Life, please... no more - Page 20

crazykat · 03-11-2009, 12:38 PM

Best of luck with the pyschologist tomorrow will be thinking of you *hugs*

Kahlia1981 · 04-11-2009, 04:21 AM

I'm so nervous about going to this psychologist. I have to leave in about 10 minutes and I'm shaking. I've just taken a Xanax to try and settle me down so that I can get there. It's not going to be a fun ride either as my legs are sore. But I guess I just need to keep putting one foot infront of the other until I get there.

crazykat · 04-11-2009, 05:54 AM

*Hugs* I hope your appointment goes ok for you

Kahlia1981 · 04-11-2009, 07:33 AM

Thanks Kat.

The appointment with the psychologist went well. I left home half an hour early so that I could go to the pharmacist and have time to compose myself before the appointment but while I was riding I heard my phone go off. When I got to a point that I could stop I checked my phone and saw it was from a private number but that they had left a voicemail so I checked my voicemail and it was from the doctors surgery where I was to see my new psychologist. They said he had an appointment available right there and then so I rang them and told them I was about 10 minutes away and then continued riding but with added vigour. The session lasted about 45 minutes and was a basic "getting to know you" type session. I was open and honest about a lot of things including mentioning things from my childhood and talking about the dark place that I am currently in. He seemed genuinely interested and even shared a few things about himself like his taste in music. All in all it was quite a positive session. He asked me to make another appointment to see him - which isn't until December - and asked me to get the reception staff to put me on a waiting list in case of cancellations. He said he'd like to see me once a week. I normally get incredibly agitated when I'm nervous about something but by the end of the session my agitation had settled. That is something quite rare.

crazykat · 04-11-2009, 10:11 AM

I am glad that the appointment went well, hopefully this is the start of something good for you *hugs*

Kahlia1981 · 04-11-2009, 10:26 PM

I don't know why I bother to set an alarm. My body is waking me up (or my brain it's a little hard to tell) about half an hour before my alarm goes off. I'm getting used to spending quite a bit of time on my own but I feel exceptionally uneasy. I think it's just that when I'm on my own the voices are more obvious as I don't have as many distractions, and it's easier to get caught up in the dark mood that I'm currently experiencing. I try and organise that I spend a little bit of time on my own everyday anyway and try and use it to study .... but that's a little hard because my enrolment into the IT degree from the joint IT/Business degree can't be processed until the new year. I'm not sure why that is but it's something that my academic advisor advised me of when I went to see her and check out all my subjects. She is going to be a busy woman when it comes to doing enrolments. They have instituted a whole lot of new subjects some of which are combinations of other subjects that have existed before and some of which are brand new so they have a lot going on.

I go to see my employment coordinator today. For the first time I am going to be riding my bike to see her and I'm a little concerned about the route I need to take both to get there to see her and to get back again. I've warned her that I might be late because I am going to ride there and have never ridden there before so don't know exactly how much time it's going to take but I've made an educated guess. I'm a little nervous about riding there but I guess that's pretty normal. At least she doesn't scare me. I do have to tell them however that I'm feeling pretty stressed over returning to work at all.

crazykat · 05-11-2009, 03:19 AM

That happened to me awhile too with the alarm, its both annoying and frustating. Can you maybe devise a bit of a list of distractions for yourself? Best of luck with your employment person

Kahlia1981 · 05-11-2009, 04:32 AM

Well I achieved two things so far today. I managed the ride to my DEN provider and I now have an almost complete resume. It's complete except for the Referees. It took me about 20 minutes to ride there and I will confess I took the shortcut from our house to the main road (ending at the first roundabout instead of the second). I have to go see the girl again next Friday and have to think about referees and where I want to work. I didn't tell her that the thought of work brings all sorts of fear and trepidation to me and I probably should have. Oh well.

I rang my mother this morning and we had a chat for a bit. Apparantly my dad is shedding weight and becoming a bit of a walking skeleton. I sent them a text asking whether dad should maybe go to a doctor in case there is something medically wrong with him. He wasn't very big to start with which is why I'm a little concerned. We also talked about what they had done with the uni course I'm being enrolled into and my mother shared her concern that I had taken on too much. I told her that I'm trying to keep my perfectionism under control and that I would be dropping a subject if I felt it was too much.

This probably sounds really stupid but I really do miss my dog - the dog we had to get put to sleep. I miss her cuddles. My housemate has told me to try and not dwell on it because I am in this dark place already but I can't help it.

Kat: I'll try and develop a list of distractions. I think I'll even ask both my housemate and my psychologist when I see him again to see if they can think of anything that might distract me that I don't or can't think of myself. Thanks for the idea.

crazykat · 05-11-2009, 06:58 AM

Yay for two achievements, that's awesome I am so proud of you hun. Its not stupid at all to miss your dog its understandable. Here is a link to RYL's Big Distraction Page that I thought you might find helpful in devising your list as it has over 200 suggestions I think.

Merc · 05-11-2009, 07:10 AM

not many words, just wanted to say I understadfn about your dog...I just lost one of mine in July...and it is NOT getting easier with time.
i miss him so much.
Im sos orry.
will reply proper when ican.
xx

Kahlia1981 · 06-11-2009, 10:40 PM

Thanks romp and Kat.

My mood has taken another downward turn. I feel like I'm standing on a slippery slope that will end (if I fall) in an OD or SI or ED problem. And the slope is so great that for every step I manage to take up the hill I risk falling three or four steps downwards. I feel like it's almost vertical and the easiest thing to do would be to allow myself to drop and try and pick up whatever pieces I can when I've hit the bottom. I'm running out of energy to keep treading forwards. The fight just feels like it's becoming too much. Too overwhelming. And I'm questioning why I should even be trying to fight.

*sigh*

crazykat · 07-11-2009, 05:08 AM

*cuddles* You can do this sweetheart

Kahlia1981 · 08-11-2009, 01:32 AM

I've worked out what is making my mood drop. It seems to be caused by the relationship between me and my housemate. I love him... unconditionally but he is scared to love and so wants to remain as friends. And that hurts me because I feel like I have done something wrong. Because we did date but only until the hospital told him that coming in to see me was unhealthy. That broke us up and now I feel like he looks at me like I'm diseased. I'm struggling to reconcile myself to the fact that nothing will every happen between us and it's playing havoc with my emotions. Knowing that doesn't help at all however. I'm sitting here now at my computer listening to songs of love and loss because I don't know how to cope. There's a voice in my head saying that I don't have to live with this emotional struggle because suicide is a definite option and I'm starting to buy into this voice. I also have a dead guy running around my bedroom but I think that might just be a hallucination.

I cut myself. Only once and not deep but I don't know whether I have to restart my count or whether to count it as a slip and let it go. I'm not intending to cut again. I know that cutting isn't a solution.

I just feel like I'm letting everyone down. *sigh* And I can't even cry which I think would help relieve some of the feelings. But I'll be okay. I always pull through. I just wish I knew how it was going to happen.

crazykat · 08-11-2009, 11:04 AM

*cuddles* I wish I had the words but I don't but wanted to let you know I am thinking of you

Kahlia1981 · 09-11-2009, 12:58 PM

I feel like running away .... from myself. *sigh*

I saw my GP today and he is happy with my meds staying stable for the moment, giving myself time to get used to the meds and so forth. All fine and good...

I'm having a lot of trouble "getting over" my housemate. We sat out the back and chatted tonight about uni and ... other stuff. He wants me to get out and play the field and find myself some nice guy to be with. He doesn't understand that it isn't going to happen. I've made the choice that if I can't have him I can't have anybody.

Right now I feel like majorly ODing. This is something I've been exceptionally scared of since I cut. Basically because my mood is ... almost numb ... and the voices are strong and they are starting to all start screaming and matching up with the part of me that just wants to go ahead and do it. Telling me that removing myself from the human race wouldn't hurt anyone and everyone would be back to their normal lives within a day or so of finding out about it.

I'm so over all this ...

Kahlia1981 · 09-11-2009, 11:12 PM

I wish there was an easy way out. I can't take this anymore. I've made a decision that I can't talk about until it's time to take action on it. Basically so that my housemate can't find out about it because he'll try and stop it. I don't know why. Right now I'm listening to a bunch of depressing songs because my mind won't let me listen to anything happy. It gets frustrated and starts telling me that they are so fake because noone in the world is ever happy. I'm even having trouble listening to my favourite bands HIM, Within Temptation, Nightwish and Evanescence. I'm more than a little bit over everything. I wish there was a simple solution. Some sort of press here to escape button if you get me. Meh. I don't know... I'm running out of energy to keep fighting. And I know I need to fight if I want to live ... but I'm starting to question whether it's worth it. Gah, what does it matter anyway??

crazykat · 10-11-2009, 01:19 AM

*Hugs Kahlia* Please try and tell someone about how you feel, perhaps your GP? I know things are hard right now but you will get through this

Kahlia1981 · 10-11-2009, 12:24 PM

My housemate saw my arm by accident this morning and asked me to show him my arm again this afternoon. I had to tell him what I had done and agree to get rid of the blade so that there was less risk of it happening again. He told me not to reset my SI free count but to count it as a slip and told me that if I get that way (or something worse) to let him know or ring the crisis team. He said, quite truthfully, that he can't help me if I don't let him know what is wrong. He knows I've been unwell for a long time and that cutting is not a good sign and I think he suspects that there is something deeper going on. I think I'm going to tell him what I've been planning to do... but I don't think I'm going to like the response I get. I think it might be a one-way trip to the hospital.

On a lighter note my housemate and I went to a Buddhist meditation session for the second time tonight and we decided to sit on the floor in the meditation position (last week we sat at the back of the group on chairs). It was fairly easy for me because I'm quite flexible but my housemate struggled. He said that after 15 minutes of sitting like that he felt like someone was hitting his ankle with a crowbar. The session tonight was on breathing and I found it really helped calm down some of the emotions that I've been feeling. They aren't gone completely but they are less troublesome in a lot of ways. It was a pleasant experience.

crazykat · 10-11-2009, 01:04 PM

*Cuddles* I really hope you do tell him or someone about what is really going on for you, I just think you could use that extra support right now. I am glad the meditation helped.

Kahlia1981 · 11-11-2009, 09:14 PM

I opened up to my housemate (but not in great detail) about some of the things that were going on and he asked me to ring the crisis team and get their opinion on things. So I rang them and had a chat. I have made an emergency appointment with my GP for today so they were just concerned with getting me through until today and told me to keep trying my distraction techniques. It wasn't really all that helpful but at least if I get to a point where I need to visit the hospital they will have advance notice that I've been feeling suicidal for quite some time. Hopefully it won't get that far but the way I'm feeling at the moment it's a definite possibility.

I woke up this morning feeling incredibly tired. I think I'm going to try and get some more sleep or at least some rest. Right now my whole body is hurting and that doesn't bode well for the bike ride to the doctors. I guess I'll just do the best that I can. If it takes me a bit longer .... that's life.