance to turn things around for you - From 29 weeks on, you'll be entitled to income support for maternity. You will then be entitled to the £500 grant for you to buy things for the baby, look at things you can get second hand - It will save you a ton of money. Start buying earlier rather than later, even if it's just a pack of vests a week, etc, so it spreads the costs.
If your mum knows how depressed you are then that's why she is texting you daily - She's concerned for your welfare. Things may seem bad right now, but you WILL get through this - You HAVE to for the baby, you may not have all of the luxaries, you may not have everything brand new, but you will get the things you essentially need. x
Maple: Thank you for your reply <3 Logically I know that you're right; and I know I won't do anything to hurt myself while I have this little one depending on me...but every inch of my being right now is screaming at me to end it all.
I know I need to hold out until Monday to talk to my new CPN and wait til Tuesday to find out what work have to say but I feel like I'm fading. All power and strength and motivation I ever had has gone. I went to the Jobcentre yesterday and they really didn't help me so I don't know what I'm meant to do about my SSP stopping this week. I was meant to call someone to ask advice about work - this company who'll give advice as to what I can do/say to them but I can't bring myself to do it. I've got a GP appointment on Tuesday too - I don't really know what to say to him. He thought I was getting so much better. He was really pleased with my progress. Now; I'm so much worse than before.
I'm cutting myself off from people too - more than ever. I'm passed caring about any of it now. I have spent so long hiding all this from my family and stuff - only now they've found out and I have stopped caring about the stuff I say to them...I've stopped censoring myself. I just get so pissed off - none of them cared enough while I was growing up with all this shit so why do they get to weigh in now? Do they even deserve a say in my life now? They've done nothing but push me aside and keep secrets from me...at what point did they finally get around to acting like my family? Am I being too hard on them? Probably. I'm just sick of people entering my life and leaving it again when it suits them. Ignoring me for weeks/months/years then acting like I should do exactly what they say. Let's face it; they don't know me. At all. They have no idea what I've dealt with or where I'm coming from so why should I explain it to them? Why do they deserve that?
Adam's doing nothing but pissing me off right now; while I am panicking about how money is going to go far enough and saving everything I can what's he doing? He's started smoking again, he's going out and drinking and he's buying video games. There's going to be a point where I need to tell him to grow the fuck up. Only I know this baby is as much my fault as it is his; and if he'd chosen we wouldn't have been in this position...so do I have the right to be pissed at him? Maybe I'm just pissed off at the world right now.
Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
