not knowing what's real

[completely_gone]

Katherine,

I have been thinking about your over the past week or so...as your lovely prescence has been missed to due to internet issues I realise. however nonetheless you are still missed.

I know what it's like to be in that horrible pit of hell, when it's hard to differentiate irrationality from reality. I also know what it's like to get stuck in the world of emotionality and therapeuticness, and I am wondering if because you are doing so much complex and deep good work so often in therapy that it has become really easy for you to define yourself and how you are feeling in therapeutic terms; rather than just concluding that today i feel like crap.

I don't by any means think this is a negative thing at all, i think it is actually really easy to fall into the trap of the theraputic world, and forget about mindfullness that you can have a depressed bad day...or you can just have a bad day because you woke up late; or "on the wrong side of the bed". I think when we feel so emotionally unstable for a prolonged period of time that we use the intellect and knowledge side of us that we have learned helps us; it defines what is going on for us; why we are feeling the way we are; it's safe in a sense....but sometimes it's okay not to have the answers or explainations.

my therapist told me last year one day over lunch "let the teachers, whoever they may be in the situation that you are in, be the teachers, and the let yourself be the student".

I think that it is great that you were able to have a realistic chat with your dad - and perhaps he is right, a holiday would be good. I know that your vacation days are left for "bad days and stressful times" but I am wondering if you are limiting yourself in other aspects, in the sense predicting that these are going to happen?

I really hope this doesn't sound like i am condemning you, because by all means I am not, I just have been able to see over the last little while a distinct change in you: neither good or bad: just different.

I am wondering about allowing yourself the permission to feel like you exist, I see so often lately you asking us to see you but I am wondering if you see yourself? What about doing some of that dance stuff that you speak about from time to time, the passion that you have just talking about it, is often evoked through your words and the tone in your writing. As well I recall months ago that you had tea with a mate, and it seemed to really lift your mood and make you feel noticed...are these things that you would want to engage in? I am not telling you what to do, rather putting the idea there that perhaps you could ponder over.

I think connection is key in dealing with relationships - they can be complicated and hard to decipher but sometimes they can be simplistic and straight forward if we don't force ourselves to find something deeper when we need to be in the here and now.

You have been doing some fantastic work with your therapist, over the last little while i know; and you have evidentally learned alot about where you have been, where you are,and where you are going - all valuable lessons.

Keep up the good work, just remember that YOU the person that you are right now is cared for, supported, noticed and missed when gone away. don't close a blind an eye to that my dear, because it's the present truth.

you know where i am. please don't hesitate to contact me.
Stay well and safe; take care of yourself.

talk soon.
ashleigh

[Steel Maiden]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stellata

Thanks SM.

Therapy is going well. I do sometimes get emotional afterwards, but mostly now it's contained in the session, and I'm safe with the feelings.

I probably won't get a holiday for some time, as all my leave days from work are more 'damage limitation' when I'm stressed and need a day or so's quiet space at home. And it's the whole 'exposure' thing.

Today I feel weird. Disconnected from myself, kind of blank and numb, but I don't feel dissociated. Like I'm sedated. But I've been taking my minimum medication the past 2 days, so shouldn't be extra sedated medically. It's like my feelings have gone into hiding, but quietly. Does that make sense?

Filling others needs is a long term pattern of mine. I thought I'd overcome it, but recently it seems that things're kind of wobbly on that front. More work is needed to really define who and where I am. Which is part of what therapy is about, for me.

How I'm feeling today is kind of detached from myself. As if the past week has been a dream and I've woken up into a new reality that I don't quite know yet. If I had DID I would make sense of it in terms of switching, but I don't have full DID. [at least, I've not been fully assessed for it, anyway..] I guess it is understandable in Complex PTSD terms, though. I need to understand this some more...

It might seem strange to some of you, but I do tend to have real difficulties with relationships. Not in a classic 'borderline' sense, but more in a way of not being properly able to read people unless things're explained clearly and I'm reassured. Especially when I'm feeling fragile.

That makes sense to me, I can understand.
I think that DID would make sense, how come you haven't been fully assessed for it? Perhaps you should?
I understand your dificulty in reading people unless things are explained because I have huge problems with social interaction. Emotion is a foreign language to me, except for anger, aggression and numbness.
I think that you need to assess your therapy and whether it is having the full benefit. I think you should print out your posts on this thread and show it to your therapist.
What job do you have?
The sedation that you mention may be emotional tiredness. You must be exhausted by now. I know that after a crisis, I feel dead, like I don't have the energy to do anything or to think anything. Perhaps that's what you're going through?
I have to go now, but I will be back later.
Stay strong, I'll be thinking of you.
SM xxx

[pixie*lyssie]

*hugs* I don't have much useful stuff to say... because I'm not that useful, (lol) but I hope you're gonna feel better soon. You're not losing it. I get those times where I can't tell what's real from what's not! I know just how hard they can be... so, if you want to, you can PM me and we can chat, take care and stay safe hun xx

[Stellata]

Thank you Susan, Ash, SM and Alyssa.

I'll reply tomorrow. I'm all safely sleepy and warm inside from therapy today, so I'm off to sleep now. :)

[Steel Maiden]

Sweet dreams.

Oh wait that post was from yesterday.

Ok.

How was your sleep?

[Stellata]

Uh, and I'll reply tomorrow. Sorries. Brain tired!

It unfortunately took me ages to get to sleep last night. My flatmate had a friend round to practice yoga with, and just them being around kept me awake. I had to take a sleeping tablet in the end, sometime around 11.30pm. I think also my brain was still very active from therapy. At least I didn't have to go into work early today, and I have tomorrow morning off work [I only work Wednesday mornings].

[Stellata]

EEEeee I just learnt to multi-quote. Anyway, here goes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by completely_gone

I know what it's like to be in that horrible pit of hell, when it's hard to differentiate irrationality from reality. I also know what it's like to get stuck in the world of emotionality and therapeuticness, and I am wondering if because you are doing so much complex and deep good work so often in therapy that it has become really easy for you to define yourself and how you are feeling in therapeutic terms; rather than just concluding that today i feel like crap.
...
I think that it is great that you were able to have a realistic chat with your dad - and perhaps he is right, a holiday would be good. I know that your vacation days are left for "bad days and stressful times" but I am wondering if you are limiting yourself in other aspects, in the sense predicting that these are going to happen?

I really hope this doesn't sound like i am condemning you, because by all means I am not, I just have been able to see over the last little while a distinct change in you: neither good or bad: just different.

I am wondering about allowing yourself the permission to feel like you exist, I see so often lately you asking us to see you but I am wondering if you see yourself? What about doing some of that dance stuff that you speak about from time to time, the passion that you have just talking about it, is often evoked through your words and the tone in your writing. As well I recall months ago that you had tea with a mate, and it seemed to really lift your mood and make you feel noticed...are these things that you would want to engage in? I am not telling you what to do, rather putting the idea there that perhaps you could ponder over.

I have 'today I feel like crap' days too! It's just, I am the way I am, and I was this kind of deep intense reflective type person before I went into therapy. I can 'talk theory' very well, but my therapist - and I! - are aware of this tendency in me, as an intellectual defence, and brings me back to the reality of my feelings.

We were talking today in therapy about how my experiences last week might have been radically different if I'd been able to speak with her last week, and help keep in touch with myself and not feel so pulled down or into things that triggered past experiences/feelings.

To feel like I exist... involves more than giving myself permission, it involves relationships and connection. I am still insecure about existing in others eyes and tend to need reassurance, especially when I'm feeling extra sensitive. It's a continuous, ongoing task.

I've been dancing, for myself, off an on. I have started creating what will hopefully be a long, evocative and deep piece of work involving dance, art, everything.

The change in me - I know what you mean. I am actually much stronger recently. It comes through in waves. Coming into balance isn't a neat or tidy process. It involves interaction, confrontation, connection, ... it's complex...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steel Maiden

That makes sense to me, I can understand.
I think that DID would make sense, how come you haven't been fully assessed for it? Perhaps you should?
I understand your dificulty in reading people unless things are explained because I have huge problems with social interaction. Emotion is a foreign language to me, except for anger, aggression and numbness.
I think that you need to assess your therapy and whether it is having the full benefit. I think you should print out your posts on this thread and show it to your therapist.
What job do you have?
The sedation that you mention may be emotional tiredness. You must be exhausted by now. I know that after a crisis, I feel dead, like I don't have the energy to do anything or to think anything. Perhaps that's what you're going through?
I have to go now, but I will be back later.
Stay strong, I'll be thinking of you.
SM xxx

Well, a DID/dissociative disorder assessment would involve referral by the NHS. And my GP, wondrous as she is, just doesn't take on board my PTSD, never mind anything more complex. Although she does understand my many symptoms, and is very helpful.
My therapist is fully acquainted with the full spectrum of myself and my Other, and is guiding me through building internal and external connections. And that's what counts.
Nice as it would be to have a formal medical diagnostic recognition of what I deal with from day to day, it probably won't happen.
I have been tempted to see a private psychiatrist just to get a proper full diagnostic assessment, but a] its expensive b] they might want to pile on the meds and c] who knows what they'd find! Although I can't see anything under the wood work, I mean I know I have a whole bundle of stuff going on with me!!!

Uh, sorry about the essay!

Therapy is going very well. It really helps. Note how much more stable I am this week - and even how I managed to negotiate last week's awfulness safely and with awareness.

My job is a library assistant in a public library and the attached stock office.

Yes, the whole living with PTSD thing is exhausting. But things do go through calmer phases. I survive. I learn. I am learning to live.

I was pretty medically sedated last week, as well as the emotional numbing. But I made it through in tact. I won't say in one piece, because emotionally that's not strictly the case.

[Stellata]

Thoughts anyone?

[Steel Maiden]

I would say keep on going the positive route that you are taking. I can understand why a psych may not help...when I was in hospital I was put on five different medications by the psych and I needed the walls to support me when I was walking, so psych meds are not always beneficial, they're often mis-used and the side-effects can be nasty.
Your therapist sounds good.
What were you medically sedated on?

[Stellata]

My therapist is really good. :) She and I work well together.

The psychitarist I saw for med. assessment made sure I was on miniumum meds, and acknowledged and cooperated with my treatment plan of learning to regulate my feelings with minimum meds possible. He said that another psychiatrist in the area [who I would have been passed to after the initial 4 consultant appointments were up] might not follow that, and approved my readiness for discharge back to my GP for medication and medical follow up once I was stabilised on the meds he prescribed.

Last week I was medically sedated on mirtazapine as usual every evening, and zopiclone every other night. On the night's I didn't take zopiclone, I took herbal nytol. [my GP knows and says it's fine to take that. I only take it rarely].
Normally I only take zopiclone once or twice a week, if that. But last week I needed the help to keep myself as steady as possible, by giving me some respite to get my head together.

This evening I've 'phased out' a couple of times, but I am aware of the vulnerability and sadness beneath that, and am doing my best to hold that gently and firmly.

[Steel Maiden]

It is very good that things are improving.
Sleep is important (says me who avoids it like the plague) so if you need something to help you sleep, don't resist.
Is mirtazapine an antidepressant?
I hope that you can continue doing so well.

[Stellata]

Thanks. :)

Yes, mirtazapine is an anti-depressant.

[Bailey97]

You've just described exactly how I feel.
Thing is how do you stop feeling like that?

[Steel Maiden]

Does the mirtizapaine work for you in other ways as well as helping you sleep?

[Stellata]

How do you stop feeling like that? Well, in my experience, first you become very aware when you're feeling it - observe what's happening in your mind. And you reality check.
I'll write more later....

Yes, mirtzapine does take the edge off my depression and anxiety.

[butterfly hearts]

*huuuuuuuuggggggggggggggsssssssssssssss*

I can relate to what you said at the start of your post....being confused. I don't know weather to trust my thoughts, or feelings, or body, etc etc....
I think you have just got to do your best.
Do your very best - that's all that anyone can ask of anyone :)
xoxo

[Steel Maiden]

I wish I could be with you to help you Stellata. I do care about you even if I'm not very helpful or very good at communicating.

[slacker]

any chance that your therapist can dig out a decent psychiatrist who is able to carry out an assessment? or a clinical psychologist? both can administer the usual thing.. a SCID-D

for some folks, DID and the usual garden variety diagnostics don't really cover it, which is why clinical folks are pushing for DESNOS (disorder of extreme stress not otherwise specified) which covers a lot more of the basis (and helps some clinicians to understand just how far this stuff takes us)

[Stellata]

DESNOS is pretty much the same as Complex PTSD, right?

[butterfly hearts]

confusing!!!!!
:/