The Borderline Personality Disorder Thread

[Left in the centre]

i say yes it takes away your personality. but thats just because its just a consuming illness.
it makes you analyse everything and feel 1000 things... recovery makes you realise how theres a fine line between emotions and extreme emotions...
so not technically it doesnt . it just feels like it

in my opinion

[whirlpools]

I would agree with that too ^ I think before long you can become so wrapped up in what, like Sarah said, is a very consuming illness, that you lose sight of the other parts of who you are. Something I'm trying to do when I wake up in the morning is just tell myself "It's okay. I can do this." and sometimes it stops me needing to be psychotic (which is almost an identity in itself - but a costly one) or "Borderline" (hate that term) or anything like that. Maybe just do one thing a day that makes you you. Bake a cake. Go for a coffee with a friend. Sing in the shower. Make something arty/crafty. Just do whatever you like doing, just even for 30mins - 1 hour a day. It doesn't need to be stressful or challenging, but just try to have that time away from the internet or away from distractions like the TV. I'm really rambling, sorry.

[whirlpools]

The following content has been hidden - Reason : The Mayonnaise Jar (given to me be an OT on the ward, and now stuck to my living room wall)

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - your God, family, children, health, friends, and favorite passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. So: Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner.. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

[Bleeding Angel]

thanks.

I rember that story its quite nice.

[whirlpools]

I just bought two pretty scarves for £5 from Asda. And I'm eating mango :) omnom.

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Finished the bottle of wine and now going to start on the rum - sorry, I fail again.

Re the personality thing, I am struggling with that. It seems as though some of the things that used to be good or helpful in work/study are also considered borderline and if they are borderline, what is left of me and is that "me" worth bothering about. I don't know where me ends and bpd begins especially when I find out more that my behaviours as a young child are considered bpd before I even knew anything about mh problems. Argh.

[ThinkingofRecovery]

I just read the mayonaise thing - I am going to think about that tomorrow when properly sober - maybe write a list and classify things to help get them in perspective. Thank you :)

[zowie]

You don't fail, Carrie. I'm about to finish my wine (after *cough* a...few...beers). We all have something to get us through. So, it isn't exactly a great way of making ourselves feel better, but we'll get through it. One day. I hope.

That mayonnaise jar story was nice. I'm going to remember that.

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Hey Zowie, remember how blummin far you have come.

I saw your post in Moving Forward and you are escaping the clutches of bpd before it grips you like it has me. I am so glad to see it as people like me don't have an excuse either and it shows what hard work can do.

What you going to do for your birthday hun?

xxx

[Left in the centre]

zowie - hang in there hun. drinks wont kill you and its a work in progress so keep on trying. the fact that yoy know it wont help is a good start

carrie - were all different its not that your not working hard on your recover its just taking longer. the longer it takes the more it seems to grip.. but we'll get there hun. believe me we will.

[ThinkingofRecovery]

I'm just one of those ****ers on who it has taken hold because no-one cared to label me earlier.

What you upto Sarah? It doesn't matter if you can't reply to people, you do realise that don't you? We are all like that at times and then at other times we are able to help; now is the time for you to let loose hun
xxx

[sosadjane]

Hi
I am 49 yo nurse with BPD. I have been SIing for 5 + years. I have been a client of a community based tx team for 10 years. My borderline symptoms have been increasing over the last year. I get my feelings hurt very easily and I always feel as though everyone is abandoning me or angry with me. I have been hurt so much recently by my tx team. My nurse (whom I have respected and liked) told me that because I couldn't or wouldn't do my DBT Book I didn't want to get better. I have pretty much given up on myself. I have such poor self esteem that I hate myself. What ever I do it is never good enough and all I can see is the negitive in everything. I am chronically suicidal and seem to go out of my way to cause harm to Imyself. I understand the concept of recovery, but I feel that my life is so messed up and I have been ill with this and major depression for most of my life I really don't have a life, I stay in my room so I don't get hurt and now I am a DBT dropout, a failure, a person that now is very angry at everyone around me because I feel so betrayed. I don't know what I want from any of you. I feel so alone. The only one that I could trust was my pdoc and my time is being taken away, because they want me to be less dependend on the team. Thank you for listening Jane

[whirlpools]

Hi Jane, welcome to the thread. I'm sorry to hear you've had such longstanding difficulties. Have you ever been to a therapeutic community? I do know people of around a similar age who have had problems for as long as you and have been able to use TCs as a chance to improve their quality of life.

Well, I hope we'll be able to come up with something that will help you, Jane. But if not, do know that we will be here listening anyway. xxx

[Left in the centre]

carrie - thanks hun. and so you werent labled in time got some unaffective help and now its all about changing. its hard but your not alone. were all fighting dont forget that. you'r never gonna be alone if were here.

sosadjane - hi ya. welcome to our little old board.
it sounds like youve had a rough ride, so pull up a chair and vent if you like.
i have a therapist who says im choosin not to get better too. its never fun to hear.

i feel numb today. i hate this feeling.

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Ouch.

I thought because when I was sick once last week and it wasn't blood that my stomach was better but oh gosh it is giving me a little reminder this morning. It's my fault for drinking but quite sore so probably bleeding again.

I'm supposed to be helping out with the TC later but am probably too pissed right now.

****ING FAILURE. ALWAYS AM.

[whirlpools]

You're not a failure. That word shouldn't exist. You do make bad choices sometimes though, like the rest of us. You work hard at getting better and I believe one day you'll make fewer bad choices. Please see a doctor about the bleeding stomach, that doesn't sound good at all. Hope you get some rest.

Sarah, the numb feeling is horrible. Maybe you could try doing something you feel passionate about later? Make sure you listen to what your body and mind need today.

I'm feeling slightly manic. I drank a can of Relentless last night assuming it'd only keep me awake an extra half an hour, especially as I'm on a (low dose of) new antipsychotics. I was awake all night instead with palpitations and the shakes and the giggles. I then decided to go to Leeds at 7am, which is a 40min train journey away. Got back and slept for about an hour, rang the day unit to say I couldn't go in, worried the crap out of them and the HTT who thought I was ringing to say I'd crashed. Again. Fortunately not, for once. Haha. But I'm worried it'll come if I don't sleep properly and start taking proper care of myself. But I also get so scared that if I do sleep, I'll feel bad again once I wake up. It's like I want to hold onto feeling good for as long as I can, because things have been so awful for so long, that I'm desperate for it.

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Oh boy do I make bad choices, very bad choices. The other day I got 2 country, chunky soup things for £2, I thought I had picked up a lamb variety one and a chicken variety but no - 2 blummin chicken ones - argh.

I've just been sick and no blood so all good, just sore.

Gosh Laura, you should have come to mine - party central. I know I was drunk but I was high as a kite also - we could on a random train journey together :)

Hmm, maybe I am still a wee bit up there - oops.

Oh hun, you and I both know that the highs are just as detrimental in the long term. It doesn't mean you will crash that low, just perhaps bit more towards normal. Could you speak to the HTT about your worries?

xxx

[whirlpools]

Hahaha Carrie, bad luck on the chicken soup for the soul front. I'm still a bit up there on that one can of Relentless, think I'd actually have been better sticking to the bottle of wine I bought! Party sounds like a good idea, we could've gone for a drunken/high/caffeinated jog round the park at 6am.

I'll try speaking to the HTT about what's going on, I just don't want them to think I'm trying to label myself with anything negative when I'm feeling positive, and they're clearly glad I'm feeling better too. I think it's because I haven't felt normal for so long, that it's hard to know if this is normal or not. But I know I need to get my act together re: the sleep.

I'm glad your vomit is normal-coloured now, are you on Lanzoprazole or anything?

[ThinkingofRecovery]

It is good that you are feeling good as long as it is real and not something false. Sorry, that sounds like a big downer. As you say, make sure you manage to fit in sleep, meals, etc.

I should have stuck to the 1 bottle of wine as now I am going to be in the **** with the group. I love it, 1st week when I got a role in the group I wasn't there b/c of an OD and today I can't turn up as I am ever so slightly pissed and on a high still - oh dear.

I can't believe that this has turned into a "discuss Carrie's vomit thread" :) Yeah, my Lansoprazole was doubled the other week (I had been on it in the past but decided I knew better) and it seems to have helped as when I vomit now, it appears to be "normal" - I'll tell my GP it was a diagnostic test when I see him next week

[Left in the centre]

laura - i totally get the wanting to stay on a high . but we all know its dangerous.
try to talk it through with people. i know you dont wanna try to seem like your labeling yourself. i told my therapist about my highs and being "manic" and she went. but your not bipolar. its not about needing a label but needing to be understood. think of it that way.

carrie - hmmmmm oh dear is the response that shows you know you shouldnt be doing it and your making the wrong decisions but doing it anyway. my response like this is it'll be fine dont worry. but we both know they're just us not taking responsibility.
so the aim for next week is to be able to go yes?
hand in there

-
im seeing my friend later hopefully. the guy i had coming over back out today so at least i dont have to deal with handing out sex again. i should feel rejected... but i cant feel. sigh. it'll hit me when i start again