I went to the butcher's yesterday, and bet him fifty dollars that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
************************************************** ***** A man was in an elevator, and the operator kept calling him, 'son'. So the man said, 'why do you keep calling me son? You're not my father!' And the operator replied, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'
Doctor, every time i drink i get an awful pain in my nose
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Try taking the spoon out first sir
If you had a pile of 200 beans and you ate 175, what would you have?
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Indigestion
I like a good book. I read one the other day all about life in a glue factory. I couldnt put it down. Then there was one called knitting for pleasure. It had me in stitches
Waiter - this coffee tastes like mud
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I'm not suprised. Its was ground only a moment or so ago
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.
We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
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Q: Where does a general keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies!
when we were little me my step brother and my step sister were in the back of the car telling jokes and my stepbrother told this but it was funny cos he was so excited he had a joke to tell and very loudly said
Q: Where does a general keep his soldiers?
A: In his sleevies!
If I pretended I was blind
And struck it from my mind
Would it still be there?
What if I'd do anything
To make it seem all right
I finally got Lei'd in Vets....It was an enjoyable experience!
A young guy from Alberta moves to Vancouver and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Alberta.'
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says 'one'.
The boss says 'Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says '$101,237.65'.
The boss says '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'
The kid says, 'First, I sold him a smallfishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'
The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife', and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
'HUSBAND WANTED:- MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME & MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.'
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! '
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?
