Thank-you. I have found this thread quite helpful in respect of my own experience of BPD. I often struggle to find the right words to articulate it and you have hit it bang on the head.
Damn, how did i get so many replies to this thread?
Seriously people, i'm slightly taken aback by how much support you're all giving me. I'm very much used to keeping my mouth shut and dealing with situations on my own, and if i do open up other than my very close friends, i often don't recieve much..er..guidance?
Fallen Rain - Thankyou so much for the links. I haven't looked at them yet but i will look at them later this evening.
It wasn't that my GP told me to just..er..shut up and get on with it, it was someone on RYL that were quite arsey about when i got diagnosed last week, which gave the impression i should just..shut up and get on with it.
Although it's taken nearly 2 years to be properly heard. If it wasn't for my GP i wouldn't be here today, i've been seeing him for a year and..i can't thank him enough for being so supportive and constantly phoning the local MH services to get me help.
I really appreciate you taking the time out to look up links though - that really took me aback, as..it's like you took the effort, if..that makes sense, heh. I really do appreciate it, thankyou.
And toaster - heh i'm actually really rubbish with explaining my head/moods/feelings, but..i'm glad i could bring comfort to someone atleast. *hug*
Er.
I just got back from seeing my GP about an hour ago, and..i had a really bad manic episode - as in, i've never really experienced something so intense before.
Hysterical laughter in front of a waiting room full of people is not good. My GP originally thought i was just in a good mood, and laughed along with my jokeyness.
Come the end of the appointment he had a very serious solemn look on his face, and when i came out and waited for my prescription, no one else went into his room, but i know a few people were waiting after me because i heard them book in. I was waiting for 10 minutes for my prescription and no one had gone in when i had left.
Which concerns me, as i'm worried now if he's phoned someone about me :/ Bad Times.
I was telling him briefly of these fool proof plans i have for December (which will not change), asking lots of questions about "how deep is too deep" in regards to cuts. Not good.
I'm cringing at my mood. I feel so embarrassed. I laughed hysterically infront of everyone for god sakes.
It's such a disgusting front! Yes, give the impression i'm bouncing off the walls when on the inside i'm really not happy! LOL! ****ing moron.
Oh well. Fooling people is good. Although sadly i think my GP saw through it.
He's bringing me off my anti-depressants, which means until this CPA meeting is organised i will be med free soon enough. Which means i will have even more of a good excuse to go off the rails! GOOD TIMES!
Not entirely sure i think it's a good idea to not be on any medication or be in any therapy..LMAO.
Got to laugh.
Yep. Yep.
Last edited by Dreaming. : 17-11-2008 at 11:59 AM.
Reason: Removed two lines for emotional blackmail/suicide plans. Take care.
Just wanted to let you know I've read your thread and that I don't think you're a freak in the slightest. You strike me as an incredibly intelligent, well put together individual who has a lot to contribute to this site as well as life in general.
I hope you are still here come December, I really do.
Sorry I didn't have anything useful to say, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.
I don't think you're a freak in the slightest. You strike me as an incredibly intelligent, well put together individual who has a lot to contribute to this site as well as life in general.
I know Laura quite well in the grand scheme of things and this is so true! I've always been envious of her ability to put into words the hardest things that I can't write, and I know she tries to help others on here even at her worst times, which is amazing really that she can be so selfless.
Loves you honey xxxxxxxxxxxx
How could you become as awesome as you are and still feel like a loser?
Thanks for your kind words girls but..hmm..i can't agree, heh, but..thanks for the support.
I got a phonecall today from Denise, the manager of my local MH services, i saw her a few weeks ago as i had a complaint about my Occupational Therapist (that's now sorted).
She wanted to organise a CPA meeting as soon as possible (a care plan approach i believe) with a psychiatrist/my GP etc. My GP doesn't have to be there but he actually asked to be there, and after my manic appointment 2 days ago where i was bouncing off the walls going into graphic detail about SI (which i didn't realise until i'd calmed down/got home) he phoned Denise yesterday apparently "very concerned" about me.
Bad Times.
Anyway. Denise has told me the meeting is for 25th November at 3pm.
I don't want to go. Like, i'm actually considering just cancelling it.
The only reason i wanted to go was so my GP wouldn't feel guilty when i succeeded in my plans in December, i want him to feel like he done the best he could, because he's actually one of the only people who's given a **** about me for the past year.
I'm already stressing immensly over it. I'll have Denise's deputy head Jenny who i've never met there, along with my OP Gemma, my GP and a psychiatrist. So..i will barely know anyone.
The thought of a meeting just for me freaks me the **** out.
I think the only reason it freaks me out is because i'm scared they'll try and trick me into telling my plans. I don't mind admitting if they asked, that i had plans, but for **** will i go into detail. I don't wish to be helped, that's the point, that's why i think it's just a waste me going because there's someone more worthy of it than me.
I'm going ahead with my plans. For **** am i letting them stop me from this. I've worked too hard for them to be dismissed.
I just need to learn how to keep my mouth shut i think, and no..and agree.
Yeh.
Easier said than done?
Hm.
I strangely love this thread.
I deleted the majority of the threads i've made, this is one of the ones i've kept. It means i can just come here and ramble crap and no one will particularly care, so it means if i don't make sense..it's no big deal. *nod*
I had bad dreams last night, nothing new there. I sort of wish i wasn't told about the CPA meeting, because it's giving me more time to stress/worry myself over it.
A whole meeting dedicated to me is just..odd. The thought of being in a room on my own with a bunch of strangers is so daunting it makes me want to vomit.
They keep telling me i can take my parents if i wish to. Haha. Good one. For **** would i do that! I would rather throw myself infront of a moving vehicle than have my mother there!
But then, from reading up about CPA meetings, most people have someone there supporting them. And it made me realise..i have no one. I actually have no one. How sad is that?
I thought this morning when i was still half asleep, "I'll ask James, he'll come with me" - James being my ex boyfriend. James being the person who i haven't spoken to in 7 weeks, who has refused all contact. *Sigh*
I don't know why i said it to myself, possibly out of habit, as he used to come with me to the GP's - not come in with me, but sit and wait outside in the waiting room.
I miss him. I miss having him close. Even if we were just friends i'd be happy with that, but i feel angry at how, after 4 years of friendship and 15 months relationship, he can dismiss me like a piece of trash. I could never do that to someone, i could never just dump them..especially if they were in a vulnerable position.
All those times i called him selfish in an arguement and i felt guilty, well, it was always true wasn't it? Within weeks of us splitting he was already dating someone else. Says alot, doesn't it?
When i started dating him he had no confidence, no self esteem, no nothing. I built his confidence up, phoned and texted him at all hours when he felt **** telling him he CAN do it. He hadn't been in a relationship for many years before he met me. He'd let himself go physically/emotionally, and i sort of..put him back together like a puzzle. Then when he felt strong, he dumped me like a piece of ****, and run off with the nearest woman to show him some attention.
I should be used to feeling used, really.
I'm feeling ignored everywhere i go at the moment, online, i mean. Especially on RYL at the moment. It could just be all in my own mind. Alas, the paranoia kicks in, the anger sets in, and i start to push everyone away.
But then i guess that's a good thing considering i won't be here for much longer. It's easier in the long run if i just..keep a distance really.
I'll come back and ramble later no doubt. My head hurts, and i feel confused hmm.
xxxxx
Sorry there is not much I can say to help (head in not on straight myself today)... just, know I have read and been following this thread. PM me if you need to chat.
*huggles*
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
sorry that i haven't read properly. but the bit where you said most people have people supporting them in their CPAs? i'd really suggest that if you did choose to take someone to support you, that it would be someone who really would support you, and not make things worse. like, you're right, it'd be totally inappropriate to take your mum.
i have my CPA soon and i'm not taking my parents, or anyone, even though actually my parents are pretty supportive. that's because i feel supported by the staff who will be there already.
i know that a lot of people who will be there will be new to you, but your GP, he's pretty damn supportive of you :D don't forget he is on your side and he is there to support you. clearly he feels you need more help than you've been getting, which is definitely true.
No worries about not reading properly whirlpools, it's nothing but rambles on my part anyway hun.
My mother isn't particularly supportive, nor is my father. The most they do is take my to my doctors appointment each week (and i don't always go, sometimes i just have phone consultations) and pick me up from hospital after near fatal OD's. *Shrug*
I made the mistake last November when i had a slight breakdown of taking my mother to a psychiatric appointment, and for half of it she sat there crying about her and her problems!! When i went to hospital after that appointment to talk to someone from the crisis team, they said to me when i was in a room on my own without her "How do you feel about your mother crying like that?" - er, she guilt trips me into the belief her problems are worse off from mine, and takes peoples attention when im trying to get help away from me. That's half the reason i never sorted help sooner! She's manipulative, and i think the psychiatrists believed that as well.
So no, i wouldn't take either of them. I'd rather go on my own, that's if i'm to go.
But i'm pretty sure i won't. I feel selfish for going when i don't want the appointment, it could go onto someone who needs/wants it.
But do you think they would section me if i cancelled it?
My GP knows roughly of my plans (i let it slip when i was having a manic episode during the appointment) but i didn't let him know when (date wise) other than it would be before New Year and i didn't give him plans or whereabouts or anything like that.
I think he passed it onto someone but i don't think they're too concerned.
So if i cancelled it i'd have nothing to worry about would i?
I'd probably only end up blagging my way out of hospital anyway so i can go ahead with my plans.
Lol i make no sense.
I have too much of a conscience to not turn up when they were all sitting there waiting. So i'd have to cancel it, i'd end up getting myself in a state if i didn't.
Just wondering how to get around there suspicions that's all.
This is rather grim unfortunately, but i noticed your "fool proof" plan in relation to cutting (unless i've read wrong); right now there's little by way of support i can think to write just now, yet i felt it's worth saying there's no fool proof plan for suicide. Assuming i understood your post correctly, what you're planning is something my husband did three years ago, as you might guess, severe as the injuries and damage, he's still here. Successful suicide isn't something that can be ascertained by severity of method.
18.11 28.4 6.5 22.31
My heart just needs his smile, that i can't forget, like so melancholy a kiss.
My fool proof plan is..litrali fool proof. It has nothing to do with cutting - my pain threshold is too high to do anything like that.
What i meant by mutilate is..stitching body parts and organs back together. o_0 Not sure if that even makes sense.
Hm.
I'm too ****ing paranoid to even be around anyone, "Are they talking about me?" "Are they laughing about me behind my back?"
Everywhere i go people make me want to rip my eyeballs out, out of pure frustration.
Well **** it. I can only do so much of that before i want to burst.
I keep thinking only "so and so" days left. I'm counting the ****ing days, i even counted the hours this morning. Desperate much? Jesus christ.
I don't want to go to this STUPID CPA meeting. It's a load of BULLSHIT and i won't be made to go. There's someone out there who STILL has fight in them, who deserve the appointment much more than i do.
I gave up the fight the moment i came out of hospital 8? weeks ago. I knew then the final piece of string that was holding me together disintergrated.
I'm fed up of ****ing having to explain myself.
Yes i'm a selfish bitch, i already know that thankyou. Yes i am a selfish bitch for wanting to be with my babies.
I've fought for ****ing years, who are people to ever sit and tell me i'm selfish? People who don't even KNOW me.
The ONE person who i talk to, who has known me since before i had Tamira, UNDERSTANDS. She has openly said she doesn't know how i've hung on for this ****ing long.
Thank GOD someone understands.
Just **** it.
I give up even bothering with people.
I'll keep myself to myself and that be it.
So everyone can go and talk and bitch about me all they like, i've gone past caring, because i know in so many weeks time i won't BE here to care.
Last edited by typsee : 20-11-2008 at 12:03 AM.
Reason: edited - please take care of yourself Laura. xxx
*hugs*
I don't quite know what to say.
CPA's can be helpful, but at the end of the day, no-one can make you go and nothing I say is going to persuade you to go if you are that against it.
I have been in the position so many times when I thought I didn't have the energy to fight anymore, when everything was getting on top of me and I could not cope with the extreme emotional reactions I get with BPD.
But, somehow, against the odds I coped. I would spend hours making suicide plans, resolute that I would go through with it because there was nothing worth holding on for. I convinced myself that it was more selfish of me to keep on struggling and putting my friends and family through hell than for me to die.
I got through it. I don't know how. Well, in a way I do, I found a teeny tiny speck in my life that was worth fighting for and I clung to it with every once of my being. Whenever I was tired and just wanted to give up, I would remember my reason for carrying on, grit my teeth and keep on survivng.
I still have bad days, but they do not last forever, even thought they feel they might when I am at my lowest.
I really hope you are safe, I care about you.
I do not think you are selfish for needing help and support.
*keep the faith*
Ruth
"Has anyone seen my contact lens? It may be stuckto a tree or a rock or something. Oh boy, I am so grounded" Family Guy
if everyone cared and nobody cried, if everyone loved and nobody lied, if everyone shared and swallowed their pride, we'd see the day that nobody died
I love you Laura, sorry I haven't been there for you properly recently, it was hard when I had people over this weekend. It didn't mean I didn't think of you though and hope you were ok. I look forward to talking really soon when you can update me properly and I can beg for forgiveness for being a selfish cow some more.
Big hugs and much much warm love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
How could you become as awesome as you are and still feel like a loser?
Hey Laura...
Just wanted to apologise for not being here. Been meaning to reply to this.
Know that I love you and that I'm always here for you. You certainly aren't a freak. You can get through this. PLease PM me anytime, even just to chat to get your mind off things. Hope your ok!!
