Katch, it's not selfish, you can't help how you feel. But there are a lot of people that would miss you if you disappeared! I love reading your posts, you have a wonderful way with words and you are such a lovely person. Please stay safe hun *hugs*
Dear All,
Yesterday was the lowest of the low for me and I want to try and explain.
I couldn’t even type the words in a post and I got so upset and angry with myself – Thank you to those of you that were there with offers to listen – I thought I was going to completely fall apart and I did a bit but it was you that kept me going to see today (especially my new big sis – thank you xxx)
Forgetting everything that really bothers me from the past - This week has been so hard – I know I am still not dealing with my dad dying (8 weeks yesterday) but having my mum so ill this week has been impossible – one minute they thought she was stable and then right up until yesterday afternoon it has been touch and go with complications – the thought of losing her as well was too much to contemplate.
I’ve been feeling so guilty about my resentment to her for not helping me – and told myself it was my fault if she died – that it wouldn’t be this way if I hadn’t posted my past on here – I don’t deserve to have any family because I have told you all what happened when she told me I must never tell anyone. I don’t think I have slept in days – I had 2 really bad panic attacks and also a few asthma attacks – I felt so giddy and stressed in a crowd I thought I was going to pass out and it really scared me – all in all I have been a real mess – but at the hospital (where I have been spending most of my time) the nurses all ask if I am ok and I say yes – and each time I say yes I feel like another part of me has died because I lied to them. But it is my mum that is ill and they need to see to her not waste time on me.
My work called yesterday and said they want me to go back next week – but I wasn’t meant to go back till June 25th - I said about my mum – (they know already about my dad) and they said that they needed me logistically, I asked where and when they told me I completely broke down on the phone – they wanted me to go to the one place where in the past I have been removed from for my safety because of an abusive ex (who is still there) and work alongside this guy who has bullied me (and many others) on a daily basis – they told me that the bully has been spoken too and is being watched so he shouldn’t be a problem. I just couldn’t control myself and was sobbing on the phone – I love my job and would be happy to work anywhere except this one place - she kept saying ‘please don’t get upset’ but I couldn’t help it – it’s all been too much lately – I don’t want to lose my job but I think I’m not ready to go back – my mum will need me when she is allowed back home (as much as I hate being here) and I just knew that if I had to go there it would be the end - I couldn’t cope. She phoned again this afternoon and said she had looked into what happened there before and they wouldn’t be sending me there – she was sorry and hadn’t realised how bad it had been there for me. So now I just have to wait and see. I’m ok with that but yesterday it was just one thing too many.
Mum is fairly stable again today – there are problems with her heart and blood pressure but they seem to have them under control at the moment. As you can see I have found some words – not sure if they really make sense but at least its an effort and a start.
I don’t want to fall apart but I just feel as if I really am on the edge at the moment and one little sway in the wrong direction could do it. I so want to be here for you all and I know you are all struggling with your own things - I’m going to try a bit later but please if I’m not that good and the words aren’t quite right just remember they come with all the love in the world and I really do care. I keep teling myself that one day we will all look back and be able to say – ‘Hey we did it – we got through it all together’.
Loneliness with or without people, a feeling that comes from inside
Unable to show your true feelings, Unaware of the things that you hide
A life built around a pretending, feeling things that you think you should feel
A life unaware of it’s ending – is there a chance it could ever turn real?
My Lovely Daughters: Reason[TO]Believe, Bound by Thoughts, and Kija. My Little Sisters: Automatik Teknicolour and Pomegranate. My Big Sister: Lil-Princess. My Neice: forever_lost*
I think you are being really strong *hugs*. Glad your work is starting to see sense now, you really don't need that crap on top of everything else. You are going through a lot, but I guess that is a damn obvious statement, but what I mean is take it easy on yourself, lean on us even if it is just to rant because we want to help anyway we can and don't berate yourself for the occasional break down. I am glad your mum is a bit better today. Please take care and keep us updated xxx
You are doing so well and being so strong coping with everything thats going on
just remember we are all here and will support you as much as we can
keep going sweetie
Lots of love
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
You are incredibly strong Katch. I'm glad your work changed their minds about sending you to that place, at least that's one less thing for you to worry about. If you need some help from the nurses while you're at the hospital, them taking the time to talk to you won't detract from your mum's care. If you feel you need help, I'm sure they will offer it. Please remember that none of this is your fault. You posted what you did because you needed to get it out, but what's happening now is not because you posted. Please look after yourself x
hey.
im slightly manic today so not really the best mood to reply in but just letting you know i've read it and im sorry all this **** is happening to you. im sure your mum will recover soon :)
glad your work isn't sending you back there cos thats the last thing you need right now!
stay strong hun
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
thank you everyone. I've really missed you all. xxx I will come back on tomorrow when i get back from the hospital. Hugs xx
Loneliness with or without people, a feeling that comes from inside
Unable to show your true feelings, Unaware of the things that you hide
A life built around a pretending, feeling things that you think you should feel
A life unaware of it’s ending – is there a chance it could ever turn real?
My Lovely Daughters: Reason[TO]Believe, Bound by Thoughts, and Kija. My Little Sisters: Automatik Teknicolour and Pomegranate. My Big Sister: Lil-Princess. My Neice: forever_lost*
heya, just wanted to leave hugs and thoughts. I hope it is going better again today. Please let us know when you get back. Remember my PM box is always open if you need it xxx
My mum has been stable last night and today and I think they have her meds sorted out - she's got a bit more colour in her face and her lips aren't blue like they were. So I am feeling a bit better about that. Shes still got a way to go but I feel pretty sure that she will be ok now. I'm home for a bit and then will go back in this evening for late visiting and then be on line tonight - hope to see you all then.
Loneliness with or without people, a feeling that comes from inside
Unable to show your true feelings, Unaware of the things that you hide
A life built around a pretending, feeling things that you think you should feel
A life unaware of it’s ending – is there a chance it could ever turn real?
My Lovely Daughters: Reason[TO]Believe, Bound by Thoughts, and Kija. My Little Sisters: Automatik Teknicolour and Pomegranate. My Big Sister: Lil-Princess. My Neice: forever_lost*
