Oh honey i'm sorry things are bad right now *cuddles you tight* pm me any time you want okay? You CAN get through this rach, you're so much stronger than you think. I KNOW you can do this!
Jess
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
ive been taking sleeping tablets all day just to keep myself unconscious. not to worry, im ok. and please dont tell me i shouldnt do this because i ALREADY KNOW.
i didnt realize i was this weak. i guess it takes tests like these to realize who you really are. and im a weak, scared, little pathetic girl.
i took Kelly her contact solution earlier but i had to put her stuff on the FLOOR of the elevator and send it up!!!!!
THAT pissed me off.
i knew that i couldnt see her but for christs sake....putting her stuff on the nasty elevator floor!!! can they become anymore degrading????
she's coming home friday and thank God for it.
but its only tuesday and i think by then i may have lost my mind.
im really really not doing well.
i have an appt. on thursady about my breast reduction. i wont be going. its an hour and a half drive. and i just cant do it by myself. plus it supposed to be storming and i just CANT do it.
then on friday i have my meds doc appt. but wont be going there because im picking Kelly up.
this has been the worst ****ing week ive had in a VERY long time.
God...how i want to run that ****ing blade deep into my skin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i really need someone to tell me to leave the god damn blades alone because im sitting about 4 feet away from the dish drainer. and it has a very nice, sharp, shiny, *thing* in it. and it is SCREAMING at me!!!!!!!!!!!!
i wanted soooooooooooooooooo bad to have clear arms for this summer!!!! and im doing it so far. but this is so much. its taking control. and ive had control for so long!!!!! i cant let it have me again.
if i do one cut....i'll do many more...and they will only get deeper and deeper until i need stitches. since i passed that threshold of deep to DEEP...i always need stitches now or im not satisfied. its like ive wasted my time if i dont cut to my satisfaction. if i do...i'll have to drive myself to hospital. and God help...they are liable to put me right up there with Kelly. hmmm.................NO NO NONNO NO NO NO NMO...see where my head goes???????
i just need to take shower and calm down. i havent eaten a bite in 2 days. and i couldnt eat right now if i wanted to. im living off dr pepper and cigarettes.
*hugs you* I hope you are feeling a little better after your shower. You have been through so much and you are coping so well considering all of that. I wish you realised how strong you really are and how much people, at least in this community, look up to and respect you. You don't need to cut to 'fix' anything, because you already know it won't help. I know how tempting it can be, especially when it seems like everything around us is calling us to it, but you are BETTER than that. You don't need it to cope. You need love and support. Let us give you a bit of that whilst Kelly is in hospital.
thank you so much.
i DO need you guys support and it means soooo much to me.
i havent managed to have a shower yet. ive just been on the phone with Kelly. then i had to call her mom and let her know whats going on. then i talked to her daughter and told her that she is welcome to come over anytime and to bring Kaleb.
they are coming over tomorrow to spend some time. that makes me feel a bit better.
when i talk to Kelly i try my best to stay strong but always end up crying. Kelly is doing really well. she was a heavy smoker and she hasnt had ONE cig since shes been there. they gave her a patch and some gum. im so very proud of her. she sounds well on the phone. and she is going to to do an intensive OP therapy for 2 weeks once she gets out. its from 9am-2pm mon through fri. i think it will be so good for her.
i love her so very much. this is my first female relationship. ive always known i was a lesbian...i just didnt know how to go about meeting women. i am SOOOOOOOOOO blessed to have found my Kelly.
bless her....everytime we talk....she is worried about ME!!!! i keep telling her to focus on herself because this is about her!!!!
God how i miss her......
im NOT going to harm myself.
thank you lifeisabitch...sorry i dont know your name.
loves.
xxxxx
Hi Rachel,
I don't see any problem with living off Dr.Pepper. I drink an incredible amount of Pepsi One and Diet Rite. The recommended diet from people who are getting over tummy flu or food poisoning is the BRAT diet, bananas, rice, applesauce and toast. You might see if you could eat any of those.
Contact lens stuff on the floor of an elevator? Major ick! Couldn't there have even been a basket or tray? Yeuch!
Since there will be storms, have you rescheduled your appointments about the meds and about the breast reduction? I understand about driving in the storms, I'll spare you the story. So you don't feel bad about missing the appointments, can't you reschedule them? Might one of your inlaws go with you to the one for breast reduction since it is so far away?
It is okay if you miss Kelly.
It is not okay if you SI. If you haven't yet, take that tool off the drainboard and put it away.
Take care of yourself. Be good to yourself. Forgive yourself for your strong emotions.
I'll check in on you later. If I don't see another post from you does this mean you're okay or does it mean you've reached toxic levels of DrPepper and are burp singing "Dixie" to entertain yourself?
*gives you a big cherishing bear hug*
Love, Susan
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
she got angry with me because they have taken he off of her pain meds. we take the same pain meds. she asked me if i was going to continue mine. i hesitated...then said yes.
she got angry and i started crying and told her i had to go and would talk to her later. i tried calling back and they told me that she had gone to bed and that calling hours were over anyhow.
i want to die.
im alone all night and i want to die.
this isnt a threat....but if you dont see me around...you'll know why.
You're not alone. We're here.
Perhaps at the hospital they think that Kelly is well enough healed from the spider bite and infection that she doesn't need the pain meds. Maybe they think that the side effects of the pain meds are adversely affecting her.
I don't think this is about you as a couple. It needs to be about you as individuals and about your individual physical and medical needs. I'm not speaking against marriage. Just sometimes within the relationship, the spouses do different things. My husband and I both take meds for blood pressure, but he takes four times as much as I do.
You don't need to die. It is okay to hurt. It is okay to be lonely. As awful as they feel, they are survivable.
I'll be looking for you and checking up on you.
*gives you a hug*
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
i think im really bad for Kelly. she has enough to deal with without me. i know my flashbacks were stressing her to the max. she said so. ive had 5 today. and have had alot of pain meds. im so tired of fighting this. the flashbacks alone leave me debilitated. i need to be on a deserted island somewhere so i cant hurt anyone anymore. its never been my intention to hurt those around me...it just happens.
i cant kill myself. i cant do that to the ones i love.
but you know that voice that sometimes tells you "they'd be better off without you"? well its speaking to me REALLY loud right now.
how do i keep myself from causing her pain???
i cant control the flashbacks. despite all the grounding techniques.....they get me.
i cant keep doing this to her.....even if its out of my control. it isnt fair to her. but i cant leave her and the kids either. i dont see a solution. i have no answers.
"how do i keep myself from causing her pain???" - by telling her how you are. tell her when you are having troubles, tell her when you are happy, and what makes you happy, tell her what makes you sad, and why. she will want to know. my boyfriend (of 3.5 yrs) is constantly saying he wants to know when I feel down and when i SI. Sometimes i dont tell him,but ive been telling him more and more recently, becuse i know that he wants to know. it hurts them more not to know.
"its never been my intention to hurt those around me...it just happens" - it happens because you love them! and they love you! otherwise they wouldn't care so much. whenever i used to move to a new place i used to tell myself i would not make friends cos it would hurt too much to leave them. but it never worked. this is the beauty and the pain of human emotion and the ability to love. it is wonderful and capable of so much joy and so much suffering as well. but it's......it's so important as well. think about what you said, - "i cant kill myself. i cant do that to the ones i love" - this is basically my only reason for living, but it's keeping me here, cos it's the oly thing that really matters.
hope this wasn't too much of a ramble. take care xx
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
Hi dear, you CAN do this. Could you maybe ask kelli's mum to go with you to your appt on thursday? And could you pick kelli up a little later and go to your meds appt. YOu NEED that. YOU NEED IT SO MUCH. And if you asked her if she'd mind waiting... and why. What do you think she would say? Honey, just keep talking yourself through this. Keep coming here. YOU CAN DO THIS! I Have faith in you. Lots of faith. Just keep yoru goal in your mind. Clear arms for summer! You can do this. I KNOW YOU CAN!
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Your relationship with Kelly will be okay. You're just going through a rough patch right now.
How are you this morning? Do you need a run to the grocery store to get more Dr.Pepper?
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
i had a long dissociation last night. i felt it coming and i couldnt stop it. i just know i woke up this morning but dont know what time i went to bed.
so far today i have, in fact, gone and gotten more dr pepper. and i rescheduled my med appt. for monday which is only 2 more days from my original one.
ive also rescheduled the surgeon appt. for the 21st.
i still dont feel quite myself. im usually ok in the morning but as night gets closer....."IT" sets in. i dont know what to call "IT".
i AM feeling a bit stronger today....but the flashbacks keep coming. 3 so far today.
i can manage them by myself....but its scary when i "come to" and no one is here.
ive always depended on Kelly to be here to cuddle me. i sound so ****ing selfish.
i wish i could talk to Kelly but they keep them busy in groups all day and dont tur the phones till 5pm. then sometimes they have an evening group and tun the phones back off.
as far as the pain meds go....im taking lots of them. i cant function(walking, standing, going to the bathroom etc) without them. and they are narcotic and very high dosage. Kelly took the same med but they have taken her off it because its a narcotic. she cant even have her valium there!!!
she says she's a nervous wreck and shes been taking valium for years. i dont understand why they would take her off them especially right now.
im going to run out of my pain meds very early this month. and going through the withdrawals is hell. i dont know if im mentally addicted to them but i know i physically am. anyone would be after taking such a high dose.
withdrawals arent life threatening...just really uncomfortable...and relying on OTC meds such as ibuprofen is like a joke.
i guess the heating pad and ice will have to suffice. i feel like crying because i dont want to go through anymore pain today or any other day for that matter.
im scared to run out of meds but im going to damnit. i take more than im supposed to because the pain is soo soo extreme. i dont know how i survived it as a child. my therapist said dissociation saved my life. but now its coming back to bite me in the ass.
sorry to keep posting. im just really lonely. i want to sleep but cant.
hey hun, sorry i havent been here.
you see families from a different angle than Kelly does. You have a family that seemingly don't care, are never about for you and in fact seem intent on backstabbing you. Then there's Keith, the one who you would die for, the one who you in fact live for, the only one who cares... the only one you can't have.
You are doing the right thing by having someone else look after Kelly's kids. You know you can't be properly responsible. You are doing an unselfish thing, you are protecting them.
Kelly will likely change moods quite a bit with meds coming and going and i imagine she is in quite a bit of pain too. Keep trying with her. Be patient and don't take anything hurtful to heart.
Try and keep focused, maybe stop re-arranging appointments and go to some. It will give you something to aim for, it will break up the time alone into more manageable periods. Get on with living. Show Kelly that you can survive without her while she recuperates. Be strong. I know it's hard. Love you rachie, mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
Is it too early to get another prescription for the pain meds or to get the prescription refilled? Is the pain med for the flashbacks and dissociation? If you can't function without them, talk to the doctor. Is there one that might be more effective?
If ibuprofin doesn't do it and heating pads and ice packs aren't enough, it is okay to keep asking for help. It is easier to function and easier to heal if you don't have to fight the pain too. If you are fighting the pain then you don't have the resources to function and heal.
Sorry I don't have any solutions for the sleep. I'm checking your thread a couple of times a day to see if you have any news about Kelly or about you.
*gives you a hug*
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
ive just spoken to Kelly. her daughter and i are going there tomorrow to have a group meeting with her counselor. im nervous but i know its a good thing.
she's really really moody right now which i expected she would with all the med changes.
ALL she is taking ight now is an AD. she was taking AD's, pain meds, and valium when she went in...and theyve cut he off of all except the AD.
PLUS..she smokes...and she hasnt had a cig, shes been chewing gum and wearing a patch which has made her really grumpy.
she MAY get to come home tomorrow but shes not sure. if not...then definitely friday.
i would love to take my ambien and go straight to bed now but guess what??? there are more storms coming!!!!!
i may say to hell with it and knock myself out anyway. idk.
im ready for tomorrow to be here.
Is it tornadoes that are coming? If not, go sleep.
Love, Susan
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
good luck for the group meeting. hope it is constructive. my counsellor today said i have to start doing art again to release my emotions - would art therapy or something else be any help?
what are your pain meds for hun? cos it sounds like OTC meds are useless (i agree with this), can you get any codeine?
hope you can get some sleep tonight.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
