Join Date: May 2008
Location: Wales
I am currently:  
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I think she is seeing me today, if not, I have no idea what I'm going to do.
I have written a proper letter, but I don't know her name, which helps. =/
Dear Therapist ( should I just say therapist?),
I am struggling at the moment, as you have probably realised with my recent 'attempts of suicide' or overdoses. There is more I have done.
I worked out yesterday, I have actually come close to suicide over 30 times, in the last 5 months. I wish I could just damn well do it, it annoys me so much that I get scared. I can't tell you how much I hate myself,
my self esteem has completely rotted to the core, and no-one seems to understand me, no matter how hard I try to say something. The words don't come out very well, or I'll start laughing and smiling to hide how much I am hurting inside. I have dark suicidal thoughts every day for the last 4 months. Before it used to be now and then, but it's now every day. two weeks ago, it did elevate to every second. Which is when I was overdosing all of the time. However, I have promised to stay here a little longer for my friends, if I didn't have them, I would probably be dead now, to tell the truth. I cut myself every night, and I try to cut as deep as I possibly can. I usually get too tired by the end of it, and get bored and I sleep. My sleep patterns are all over the place, there are starting to have no sort of regularity at all. One day I will sleep for about 12 hours straight and other days, I will wake up a good few times in the night. I did go through this 'stage' for about 2 weeks, where I would literally cry myself to sleep. I was crying the words " I never cut deep enough, never cut deep enough". I was miserable because I couldn't bring myself to cut very deep. My eating habits vary alot as well, for example yesterday morning I had nutella for breakfast. I usually actually can't be bothered to eat, and wait till my Mum will make something for me, I get extremely lethargic and lazy. Sometimes I can't move, the day after I first overdosed ( I had been to A &E) I lay on the bed, and just wrote in a notepad, about how much I want to die, and how much I want to cut. I only moved to hurt myself. I fantasize suicide so much. I know it would hurt people, but I have got past the point where I don't really care if I hurt people,
the words 'they'll get over it', runs through my mind. I am sure everyone hates me, all I seem to do is mess every little thing up in life. I hate myself inside and out. I can't look in the mirror sometimes because all I want to do is punch myself until I'm black and blue all over. I sometimes get scared to talk to people sometimes, and I have tried mentioning it before, but it is only in certain situations, I just kind of freeze, and run away from whatever social situation it may be. That isn't so bad now, as it was mainly in school, where I was completely terrified of my year, because they all seemed to want to kill my confidence, they have succedded very well indeed. It was mainly verbal bullying, but they have tripped me up a few times, thrown things at me, and the thing that triggered off all of this, was when they took pictures of me on the toilet. My Mum keeps saying, oh it was ages ago. Right, it was seven months ago, but I've been bullied for so long, I really believe people may have some sort of right to treat me this way. I know I am unsafe with myself, I wish I lived on my own, most of the time, so I could be free to get on with the whole suicide thing, or so I could just throw myself into my self harm. I have come close to overdosing, every day since you last saw me. I have controlled myself as I am scared It will be a failed attempt and someone will put me in hospital for my suicidalization. I can't loose that control, it's too frightning for me, to loose my control. I feel so worthless. I mess up everything up. I do everything wrong. Why should I be here?! I have no idea. Whenever I do anything wrong, my immidiate reaction is to kill myself, to save the world from any more possible mistakes I could make. I wish I could just die. I want it so much. I know about three different ways to kill myself in the house, without any additional equipment. But I find it too difficult to actually do. The fear of death haunts me, everyday. I wish it would leave me alone most of the time. Swallowing lots of pills, is so very easy to do for me. I couldn't do it before, the day before I started Overdosing. It doesn't take much at all now, for me to do it. I keep trying to buy more pills, but I never have enough money, and the amount I really want, they won't sell you in the shops. I wouldn't want to come back three times in the day, and them recognising me, and asking what I was going to do with them. I'm terrible at lying, that's why i'm so honest. Sometimes I wish everyone would stop caring about me completely, so I am left to it. However because of my screwed up failed attempts so far, all of my family apart from my grandparents and some other relatives far away, have raised their awareness of my very safety. I have had a few of them cry to me, and that makes me want to stop a little bit. It is never enough to make me want to recover completely, just maybe enough to make me live. I have cried over it, alot of the time. It's all I seem to think about these days. Suicide. I don't really have a future, sixth form, is something to do. I know I will get the GCSEs to go into sixth form, and it will be easy to get in. I did not bother at all with my exams this year, I was too intrested in self destruction/ mutilation. If I don't get in, I will probably not bother with any college or any other work, because I'll be too intrested in self destrcuction, and I'll be too busy with that. I want to get a job so I can buy pills, to kill myself with. I would prefer to just get into sixth form, but it doesn't bother me too much, if I don't get in. I mean, I'm going to die anyway, so why should I keep going on? I would never have the guts or the courage or the bravery to say this aloud to you or Dr.Giyak or a GP or anyone. I have a list as well which includes all of my failed plans or close to attempts or even attempts of suicide, I have realised the only possible way I could really kill myself is through overdosing. I try to kill myself, alot of the time. Just, no-one barely notices. I did it, the night after my second overdose, [ method not included], when I thought I may end up in some sort of hospitalization.
I usually chicken out, but I am working on that slowly. My Parents, are usually angry at me if I give letters in like this. I have no idea why, I thought they'd be happy I'm telling the truth. My Father was quite angry when he found out I wrote a letter to a teacher in school, that included some failed suicide attempts, and one close to attempt as well. I can't bare life anymore, it's too boring and pointless. I will die one day, I hope so. I hope you believe me in this letter as this is my final very desperate attempt of telling someone how much I crave death. I will probably regret giving this letter, or even writing it up later, but I'm overtired at the moment, and decided I am desperate for someone to care. I can barely remember actually how many times I have really come close, I have worked out, it must be over thirty as I have counted all of my failed tries. I am extremely worried you will put me in hospital after you read this, but please I beg you, I don't need it. I am not 'that bad'. I'm not in denial, it's the truth. I realise reading back over this, it seems quite serious, however even though I am not wanting to recover, I will use the professional help, that has been giving to me, I do not want to waste anyone's time. I mean, I know I'm a waste of time or anything anyway, but what I mean, is, I'll try my best not to lie. Writing things down, I find really easy and simple to do, and I find it helps me to speak properly and to sort out my estranged thoughts,
Thank you
Hannah
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Hope it goes well Hannah
