Numbness and Dissociation Updated

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks I just feel low I don't want to be in this fat body. I'm so pathetic I'm on my own tomorrow and I have urges and I'm afraid . This disclosure is tearing me up.

[Uglyducklin]

I'm scared I feel utterly dehumanised today. I need to work but the memories are massively intrusive and my skin is crawling. I don't know what to do. Nothing feels quite real . How do I escape this fat body?

[Uglyducklin]

I am fat. Need to destroy this body. The memories are too much. How do I make it stop.

[Arienette]

Do you know any grounding techniques. 54321 is a good one. Xx

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks Arienette I keep losing count so I'm squeezing the life out of my play doh ! I saw my GP and she couldn't suggest anything. I feel hopeless and so lost. I don't know what to do anymore? I've tried being a case study for a really great trauma therapist but I'm so de-stabilised she doesn't know what to do. I'm trying to have a life but I get so overwhelmed I use a load of unhealthy coping mechanisms. I just need to disappear. Thank you for your support I truly don't deserve it .

[Arienette]

You definitely deserve our support.

Play doh sounds like a really good option.

Have you tried mindful colouring? That can be great for calming.

Or drawing out your feelings in any medium available to you. I used to find this very therapeutic when I would dissociate. It was dark art but it got it out healthily. X

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks Arienette I'm not artistic at all writing both helps and overwhelms so when I feel really low I 'm afraid of the intensity of the feelings and it makes things worse. I have messed up I'm drowning in the fat I need it gone. I need to make myself safe . Sorry I'm waffling.

[Uglyducklin]

Hi guys I'm sorry to post but I'm feeling a bit desperate . Everything has totally spiralled but because I'm too fat I'm reluctant and unable to access support for eating but does anywhere offer short term stabilisation of eating disorder and PTSD symptoms ? Just feel so done I narrowly avoided buying medication to overdose. Sorry I'm a selfish mess thanks for reading .

[Uglyducklin]

I just feel so hopeless and destructive and trapped. The mages are relentless. My body feels possessed I need to work but I'm distracted by the images and even forcing coffee down makes it seem real. I need to escape this body. Everything is loud . I can't cope. I'm fat and pathetic but my cope is gone .

[Uglyducklin]

So destructive. Fat violated **** up. I need to make it stop. Do something to rectify it if I take the diuretics it's not damaging and will make it stop. I should stop reaching out and wasting time when others need help.

[Uglyducklin]

I don't know where the hope has gone. I want to disappear my team don't know what to do. I have urges but can't act on them as my mum is under so much pressure. I feel so fat and violated. The flashbacks won't stop. My head is a horror show. I need to concentrate but can't. I need respite but don't know how to get it or if I deserve it ? I fail at grounding and everything .xx

[Uglyducklin]

I saw my trauma therapist she was lovely even when I lost my words. She does not know what to do. I need the weight to fall away. It is not containable any longer. I am a live wire in my head. This has the power to ruin the relationship with person I love the most my mum. She denies what went before. I just don't know. It hurts immeasurably and I'm so lost.

[Uglyducklin]

I don't know I should delete this thread I ramble to myself. I feel like everything is crumbling ! I'm moving house next week so I need to keep together after that I don't know. My ability to cope is falling away . I'm going from one mental health crisis or physical illness to another. I don't know how to be here. I know I don't deserve to post.

[Uglyducklin]

I am disgusting and violated and fat. I can't do this I can't cope with what this might do to my family and my mum. I feel so broken. I have therapy today and I keep losing my words I don't know how to contain this.

[Uglyducklin]

I'm sorry I'm so afraid can someone please reply. I know I don't deserve to post.

[Ballerina123]

Just to let you know I'm reading but am unsure how helpful I can be.

Sorry you're in so much distress right now x

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks Hun I have just had so much happen and I'm essentially being coerced into a very big piece of family work that my mum and I are being pushed to do. I am very isolated other than my mum I have no close family and I can't bother my friends. It could ruin my relationship with my mum and relates to a very traumatic event as a child. I am not coping I just want to disappear I am doing my best to minimise my behaviours as I know if I do seek medical or psychiatric help I'm wasting professionals time and taking from those who are more unwell and deserving. I'm scared I can't keep it up. I need to keep the weight and fat off . I'm out of resilience and yet my eating disorders nurse shares I'm coping. I'm sorry this makes no sense. I just feel so hopeless. You don't know how much your reply means x

[Uglyducklin]

I'm scared my mood is slipping I'm not really talking or saying what is happening. I can do it here because people aren't forced to support me but still I'm afraid to say what is happening. I'm afraid of the thoughts in my head I have to be OK until we move but I'm so destructive and afraid. The shame , Fat and violation feels inescapable. I know my mum will hate me after the family work and I have nobody. I can't get a handle on anything. Thank you for reading x

[Dying_Angel]

I don't have much advice. But I'm thinking of you xx

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks dying Angel it is just so overwhelming I'm trying to get out from under all of this work and I can't even do that. I just need to stop it all x