Triggering (SI) - Numb

[chocostashchick]

how is the house hunting going? you can totally start decorating it in your head before you find a place. actually, you SHOULD decorate it in your head beforehand because it is always good to be prepared and that could save time! decorate a bunch of places, different styles, so that no matter where you end up you have a plan! that is also something you can do to distract yourself, and it can be therapeutic and fun!
i am sorry about your job stress. do not give in though! if they didnt want you, as soon as something happened they would have cut you lose, and they haven't, so they must like you and think you are a good worker and want to keep you. keep working hard and fighting and you will be fine. there are always some things in life that we hate, but everything is balanced and there are also soem things that we like. think about the things you like. you seem to like your job, right? and you like decorating and you like looking for and having your own place? what about hobbies? keep working, keep house hunting, and keep fighting for yourself. i forget, or maybe you haven't said, but do you have a doc? this would be a good thing to talk about with them. is your work a big place? some jobs have onsite counsellors and things.
Squiggles hun i send you luck and i hope you keep posting sweetie
xxxooo callie

[squiggles]

Thanks Choc,
the company I work for is big but the office I work in is really small and there are no on site cousellors etc.
House hunting is going ok, I've found 2 I like, taking Mum with me for second viewings. I have been decorating them in my head, I've even been knocking down walls so that rooms are bigger, it's good fun. I guess it's distracting but when you feel so unsure and unsafe it's hard work.
I'm a little better this morning, I;m just hoping work doesn't get too stressful today and wind me up again as I don't think I will cope with it today, still recovering from yesterday.
Squiggles

[hoping_one day]

Hi there Squiggles!

Sorry for the late introduction, I haven't been able to get on RYL for a while and have just returned, I'm sorry I didn't see your post sooner.
I hope you are ok. I understand completely how you feel. I'm 25 and have recently moved back home and it's such a strange situation.
It's also very hard and (hopes this will give you a giggle!) the first thing I did when I got back was paint the walls in my room bright as I could and hang pictures on the wall. I most definitely share you opinions on that. I frequently plan how I'm going to decorate my own place when I can afford it. I even go as far as having chickens in the back yard!!!!
I think having a dream about your future is a brilliantly positive thing. Hope is something to hang onto with both hands and the ambition to make those dreams reality, that's what life is all about really isn't it!

I also know what you mean about work making you feel triggered. I love, well, loved, my job dearly. It meant everything to me, but for one reason and another, it was also one of the most painful things in my life. It's one of those catch 22 situations I think!!
I do know how hard it is though, and am always around if you want to discuss anything. It's tough feeling on your own, but with this great network of people around, trust me, you never will be.

Anyway, sorry, look at me rambling on!! Just wanted to say hi and welcome and am ALWAYS here to listen and my shoulders are of the broad variety - you can shout, scream, cry, vent, talk, ask for a hug - I'll listen to anything you have to say and I'll always try to help.
PM me anytime.

Lou

[chocostashchick]

hey how is the house hunting going? how are you getting on lately?
xxxooo

[squiggles]

House hunting is going well. I have found one I really like. I'm waiting for my Dad to come over from the US. I need his help with the finances so taht I can afford the one I like. I also want him to take a look and let me know if he likes it too.
Fingers crossed no one else buys it in the next 2 weeks.
Liz

[squiggles]

I am failing. I am a total failure at work, I can't seem to improve my work and I'm going to be dsiciplined before long. How the *** is that going to help me? I want to do well and by disciplinging me all they will do is increas my stress and make me feel 10 times worse.
I am sooo going to cut, I don't even know if I can wait until I get home tonight. I hate this, why do I bother. I might as well curl up and die.
Sorry, needed to rant. I hope I stay safe but I can tell you I will make no promises today.
I wish I could do better.
Liz

Ok, so I am definitely going to have a disciplinary meeting for poor performance. Great, that makes me feel soo fantastic (apologies for the sarcasm).
I am trying so hard and it just isn't making any difference. I love my job, I so want to keep it and it's what I want to do for a career. Why can't I get this right for once, one thing I thought I could succed at and I'm proving to be a total failure.
Oh well, yet another thing in my life that will have to change. I want some security in life, I'm fed up of everything changing around me and being totally out of control.
*Cur;s up incorner* I'm gonna stay here and hide from everything, perhps it wil; be better in the morning, although I doubt it.

[chocostashchick]

Liz honey you are not a failure
just because things you tried to do failed and you had some bad luck doesnt make you a failure or a bad person
it just makes you temporarily unlucky
and i mean temporarily because things always change and karma is there so when you have bad luck think of it as earning good luck
okay so really the whole believing in fate and karma and luck thing might be a delusion but sometimes it is the only thing that keeps me from breaking down so i say karma is real! (think about it though there are eerie coincidences all the time right?)

yes stay here and hide and relax in the Virtual Psych Ward Denial Tent! it's super stretchy so everybody is welcome and it also stretches internationally to any continent or island or mode of transportation and you can be safe there and hide and live in denial as long as you want
and it has magical mosquito netting that keeps out all the triggery badness so you are always safe

also remember the good things too! house hunting is going well right? you have that good palce your dad is going to look at?
and trying hard does matter - at work places they call it morale and it is a huge deal to them, employee morale, so they do notice. also one disciplinary meeting is no big deal. sometimes criticism things like that can actually be an advantage if you have a good attitude and listen to them and then make the appropriate changes because it shows them that you can respond to constructive criticism as well as praise and that you display growth and learning while in the workplace!

Liz my fingers and toes are crossed for you and remember to try and not catastrophise, it isnt the end of your career it's a little speed bump and you are smart and motivated so you will rise above

let us know how it goes?

*hugs you tight and lifts up flap for you to come into the Denial Tent if you want*

xxxooo callie

[squiggles]

Thanks Callie,
I know you're right. It is only 1 small disciplinary and I expect it will be a verbal warning for 3 months and that will soon fly by. I wish they would hurry up and confirm the date for the disciplinary so I can move on and stop stressing about it.
I'm still feeling fragile. I really need to sort the mess in my head out but I can't see that happening any time soon. Working full time gives no room for counselling and my employer would get sus if I needed lots of time off. I don't have anything on record so far I've managed to keep it off my medical records and I want it to stay that way. Maybe not the best idea but I'm trying hard to keep it that way.
I know, well I think I know what the problems are but I have no clue of how to resolve them. Oh well. I'll stay here for now. *Curls up in denial tent* and goes to sleep.
Thanks
Hugs to all who have helped me. You're great friends.
Liz

[squiggles]

Hi All,
Thought I would update you. I now have a date for my disciplinary. Next Tuesday.
I'm in London for the weekend, hopefully going to the London meet if it actually happens. I hope my trip is worthwhile.
I'm plodding on one day at a time. I have no purpose in life at the moment, infact I don't know why I bother.
My mind is full of SI and sadly ODing comes to mind more frequenly at the moment. Mum would go spare if she saw the pills in my top draw. I dunno, I'll survive, thank goodness for this site and all my friends here.
Liz

[chocostashchick]

eeeeeks, Liz, that's in like 3 days!
*wishes you tons of luck*
well the good thing is that it is really soon so you wont have to wait forever and get all anxious with all the waiting
ooooh i hope you make it to the London Meet!! we had a meet near me a while ago but i wasnt up to going but there is one coming up soon that i hope i can go to
let us know how it is if you make it!
how are you liking our Denial Tent??? it's lovely. be sure to check out the campfire out front, i make smores a lot for all the poor British people who apparently don't have them on that continent.
maybe you can move the pills somewhere more public so that you feel safer? you know you dont really need them but i understand the comfort in the attachment
xxxooo

[Yellow]

hi Liz,

im sorry i havent been supporting you. really sorry.
but i have been keeping up with your thread and i think you are amazingly strong.
you face these stresses head on even though its really hard.
im really happy for you and your house hunting. it sounds like alot of fun.
just really wanted to send my love.
loves.
xxxxx

[squiggles]

Hi All,
Well I went to London and no one turned up! Can you believe it, I even stood in at the last minute as sponsor and not one person came. I was gutted. I had made all that effort.
Anyway, I spend the day in London as a tourist instead. I went to see Trafalgar Square, Leicester Square and Covent Garden. It was ok, although it would have been good to meet some people. Maybe I'll find another meet to go to sometime in the future.
Anyway, how am I doing. Same as before I guess, plodding on. Yes, I should put the pills somewhere more public but I really don;t think that wold make a huge difference. I seem to have enough will power to leave them where they are at the moment. Unfortunately not so for SIing.
I have an intro session at a counsellors on the 9th May, I trying to make progress you see. Unfortunately I then won't get a regular appointment for sometime as I want to do evening sessions which are really hard to get but I guess it's first step.
Take Care all
*Hugs*
Liz

[chocostashchick]

yeah i think i need to switch to evening sessions but i dont see that being easy either :(
so sorry nobody showed up, Liz! i love london it's lovely
the last time i was there i fell down the stairs though at trafalgar square when i was leaving the national gallery
it was really embarassing and i got this huge bruise on my leg
i am so proud of you for staying safe with the pills
maybe they are just a comfort thing, knowing the possibility is there, and you dont really need them? maybe in a bit you can throw them out, like eventually maybe?
way to go making that appt for may 9th!!! that's super and so brave
and if you make the appts far enough in advance i think you should be able to get evenings you just might have to wait for a while
maybe you could have a few early morning or midday ones in the meantime?
*sends you courage for the appt*
xxxooo

[squiggles]

Tahnks, it's just a first meeting to decide if I like the counsellor and if they think it will help me.
I can't do early morning or midday ones, the counsellors are about half hour away from work and I only get half hour for lunch so that won;t work.
I might have to wait like 6 months before I can get an evening appointment. I'm sure it'll be worth it in the end.
Yeah, I think the pills are a comfort thing, they have been there for nearly a month. I think about it loads but never do anything, there is always a practical reason why I shouldn't. Like Mum would find out, I have to go to work the next day, not really any reason about me but about everything else in life that I guess keeps me going.
Anyway, I should go. Am supposed to be working.
Liz

[squiggles]

Hi All,
Well it's a while since I last updated this thread. I got a verbal warning at work, as I had expected. Hopefully I will get some more support at work to try and sort things out so they improve. I don;t think they really want to lose me, I just don;t know how I can improve.
I decided to write today as I am in two minds, I should be really happy. Dad is home from the US and I miss him so much when he is away. I should be jumping for joy and celebrating.
I'm not, I feel low and fed up. Mum is being ok about it, she acts like it's no problem and he can come over anytime, but then when she's drunk she slags him off and tell me how bad he was to her. Like I still love him, he's my Dad.
I'm 27 and I thought I could deal with all of this but I just feel like piggy in the middle. I want to cut, I hate this feeling. It's not my fault things happened but I still feel crap and I want to cut to relieve this.
Sorry, needed to rant.
Liz

[chocostashchick]

ew a verbal warning that's sorta sucky
but they must value you a lot and like you a lot if you can tell they don't want to lose you
so i think they will probably support you and help you out
and they must believe you can do the work because after all you are still their employee and they are still keeping you on so that's good!
yay that your dad is home
i'm sorry your mom gets drunk and complains about him though that's really not healthy or appropriate to do around you
when she is like that maybe you could stay away so you don't have to hear it? you might also try that because maybe if you ignore her when she is drunk it will make her realise on some level that people don't want to be around her when she is like that
please dont cut because it really wont help
it wont make the crap feelings go away
all it will do is leave you with a cut and then a scar that you have to hide and you also might be left feeling even worse because you could be disappointed in yourself
*hugs you* Liz honey the crap feelings will go away, whether you cut or not, so keep that in mind
xxxooo

[squiggles]

Thanks for the support. It's really difficult to get away from Mum when she like that. I live with her, I came home last night to find her in a bit of a state which was pretty crap.
Sadly I did cut last night, although not too bad.
I have to confess I never worry about having to hide it, I don;t cut anywhere that obvious, although I won;t be wearing shorts for a while. I guess if I did I would think about it more and be less likely to cut.
Anyway, I'm at work for now and I'm going to see Dad again tonight. He's dedicating the whole day to me tomorrow We're going to sort out finances to determine how much I can afford when buying a house, then we're going to see the one I really like. Hopefully from there we can make more progres and maybe then I will be able to ahve my own place. A place I can call home. *Sigh*
Take Care all.
Liz

[chocostashchick]

hey Liz,
how did the day go with your dad? what did he think of the house you really like? i hope you find somewhere nice and affordable soon and get to have a place of your own. i hope your mum is doing better. it doesnt sound like she is very happy, or that you are very happy living there right now, so it seems that the two of you living together like that isnt the best situation for either of you and i am sorry for that. i hope you are doing okay and i am sorry that you wont be able to wear shorts, although i dont actually like shorts very much either (do they actually look good on anybody over the age of 7?), but maybe you can get by in the summer with shorts?

[squiggles]

Hiya,
Living with Mum is ok most of the time, it's just when Dad's back it's difficult. I can't have him over here and he's staying with my sister so I don;t really get any time just him and me so we can talk. Hopefully I will get some time with him next weekend when my sister is at work. I really want to tell him how much I miss him when he's away and how difficult I find the whole situation.
The house hunting is ot going as well as I had hoped. Dad does like the flat I've seen but he doesn't agree with the price, I think this is mostly because he can't give me enough to be able to afford it so what's the point in looking at it.
He's seen another 2 places he wants me to view. 1 is ok, although I'm not sure why I had rejected it originally, I'm sure I must have had a reason. The other makes more sense but is really not in the location I want to live, it's a housing estate where I would become anonymouse and insignificant rather than in a town where I can get involved with the social life etc. Anyway, hopefully we'll be seeing one or both at the weekend, wish me luck, I hope I like one of them. Otherwise I can see me being stuck with Mm for a few more months.
I really hate this at the moment, why can't I just have a simple life, I have no problem with my parents being apart but why does Dad have to make it so complicated, I feel like I have to neglect Mum and spend all my time with Dad because he's here for such a short period of time, then Mum gets annoyed with me. Like tonight she's said "You going to bed, I was hoping to spend some time with you". Yeah, I need me sleep.
Sorry, this has turned out to be a bit of a rant. Anyway, at least things at work seem to have improved, for the time being.
Liz

[chocostashchick]

that's too bad that the house hunting isn't going as well as you had hoped. price is a big deal so i can see your dad's point. those two places that he was interested in seem promising at least. i think that the environment in housing estates varies from place to place so maybe if you looked around and met some of the neighbors you could see if maybe you could envision yourself there? you can ask about the average age and stuff. i think that you should talk to your dad and tell him how hard this is on you. maybe if he knew, you two could keep in touch a little better or something? my parents are divorced, too, and i have often felt like that - that spending time with the one causes neglecting the other and that i can never find a good balance. i wish i had a suggestion but when one parent is away a lot, it really is hard because the short time that they are around you kind of have to spend less time with your mom. you shouldnt feel guilty though because it isnt on purpose and the point isnt to ignore your mom, it's to see your dad, and it is just an unfortunate side effect. you could try talking to her about it and maybe now, like in advance so it is there to look forward to, you could make plans with your mom to do something together when your dad has left and it is just the two of you?