Owh sweet, that's shit and I'm sorry it happened. But I think it's a reflection of her, not you, and you don't deserve to be treated like that. I think it's completely understandable that you're so hurt, all you have to do now is to take care of yourself and be gentle of yourself with the hurt.
Don't give up on friendships, my friendship with you means the world to me and I don't think you'll infect me.
Darling; be safe. If you have to have a bit of respite, do so, it might make things a bit clearer for you.
I'm back online hun. Hope you are feeling even a teeny bit better today. Have you managed to speak to your gp? Maybe hospital would be useful to give you a break and keep you safe so that you don't have to fight to keep yourself safe.
*hugs*
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Laura, I just read this, and I really wanted to reply. I can hear that you feel really down about yourself at the moment and, with regards to Zoe, like everyone has said, the fault lies with her and not with you. You still managed to take a really big step and for that you should be so proud. As for being a trouble maker of a member you're certainly not that. You just have to read back this thread to see how important you are to such a lot of people here. Also from a personal point of view although I've only "met" you recently, what I've seen is that you're a really committed RYL'er who's always tring to push things forward for the good of the community so not a troublemaker at all.
How are things going for you this morning Laura? How are you feeling?
Kiran
xx
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
Thankyou all for your replies. I apologise again for not being with it enough to reply properly to you all..still pretty spacey/out of it.
My GP phoned and the first thing i said was "I'm not doing good, i need to see you as soon as possible" - "Ok - will 4.10pm do you?" - "Yes" - "Ok, see you then, take care Laura" *puts phone down*
So. 4.10pm. I'm bordering on asking to go into hospital but i don't think i can emotionally cope with the psychiatric assessment from the crisis team because i REFUSE to have any intervention from the crisis team - and if they say "Oh you don't need to be in hospital but we'll send someone round daily" i will refuse to open my f*cking door. I hate them so much you will never understand just how much i hate them. They're completely useless. If i wanted the crisis team i'd ask for them, but i want a bed, in a hospital, just for a few days/weeks, for some respite and to sort my medication out as i'm forgetting to take them - i'm all over the place and i can't physically manage to follow times with tablets right now.
I'm fucked really aren't i? I don't think i'll end up going in. I'll ask. But i doubt i'll end up in there.
I think you need to print out your last post and show it to your GP. Especially that you can't manage to follow times with tablets, that would be a clear reason for hospital to happen. Does he know how hard you've found the crisis team previously. I read a post on lj before that I think (if memory serves correctly, which it doesn't always do) you outlined exactly how bad the crisis team were there, I could dig it out for you (I think it would be frustrating and depressing for you to go through how bad things have been on your lj) and turn it into a list for you to give your GP if that might help?
Could I have your email for the leaflet on grounding? I can't upload it on RYL (Copyright etc, I'm paranoid about it). Just pm your email ... wait... I think I have your email. Ok, I'll email it to you once I've found it your email. Sorry I'm rambling. Don't worry if you cant' read it at the moment, or even if you never read it, it just might help knowing you have it there, or it might help to give it to someone to read so they can help you when you're dissociating/upset (it's meant to help flashbacks and bad emotional things too), especially if you do go into hospital and such.
I don't think you're fucked, I will be thinking, hoping, praying (if that's ok) for you to get a bed, or some sort of help that doesn't involve the crisis team nightmare.
Right, so, firstly a massive thankyou to Abigail, Emma & Carrie for texting me before/during/after my appointment - i truely believe if it hadn't been for your support/encouragement i would have walked out. So thankyou, it means a lot to me.
(And Tiff ilyt)
Secondly - I went in really spaced out. I felt like i did last night, and i kept looking at my hands in a strange way apparently as Dr.Newson said "Is there something wrong with your hands?" and i said no and asked why he said "You keep moving them back and fourth towards your body/face and i'm just wondering why" - no idea i was doing it. My eyelids were droopy and i think i was on that dissociation verge again through stress of going. That on top of mental/emotional exhaustion is just not a good mixture.
When i told him about what happened at the weekend, how this has been building up for months and that the whole Zoe situation triggered it all off, he immediately said "I think you should be in hospital, do you want to go?" - without me even having to ask. I said yes, and then i cried and said "You of all people know how much i hated hospital in December, so for me to openly admit to you it would be the safest place for me right now is a big thing" and he agreed.
He tried to phone the on call psychiatrist who was busy (surprise surprise). He asked if i'd mind waiting outside so he could see a few patients while they got back to him, so i went out for a cigarette as the waiting area was packed. Went back IN to the waiting area and started breathing heavily and fast, i think everyone thought i was a freak :/ Epic fail on trying to not have an anxiety attack.
He called me back in, and the options were either i have an assessment today by the crisis team (in which i replied a very stern NO) or i go to Huntingdon Clinic (the next town from here) to get assessed by one of my consultant psychiatrists junior doctors - which i cried about (at the thought of getting there = sad times with my anxiety) but reluctantly agreed to be assessed by one of the junior doctors as i do NOT want ANY intervention by the crisis team WHAT so ever.
I'm now convinced that my appointment will be of no use, that they will deem me relatively safe to stay at home and send the crisis team out despite me kicking up a fuss. If they do send the crisis team out i will refuse to see them or speak to them. It is in my care plan that under no circumstance do i have any intervention from the crisis plan UNLESS it is FORCED upon me which is unlikely as by that point i should apparently be hospitalised.
I'm waiting on a call from Dr.Newson - he asked if i wanted to wait in the waiting room so he could tell me the time of my appointment but i said i just wanted to go home, so here i am. He's working until 8pm so i'll just wait patiently for his phonecall. I'm scared about tomorrow, i'm scared they won't listen, i need to somehow articulate some words on paper about how im feeling/about the crisis team but i'm so anxious i'm finding it impossible. My mother is being uber understanding which is freaking me out as she usually calls me an attention seeker/that i put it on - and dad just said "You aren't well today then dear?" in a really sweet way. My parents freak me out when they're being nice as i am used to the opposite treatment, but i think they're beginning to understand i'm in a dangerous place at the moment.
I have been given a bunch of Temazepam and Diazepam to calm me down. So i'm hoping in an hour or two i'll feel more chilled out. I'm smoking too much which is always a sign my anxiety is bad.
I have a pint of fresh orange juice with ice, mum treated me and brought me 2 cartons. So i'm trying to cool down. I'm just..so irritated, upset, emotional, hormonal..you name it, i feel it.
I've changed the title of this thread to "My update thread" rather than "Support thread" as although support would be great it's not mandatory, i just want the people who care to know what's going on if i do go into hospital.
I'm running low on credit so finding it difficult to reply - sorry guys. I'll always be about on RYL though until the early hours of the morning so PM me anytime and i'll reply.
IF i do go into hospital it's likely my mother will lend me £10 until i get paid thursday to top my phone up so i can keep those of you who are interested updated on what's going on and how i'm doing.
I will openly admit i'm scared. Scared they won't have a bed. I can't go further than my local hospital as i will be in a state because i'll be too far from home and my agoraphobia simply won't let me, i'd rather hang myself to be quite frank.
So there's the update/whats going on now if anyone was/is interested.
Thankyou all again for your ongoing support - i love you all.
xx
I'm so glad something's being done. I really, really am. I know you can do it, you just need to. It's more a need than a want, & blah I don't know what I'm saying but I love you & you can do it and update from you would be good please *hugstight*
Heya hun, sorry I texted you and then came online, so don't worry about replying, I was out of it for an hour or so which is why I didn't text you more, really sorry. I will reply properly in a bit, when I'm feeling more 'with it.'
No phonecall from him to let me know what time my psychiatric appointment is. I'm having a panic attack. Feeling forgotten. Like no one gives a shit. I'm on my own again and all of todays shit was for nothing. I'm back at square one again.
No point. Might aswell just fucking hang myself. Least i fucking tried.
I hope the appointment goes okay Laura, it sounds like the best thing for you right now and well done on being so brave about it all.
Thinking of you. x
"Be nice. Think happy thoughts. Champion silver linings. Love all things (not just cute things like babies and kittens) & when you do love - love like they do in power ballads (you know like on a cliff with the wind in your hair and your eyes shut, knowing you'll never know love like this). Watch out for dog poo. Smile at people - even grumpy ones. Remember anything is possible & whatever you do always try to look on the bright side."
Nah, they just can't be arsed with me, which i can understand, because i can't be arsed with me either, and nor should any of you.
I won't be about RYL much anymore, i'm going to wean myself off it. This place is fucked up and i'm fucked off with being bitched about in threads because people are too pussy to come and say it to my face. They can all go to hell for all i care, i'll meet them there soon enough.
To the people that have my number, you know where i am.
Laura.
Hey Laura, I will keep texting you hun but will bear in mind that you may run out of credit.
You are worth it. You have helped so much recently. It was you that put me back on track and yes things are bloody hard being back here but you reminded me of that little part of me that wants to recover. If it wasn't for you being honest and willing to put it so clearly in that text the other week, I wouldn't be looking around at the options. I am saying this publicly as I want people on here to realise how beautiful and kind you are in the hope that it counteracts any stupidity and insults of others.
Please report any member that has behaved towards you in such an appalling manner.
You know where I am hun.
*hugs tight to keep safe until assessment*
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
You done that for yourself Carrie, i was just there as a friend. I'm not kind, i'm a bitch, and i'm certainly not beautiful. But thankyou for taking the time out to write that, even if i don't believe a word of it.
Take care of yourself - concentrate on you now.
x
Last edited by squirrelspit : 02-06-2009 at 12:29 PM.
Reason: take care babe. xxxx
I'm with Carrie - you are beautiful. You might not see it, and there are some people on here who are complete shitwits and rotton inside and who are probably jealous of your spirit. You have fought so hard, and I personally find you inspiring, despite everything you speak your mind, you're very just and a great friend.
These aren't empty words hun, I don't know what's happened, but I know some of the shit you go through on RYL, and I think it's disgusting and I will fight for you till the end.
Here for you, I really hope you can get through till the assessment, and I hope so much it works out and they let you have some respite.
