I know it pleases you hun but it worries us on here and no doubt your husband, very much. I would love to see you get to the point where you can allow yourself proper treatment of it. I still hold hope for you.
I had a bit of a rant above about the TC and in my R&V. It always leaves me in a bit of a tizzy and today I am embarrassed for talking about some stuff and wish I hadn't. I'm all a bit confused about it right now and hate the fact that they are trying to instill some hope because we all know what happens when you allow that. Anyway, possibly a little inkling of hope v suicidal urges etc, are difficult to marry up.
Do you have any (good) plans for tomorrow?
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Talking sometimes helps, maybe when youve got over the embarassment of sharing it may be of some benefit to you.
Toimorrow, I plan to sleep in until midday and then I leave for therapy at 4.30. I know if im honest with her, that it will be a tough session. Im always honest with her so she will know everything about how I feel tonight. Im planning on staying up late so I can be on my own for a while.
Nothing pleasant for tomorrow really, my days all seem to be the seem and merge into one
To be honest, mostly I was shocked. I know some of those things shouldn't have happened or been done to me but they were genuinely shocked at some of it. I feel a bit silly still though because to me, it was no big thing, just my life and the people in it.
I'm probably going to be off and on now until later as my housemate is in now and we are about to eat.
I'm really glad you are honest and putting alot of effort into therapy, it will be worth it hun, really.
My days also merge hun.
Dreading having to talk to my gp tomorrow about work. I am slowly accepting that I am not able to do that right now but who knows what he will say. My SW agrees. My TC think I need to accept it and also apply for DLA as that will help me come to terms with it.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Im now trying to get back to work, all be it 4 hours a week but im not sure my doctor will sign me fit. Thing is, he seems to think im worse than I really am.
Ill be honest, I had a break down at work as I wasnt ready to return. I would hate to see that happen to you Carrie
Enjoy your dinner....I have a feeling Ill be about alot tonight xx
Sometimes i dont think im better at all, other times i do. Bascially for the last 18 months ive had some slip ups and a few overdoses, hardly anything compared wo what i was like. But for the last 18 months i have hardly done anything at all.
Its the whole new relationship stuff as well. My friend told me last night she was worried i would relapse, i told it to the guy and well he freaked thinking it was because of him, then got worried he would make me worser if things didnt work out. And i just realised i cant tell him anything incase he blames himself. But i still dont understand why he likes me at all.
Ive spent so long just seeing myself as someone who doesnt deserve anything good or happy, ive saw so many people get the happiness they wanted and ive always just sat by and watched.
Grace - i hope everything goes well for you tomrrow.
Carrie good luck with the doctor tomrrow im sure it wil all be ok.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
It must have been really difficult hearing from your friend that she was worried you would relapse considering all the effort and changes you have made.
You have made so many differences hun. You are nearly there, at that point where that horrible label of bpd will not apply, when you have a life that is lived how you want instead of by impulsive and destructive behaviours. It is your time to be happy and move on and at the moment that is where you are at - the point that you need ot realise that you can be well and have left the bpd behind hun.
I certainly want to see you be able to say that you realise that you are worth something and no longer identify yourself as a self harmer or someone who is bpd.
xxx
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
When i thought about it there 18 months is such a long time, and the past year has been up and down but im getting there, im feeling happier mostly although i will always have my ups and downs, thats just life i guess.
Cheryl im glad you are out of hospital and feeling that you gained something from it.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
When i thought about it there 18 months is such a long time, and the past year has been up and down but im getting there, im feeling happier mostly although i will always have my ups and downs, thats just life i guess..
This is great Mari. I wish I had decided back at your age to sort things before going on and destroying so many other things.
You are right though. Life is ups and downs and it is learning to accept that and recognise when it is right and when perhaps it is going too far to an extreme.
Hang on in there as you are doing fantastically!
xxx
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Hey Sarah, I will be around for some time still if you want to splurge/chat. I did read your earlier posts but was too wrapped up in my post-TC haze to properly reply, sorry.
btw Tinkerbell/Tig - sorry, realised I missed out acknowledging your name change. Hope you are ok?
xxx
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
You aren't being selfish and it is completely ok to not be able to take on other people's issues when you are struggling or at anytime you don't want or feel able to.
How do you think you betrayed your friend? Is this about the guy? How did you hurt the other? Sorry to ask but I think it is important to ask so that you can get it straight in your head, if that makes sense.
Can you talk about all this stuff in therapy?
I've cracked open the 2nd bottle in an attempt not to shred myself ot bits.
It's good to think about other people's problems right now.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
i betrayed my friend by telling this guy last night that we slept together .. its more the fact that he's now back with his girlfriend and shes gonna find out - they werent together when it happened -
i dunno i just wanted to talk about soemthing so talking about sex is easy. especily when we both knew stuff would happen between us that night.
sorry if that made no sense.
i tell my therapist and she says ive said it all before untill u start listening and changing it im not saying it again.. tbh its been a year of the same **** for her i dont blame her.
i lost my other friend by telling him i was in love with him. - big mistake -
and hurt the other one coz he likes me.
careful with your drinking chick. says the girl whos just opened her own bottle lol
A tyrant spell has bound me And I cannot, cannot go
-
Emily Bronte
Sorry to be so slow to reply - you should nudge me by pm or something as I am busy sorting out or giving my completely invalid opinions here and elsewhere.
Do you mean that you have tried to talk about this stuff with your therapist and they are not willing to - I think it is really important because you shouldn't be feeling as though you should be giving such "favours". You need to learn that you are worth more and work through the feelings as to why you need to do this stuff b/c you clearly do feel that need and it comes from something or somewhere.
Just to make you feel comfortable and I am really out of my comfort zone here - I have tremendous urges but spent a large part of uni as a christian who believed in no sex before marriage. I have no idea how to deal with this stuff and no I transfer this to harm or physical activity - sorry, that's pathetic.
Can you and your friend not learn to be friends again?
PUT THE BOTTLE DOWN :)
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
thanks hun - sorry i fell asleep -
it makes sense but you know its gonna have to be a work in progress.
and im not overly concerned on the actions of my therapist im only seeing her for 3 more sessions.
hope your feeling better this morning - and what you said wasnt pathetic
A tyrant spell has bound me And I cannot, cannot go
-
Emily Bronte
