struggling with voices and orders *update* admitted :(

[Arienette]

New meds give me more motivation to do things which is frustrating in here.

My mood is levelling a bit I think

I had a bad day yesterday. A lot of crying about the child.

Had a better day today. The nurse mocked me for wanting to post a letter to her which made me angry but I've calmed down since and my friend came to see me which was lovely.

Although I'm getting irate with being 1:1 still. Feel like I'm gonna flip.

[Arienette]

Ugh I lost my glasses being restrained last night and I'm not allowed in the garden to look for them.

What a joke!

Had ward round. Seems unlikely I'll be home soon. We are still having communication and misunderstandings.

FFS. X

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

*Big cuddles*

I'm glad to hear you're mood is leveling out, but sorry you've been crying & upset. I do believe you need to cry in order to process whats happened though - Is there anyone you trust on the ward that you can talk things through with?

I'd imagine you're on 1.1 for a reason & you will eventually come off it, its just about waiting & working with the staff as best you can. As you're not allowed to go & search for your glasses can you ask one of the staff to look for you? Its unfair for you not to have your glasses, how are you supposed to see?

What happened in the ward round to make you feel like there's a communication barrier? Maybe you could write everything down for the next one so you know you're being heard correctly?

I just realized I asked about a million questions! I'm just trying to see whats happening right now for you as I love you muchly.

[Arienette]

Yeah I was talking with a patient but she's discharged now. A few of the nurses I can talk to and feel comfortable without judgement.

I wasn't allowed to look bc it was night time/evening and the night shift won't let me in the garden properly. We found them today though thank goodness. Some of the nurses helped me bc they all came running out thinking I was digging, so finding them helped me not get into more trouble.

I feel like there's a communication error because he called my psychotic and said that my experiences were symptoms of mental illness. I walked out. It's real. Obviously it's real.

I have been writing more letters to annabelle (the girl), and that I helping me process my feelings. I'm struggling a bit here all the people I was talking to have been discharged, which is good for them but now I'm left with a woman who thinks she's my mum and is bossing me about and being passive aggressive when I'm not doing what she wants. I'm probs gonna flip if she continues.

And I try to keep my distance but she follows me everywhere.

I'm really drained today and it's affecting my mood. Or it could've because of my mood I feel drained and low. I can still have a joke and a talk but i am struggling with my mood still. But I'm frustrated bc I reckon I could be managed with HTT and a med adjustment maybe.

Xx

[Arienette]

A nurse day mentioned my "schizoaffective" disorder. I hope she's wrong. What the ****. I'm not schizoaffective.

For ****ing hell. How'd they even come up with that?

It's bull. I have mood issues I.e. Bipolar. I'm still trying to accept that.

She must be wrong but it's made me anxious about what the team are thinking.

��

I'm struggling ATM. I managed to go in the gym here today which helped release some tension and give me a focus that I have at home.

I'm looking forward to seeing annabelle. It is keeping me quiet and hanging on bc I want to see what she looks like seeing as I'm going to be caring for her.

Xx

[Arienette]

Doped on lorazepam. I guess it's not been a great day.

[Arienette]

I did something the voices told me to do, I'm going to get in trouble when they find out but I couldn't help it. It took over and when I ignored the se orders the other day my life was hell for the next 24 hours and I lost my ****. So I just did it.

Slept a lot today. I think because of the PRN. It kept me knocked out for ages.

[[Luna]]

Do you want to talk about what happened? Have you hurt yourself?
Has the prn been helping at all?
x

[Fire Fly]

Like Emma has said do you want to talk about what you did?
Are the nurses aware yet of the said incident?

[Arienette]

I wrote all over my walls all the voices and. The orders. I didn't self harm and I don't know what it says. I've been in TV lounge since so no one has seen it and I haven't read it either. I don't feel ready to read it right now.

I think it could be related to what I've been hearing today that my medication is to poison annabelle.

PRN helped last night although made me sleep for hours which helped bcauae it have me a deep and long respite from life which I've been feeling like I've needed for weeks.

On my chart I'm written up for so much PRN but I can't see what the others say. Is haloperidol used as PRN? I thought I saw that. Why I written up for that???

Xx

[Pomegranate]

Why don't you ask the staff? we can't speculate. I was also written up for haloperidol prn whilst IP.

[Arienette]

When I ask they start talking about how I have symptoms of other mental illness and that agitates and upsets me. Xx

[Pomegranate]

Do you think maybe the meds are to help with your agitation? Maybe they aren't more specific because of your reactions? Instead of focusing on the mess, why not focus on ways to manage your distress (whether it's mh related or not)

[Arienette]

Yeah. I'm only distressed because they're keeping me here and stopping me from doing what I need to. I think they're not specific bc of my reactions. I don't think I'm in a place to be listening to psycho- babble lately.

I can't sleep so I changed my room aroud and tidied. I was gonna smoke out my window but there are people in the woodland outside my window (homeless maybe) anyway their foot steps and voices freaked me out bc I'm ground floor on case tey came up and snatched my rollie.

So I left it. Coulda got away with it else bc my 1:1 is asleep and I compromised they can have the obs window blinds up if I can **** the door bc sometimes it gets so noisy.

Might take him up on the Offer of zopiclone because I don't want my sleeping pattern to be messed up and now I've been awake
Le for longer than my compensatory hours napping.

[Arienette]

Yeah that's possible. It all got added to my chart after I was restrained.

Xx

[Arienette]

I just flipped at the night staff too. Xx

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

Is there anyone you feel safe to talk to? Perhaps you could discuss what you need to do in order get off 1.1, as its causing you so much distress, at least that way you'd have a goal in sight.

[Arienette]

I have to wait until my ward round. So I really hope I come off it this week. I spoke to other staff about it and flipped some more. I got an apology in the end from one of the staff involved.

I've had a nap this afternoon but put an alarm on so I can sleep tonight.

My mood overall feels fine but I don't know what's going on.

I've been told lurasidone is trying to poison the child so I was told to stop taking it. I didn't take it last night (slyly) they think I did.

I don't know how they could possibly want to murder a child. Since doing what the voices have asked they have been queitwr and less aggressive about me being a murderer so that's good. I've been told to write on the walls again but I'm trying not to. I don't think they noticed that I have done yet or no one has said anything which is good bc I don't know how to explain it. It's a weird message that I don't understand. Xx

[Bellatrix]

Love take your meds. promise this isn't real. i know it hard to believe i really really do. but try to reach out and touch,,, argue bacj,, fight. i know you will fight ou're so strong.
love xx

[Arienette]

You know that medication is being used to kill children? And they're trying to kill annabelle.

I pretended to take it bc it started to turn ino an ordeal and they threatened the injection. I think they're evil for trying to kill children so at least I can manage to not take that tablet secretly.

I'm very upset about all of this and just cried loads. I just can't understand it.

X