Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: UK
I am currently:  
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Please note: this chapter may cause triggers. Please take care while reading. Always stay safe xxx
Chapter Three
Hate and Love.
9th July 2007... Later on the same day.
I'm at Chris's now. Him and Lucy have gone to get some food and a couple of things for the babies room, not long to go now, 4 week! In 4 weeks i'm going to be an aunt! My brothers going to be a dad!!
I managed to get an hours sleep so i'm feeling a little better for that now, although i'm still in pain. John is coming around soon as Chris said he could, so that'll be nice to spend time with him without other people around. The little ones are at grannys house and as far as they know, nothings wrong. I'm not really sure what they thought of my face though. The door bells just gone, its probably John xx
I place my diary under my bag and answer the door where stood infront of me is my mum still in her pyjamas, drenched through from the rain, she hasn't even got any shoes on.
'what are you doing here?' i ask her with a thousand things going through my mind. She pushes past me and looks around the flat 'no one else is here its just you and me' i say to her and she goes and sits in the dining room. *please talk. please just talk. say something, anything* I go into the dining room and sit on a chair to the side of her
"we need to talk" she says to me "sit down" then she looks at me and realises I am sat down. Her hairs dripping from the rain, her leg jumping up and down. She looks back away from me and stares at the table "you answered back to me last night Laura. You know i'm you mom, you know you shouldn't do that. I'm better than you. I am. I'm better than you. I know you don't think I am, i know you think im a bad person, Laura, but i'm not. I'm not. I'm not a bad person, why do you think i'm a bad person?" she says her words quickly and it takes a second to register in my mind
'i don't think your a bad person' i say calmly to her and pass her a towel from the kitchen 'your not a bad person'
"dont lie to me" she snaps as she takes the towel from me "no NOT lie to me, you hear me?" i nod to her and she nods back "good. im glad"
'i didn't lie to you' thats the truth. I didn't lie to her. I don't think shes a bad person, i think shes a self obsessed person, but not a bad person,not really.
"why did you say those things" her voice sounds almost like a childs. quiet and whispered, almost unsure.
'because i was angry. you made me angry and you upset me' i try to explain to her and she laughs
"i upset you?" she asks
'yes, you upset me, mum' she laughs even louder this time 'whats so funny?' after a minute or so, she stops laughing and looks at me with evil in her eyes
"You made me say those things, missy. Don't you see that? don't you see its your fault i'm like this? The day you were born and it was all down hill from there. I told your father I wanted rid but no he didn't want to get rid so i had to go through all of that for you. I already had Christopher and that was enough, I didn't want you aswell" she looks me up and down and i get a knot in my throat almost as though i'm about to cry. I swollow hard and try to get rid of the feeling but it doesn't go *dont you dare do this to me* "because daddy loved you so much. daddy wanted you to be a daddys little girl and want to spend time with him and love him and so he could forget about me. It was all about you when you came. No one once looked at me and told me how well I did, because you were there and you were a little baby so people thought you were so innocent and beautiful and cute and a bundle of ****ing joy" her voice sounds as though shes disgusted with me. "i didn't have any friends left because of you, you took them all away. They all went away because of you, Laura. I don't even like the name Laura" *stop it. just shut up. oh god please dont cry. dont cry. wait until she's gone, Laura, just wait* "your dad never took another look at me. not unless he wanted something and look where that got me! with those two little sprogs, the spoilt little children. their as bad as you, do you know that Laura?" my stare is focused on the window to the right of me "OI, don't ignore me" I look around to her and I nod "it's all your fault. the reason i'm like this. you did this. you pushed me to this. you ruined my life and i hate you for that, you know that?" I nod again, just to shut her up "i hate you and i want you gone. I want you out of MY house and i want you out of MY life. Gone. your stuff is packed. I did it already. Pick it up within two days or its gone, its in the bin. All that **** I got you even though you didn't deserve it. I don't know why I bothered, you unappreciative little girl" I laugh at her last comment
'are you done?' i say to her and she laughs again
"i'll be done when i say i'm done" The door bell rings and I look at the door "leave it" she says to me and i stand up "i said leave it" I know where she's leading with this, i know what signs to look out for when shes becoming aggressive and this time, she's not going to get the better of me and hurt me, not like last night "sit down" she orders me and i walk out of the room and run to the front door, open it and there stood infront of me is John. My mother comes into the room and stares at John, who's looking her up and down too
"who called him?" she says and I look at him
'no one' i say to her and look at him 'will you wait outside for a bit, i just need to, do something' i say to him and he looks at me, then my mother and then me again. I hug him and sneak my phone into his pocket and whisper in his ear call chris and my dad, wait outside. Then i close the door and walk back into the flat and she pushes me into the kitchen
"I suppose you called him to come over to shag him now that me and your father aren't here, huh? you little.. i dont even know what you are"
'he came around because he cares about me and loves me and wanted to see if i'm okay. i'm not like some people i know' i say and lean on the work top
"what is that supposed to mean?" she looks a little puzzled
'does that matter?' i say and
"here we go again, underminding me, thinking your better than me, your not girly, you know that? your not better than me. Your not better than anyone. Your just a stupid little girl who lives in her own world and likes to feel sorry for herself. Obsessed with yourself, aren't you? Your living a life that shouldn't exsist, you know that? I didn't want you. I didn't want a thing like you, i mean look at you! Just look at you! your disgusting! why on earth he would want to come here and shag you, i'll never know. You dirty little... filth, thats what. Filth. And you say you take after me. I'm a much better person than you will ever be, i'm not a bad person, no matter what you think, i'm better than you. I hate you Laura, do you know that? I hate you right from here" she says as she taps hard on her chest "right from there. you were never meant to be here, then i wouldn't be this way. your fault girl, all your fault" then she goes quiet and walks off *what the hell are you doing now? * I wait where I am and listen as she goes into the bathroom, fiddles around and knocks a few things over and when she doesn't come back, I go in there. I stop for a second before going in there and take a deep breath, by this time i'm trying to hold it together, I have all her words spinning around my head, all those horrible things, all those heartless things, round and round.
I walk into the bathroom and pause for a second
i hate you
then i focus my eyes and see her lying there
your disgusting. your dirty. i hate you.
shes lying there, dead to the world in a puddle of blood
i hate you
then i scream and scream at the top of my lungs
i hate you
"MUMMMMMM" I rush over to her side and shake her a little
i hate you
"come on, wake up, wake up" i shake her more. Chris rushes in with my dad and John behind them
"I dont hate you, I love you. I love you. Your my mum, come on, wake up. I need you"
i hate you Laura, I wanted to get rid of you.
They stand at the door, frozen. John's face as white as a ghost, Dad staring down and Chris crying
"call an ambulance. call an ambulance" I say and I hear Lucy rushing around
"I dont hate you. your not a bad person. I love you. I love you no matter how much you hate me. I love you. Dont do this to me, dont do this. God please". After another five or so minutes John rushes off and doesn't come back and my dad comes to get me so the paramedics come into the bathroom and do their work on her
"i dont hate you" i say again "why dont you love me?" i ask "why mum? why? what did i do?"
'shhhh' my dad says to me, cradling me in his arms. By this point, i'm crying out and screaming without even realising. I'm sobbing so hard my eyes have already gone puffy. I'm shaking.
I hate you.
"but i dont hate you" I whisper as i fall to the ground and watch as they take my mum away. Lucy rushes to my side and holds me while Chris and my dad go off to hospital.
i hate you
"but i dont hate you"
Last edited by x-mixedemotions : 21-07-2007 at 02:48 AM.
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