When you're that intoxicated it is the responsibilty of the soberer person to say no as alcohol stops you being able to make informed choices. So forgive yourself and let it go!!!! *hugs* It wasn't your choice in a way as you weren't able to think clearly or coherently.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
I. Feel. Awful. It's been a little over a year since... Everything happened and my life fell to pieces. When a cut needed to be looked at and the Uni health centre learned I cut. Consequently the Uni counselling centre got involved (that very afternoon). A month and a half or so, a handful of therapy sessions, and a doctors appointment or two later and I'm on one AD. A summer, three school terms of therapy, a shitty school year where I attempted (but never failed because I withdrew twice) one class three times and the highest grade I got all year was an A which I think was a gift cause it was his last term here... The rest of the grades were low B's and the whole range of C's... A school year where I barely functioned, habitually missed lectures, called in sick to work WAY too many times... A spring term where I narrowly escaped hospitalisation... Twice...Now I'm still working at the dining hall on campus while I try and find a 'real' job (guess how much looking I've done?). The housing I found because I've got to be out of this apartment by the end of the month... Government housing. Not bad really, it's cheap so I should be able to get caught up on my bills. I am even able to bypass the long waiting list that there usually is... Because evidently the fact that I've got to leave my apartment at the end of the month means I qualify as 'homeless'. This means that I've got to participate in this program, can't quite explain it really. But I had my first meeting today with... My case worker! Because I'm not pathetic enough already. You know the kind of stuff a case worker gets to know? Financial information (any outstanding bills?), health information, physical, mental... Any disabilities, mental health issues... You're involved in therapy? Where's that? How long will you be able to participate in that? Will you need help finding more after that ends? The confidentiality speech they give you is the same as a therapist or doctor for crying out loud! 'Anything we talk about stays confidential as long as ... Or I think you're at risk of hurting yourself or others...' blahblahblah
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Spring term.
A worrisome cut.
A doctors visit.
A 'crisis' counselling session.
Another doctors visit.
A summers worth of therapy.
Zoloft.
More therapy fall term.
Withdraw from a class.
Sporadically attend the other two.
Meds appointments.
Over doses.
Winter term. Therapy.
Academic and financial aid probation.
Withdraw from same class.
Attend other two slightly more often than last term.
Meds appointments.
Paxil.
Zoloft.
Stitches.
More over doses.
Spring term. Therapy
Financial aid probation.
Stitches.
Almost admitted to hospital.
Two additional therapy sessions that week.
Emergency room (same week). This ones more serious (hit a vein) . Stitches. Narrowly escape admittance.
Wellbutrin (in addition to the Zoloft).
So many meds appointments...
Have to graduate.
Continue in all classes, attend sporadically.
Try and find housing.
Job hunting.
Government housing.
Though still in apartment am technically homeless as I must be out by July 7th.
Lots of paper work.
Prescription for my cat(?).
Still more over doses.
Graduate, but just barely.
Summer. More therapy.
More over doses.
Meds appointments.
Work at old job, one last summer.
HopeSource.
Caseworker.
Pathetic.
All those years being in control of my depression. One year of giving up.
I once had plans, dreams, and goals.
I now have one day at a time, and a future that makes me wonder if there really is a point. No goals, no dreams, no plans or desires. No motivation, no will.
It took a long time to hit bottom. But I am there. It's a long way back up. And I am tired.
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
I don't have many words but I wanted to let you know that I read your post and I care. It sounds like you're really struggling, but if you have hit bottom, the only way you can go is up right? I know it might take a while but you will get back up there. You will find happiness. Take care *hugs*
Pasted from Psych Ward... now I'm headed home to drink...
*snuggles all the lovely people in the psych ward before retreating to her corner to huddle in a small ball under her blanket*
Sorry I've been AWOL recently... I've not been very motivated to even get out of the house and since I haven't had to work this week (save for Monday) it's been pretty easy not to leave the apartment (I moved btw, and as soon as I can replace the blackberry I dropped one too many times I'll take some pictures and share them... it's tiny but cute).
Case worker stuff isn't any fun. Get to see him once a week... it's basically like having another therapist... down to the 'how often, how deep, what do you use' cutting questions The guys not much older than me and was in the psychology depertment here at uni at the same time I was (though he finished before I did) and worked at the dining hall as well (where I work)... I don't WANT another person I have to answer to, another person I have to be accountable to, someone else I have to tell how I'm feeling, how my meds are working, how long and how bad has my depression been, all that humiliating stuff
Sorry, rant.
Love you all, really, please take care
Last edited by ~*forever_broken*~ : 06-07-2008 at 10:41 PM.
Reason: cause I'm stu[id and accidentally posted before I was finished
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Case worker: someone who can help you get everything under control and keep it that way. someone who can help you organise stuff when it gets on top of you and someone who can support you. I do case work. That's what we're supposed to do. Sometimes we're (alwas) understaffed and overloaded but please don't take it as a personal insult if your case worker seems like they don't have time for you. it's not you. I promise.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
*makes sure your blanket is tucked comfortably around you, with a bit for a hood if you want to pull it up that way.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Jess... Oh, did I say something negative about case workers specifically? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. Actually I'm more worried that he's got too MUCH time... I'd rather not see him once a week... honestly, I'd rather not see him at all . I don't want another person I have to answer to, someone else to ask about my depression and my cutting and family relations and all that good stuff... there's too many folks doing that as is. I know it's his job (hell I've got my BA in psychology, I recognize everything he's done so far and realize it's value)... Stupid, I know... so many people want help and here I am complaining about it.
Sorry guys...
Oh, Jess, your profile picture's cute btw
Last edited by ~*forever_broken*~ : 07-07-2008 at 10:34 PM.
Reason: forgot to tell Jess her picture in her profile is cute :-)
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
lol and yes, the kitty is adorable, but I was talking about the picture of you in your profile (I forgot your first name and wanted to use it).
One request? Please, stop talking sense lol
It's silly that I don't want to hear it but you know when you just don't want to be reasonable? *shrug* Naw, no worries, maybe one of these days some of that good sense will sink in
Ah, and my kitty thinks he's ruler of the apartment, so I know what you mean. Nothing like someone mewing in your ear at 5:30 in the morning... can hear him with my ear plugs in!
Last edited by ~*forever_broken*~ : 07-07-2008 at 11:07 PM.
Reason: forgot something... again
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Oh the picture of me >.> I don't know what you mean...
Stop talkign sense? Yeah... that's going to happen... not :P If i talk it enough you'll start listening. *nods* *pokes*
*jumps on you and bounces*
My kitten this morning decided that she wanted me to feed her DESPITE her food bowl being full already so she sat on her feed container and yowled... so i threw a pillow at her... and knocked over her water bowl... I swear she was laughing at me... and my lazy ass fiance wouldn't get off his ass to do anything about it!
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Let me introduce you to the 4am "feed me" song and dance! Jumps on the bed, meows at me. Jumps on the nightstand, does it again. Jumps to the wood laminate floor with a couple of thumps. Starts at the beginning. Continues until someone feeds him or shuts him in the laundry room. )
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
ROTFL Mom-Susan Sounds like a character.
____________________________________________
Ugh, I'm losing it, I swear.
Had my appointment with the case worker yesterday afternoon... Went through the same questions as the first appointment. The ones I can remember? The ones that I REALLY didn't want to talk about.
*Any substance use, alcohol, drugs, smoking...
Yeah, I drink a bit.
*Do you think you need help with that?
No
*How often do you drink in a week? (why are we still on this when all I said was I drink 'a bit' and then said 'No, I don't think I need help with it?)
It depends on the week
*How much do you drink when you do drink?
I don't know (lie, usually about two bottles of champagne or wine, though sometimes it's considerably less), I drink like a college student, sometimes you forget how much you drink.
While talking about finances the conversation got to some point where I said 'Yeah, and the cat likes to eat' (he said something about it being nice to have money to pay bills and the like... I think) and he said something like 'How about you, you like to eat too..? To which I said something like 'Sure, it's helpful' which sparked another conversation as to nutrition
*Do you get enough to eat? You think you're getting enough nutritionally?
*shrug* Sure.
*You have enough money to buy food?
Yeah, well I don't eat very much so it's not really a big deal
*What do you mean you 'don't eat much'?
Well it's too early to eat when I get up and then I leave (meaning I'm not at home where my food is... this I did not tell him)
*So you miss breakfast?
Yeah, and lunch a lot of the time
*So you only eat dinner?
Well, yeah, a lot of the time. I get busy and I forget. I don't always have time. My friends sometimes make fun of me when I wonder aloud 'What/when did I eat last?'.
I can't remember what his response to this was but he gave me a funny look.
And family relations ... Actually that part wasn't too bad but I didn't want to talk about it as I have been withdrawing for a while and since my mom found out I cut it's been rather tense, especially recently. So I didn't tell him that either. (Yes Jess, I know I'm in trouble )
And at the end he did the whole 'check in' thing, you know 'And how is this for you?' (this being the appointment) I have found that I am usually asked that question if I appear particularly miserable or out of it... and poor guy, I realized when he asked that I'd kind of managed to space and still answer questions... but they weren't very detailed answers and I know it was obvious, if you looked at my eyes, that I wasn't fully with him Damn, I try not to let folks see that, I don't want to be rude... But I think it's really a bit of dissociation so I'm not sure there's much I can do about it (I tried to shake it off when I noticed it but couldn't which was weird because usually I am able to).
Ah, and mom problems?
Last time I was home she again gave me this 'It makes me sad that my baby is hurting badly enough that she is cutting... You should continue counseling, medication works differently for different people, sometimes it doesn't work, sometimes it makes things worse...' and it just kept going, all gushy and *shudder* ick. Not to mention I'M the one with the degree in psychology, I certainly know more about all of that than she does. And since I have told her repeatedly that I don't want to talk about it and that I don't want her to bring it up... I finally told her that if I can't be sure that she is going to respect my wishes then I am just not going 'home' as often... She said I was threatening her, but it wasn't a threat... I think it is reasonable. If she can't do that then I am not going to put myself in a situation where I may be subjected to something unwanted. Ultimately it would be her fault. And today she told me I was being hostile toward her... uh, no, but she's got to understand too, the more she harasses me about this the more strained our relationship will become... and if it gets bad I will be mad at her because I don't want a bad relationship with her and she will be the one to have pushed it to the point of ruin.
*phew*
Sorry for the long post, if you read this far, thanks so much but it wasn't necessary. I was just writing in the vain hope that it would help...
But it really does feel like I'm losing it
Last edited by ~*forever_broken*~ : 09-07-2008 at 07:13 PM.
Reason: because I suck and screwed it up
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
I think your post was necessary. Is there any way you can get free meals at your job? Even if it is just leftovers?
I don't have any wise advice. But I read your post and am sorry that you are feeling so bad.
*offers to share my mac+cheese lunch with you"
*Gives you a hug*
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
It's been a little over a year since... Everything happened and my life fell to pieces. When a cut needed to be looked at and the Uni health centre learned I cut. Consequently the Uni counselling centre got involved (that very afternoon). A month and a half or so, a handful of therapy sessions, and a doctors appointment or two later and I'm on one AD. A summer, three school terms of therapy, a shitty school year where I attempted (but never failed because I withdrew twice) one class three times and the highest grade I got all year was an A which I think was a gift cause it was his last term here... The rest of the grades were low B's and the whole range of C's... A school year where I barely functioned, habitually missed lectures, called in sick to work WAY too many times... A spring term where I narrowly escaped hospitalisation... Twice...Now I'm still working at the dining hall on campus while I try and find a 'real' job (guess how much looking I've done?). The housing I found because I've got to be out of this apartment by the end of the month... Government housing. Not bad really, it's cheap so I should be able to get caught up on my bills. I am even able to bypass the long waiting list that there usually is... Because evidently the fact that I've got to leave my apartment at the end of the month means I qualify as 'homeless'. This means that I've got to participate in this program, can't quite explain it really. But I had my first meeting today with... My case worker! Because I'm not pathetic enough already. 
The guys not much older than me and was in the psychology depertment here at uni at the same time I was (though he finished before I did) and worked at the dining hall as well (where I work)... 
)
Sounds like a character.
)
Damn, I try not to let folks see that, I don't want to be rude... But I think it's really a bit of dissociation so I'm not sure there's much I can do about it (I tried to shake it off when I noticed it but couldn't which was weird because usually I am able to).