My mom is off of work tomorrow because of the holiday so will be home all day. I did not tell her what it was, but said I was getting a package so she can maybe sign for it. I really hope she doesn't keep asking what or how much it was, because she'll be mad.
She was home today too, and some of the things I need to do I would do at her house, but do not want to do them while she is home. So I guess none of it is happening.
I don't know. Just because I should do things does not make them doable. I clearly fail.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I don't know. She managed to cut her face near her eyeball. And half fell into my dad's pool.
I do not think I know how to function like a normal human. Much less dress like one.
There are meant to be more people over tomorrow, and small children, and I do not know them because they are my sister's new husband's family. I am super super anxious and I literally did not get home until after 3am because my cousins and uncle and I were playing a game of Monopoly. It is not finished. But they had to sleep.
My sister bought fireworks and sparklers and those things you throw at the ground and make popping noises. They plan to do them tomorrow. And want to go someplace to see proper fireworks.
My lego set came. I told my cousins and they were super excited at the idea of putting it together with me.
I want to cry. I think I need to self harm or take something at least. I'm meant to be back over at my dad's house in less than 8 hours. I'm exhausted but not in a sleepy way. In an, I'm so anxious I can't process things and am too overwhelmed. I don't know how to hold a conversation. Or move a game piece on a board and do all the game things and human things at the same time. Plus make sure the dog is being okay.
And I know my cousin and my uncle are fairly used to me being kind of ****ed up, but my dad and the rest of the family (and strangers) will not be, so it's hard and I'm a wreck and I don't honestly know how I can manage this.
As I was driving home I realised that there's no way I'm going to be able to deal with them going home on Monday in any safe way. This isn't going to end well.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Is there any way you can get down time or a break to recharge yourself before more social activities? If you need to take a little time for yourself, even leaving social scenes to sit in the bathroom and just breathe deeply for a while to ground yourself, it's okay for you to do that.
I know you say you won't be able to cope with them going, why do you think that is? Maybe there is something we can plan in advance.
I don't know. My dad called a couple of hours ago. It's 3pm. I'm going back to bed. I don't think I can deal with people or anything today. People have been shooting off fireworks all day so far and I can't deal with it. I really want to see my uncle and cousins, but I don't want to see the other people. And I can't deal with trying to put on different clothes. I feel like I am letting them down, especially because I said I would be back today and I am not there and have not said anything.
My uncle and cousins are pretty much the only family I have that I can be somewhat open about with things. I rarely see them because they live so far away, and for a long time my aunt would not allow me to have contact with my cousins. Now that she and my uncle have split, my uncle does. But it seems like they actually care and like me, and I like them. And it hurts seeing them because I don't see or talk to them much anymore, and I don't get to keep track of what they are up to, and seeing them hurts and not seeing them hurts and it's just a stupid reminder of how much I **** things up.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
They are leaving in the morning. I said goodbye to them this evening.
I am pretty sure I need to kill myself.
There are all sorts of things I should do but I can't.
I am unsure what to do with the dog.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
What sort of things are you thinking you should do?
I know things are difficult, but once you kill yourself you can't go back from that. You say you're "pretty sure" you need to kill yourself but I think it's such a serious and scary thing, so I think it's worth trying all the things you can do while you're still here.
I have a class that is meant to start tomorrow/today (it is 5am), my internet bill has magically gone up, i never got the parking refund sorted or the dentist, or did a bunch of other things on my list.
I can't just end up in hospital for a few days. I can't do that to Lyra. The only other alternative is being dead. I am considering taking her to doggie daycare and just leaving her there until they figure out I am dead and not coming back.
I am a horrible person.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
An alternative is not doing anything and being alive.
My thoughts exactly. The other option is to not harm yourself, then you won't need to be at the hospital and you won't need to leave your dog at the daycare.
I do not think not doing anything is an option. I will have to do something at least. A Monday seems like a reasonable day. It did not seem right to do it on a weekend day.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I am supposed to be dead. The only thing they would conceivably put it off when today is a perfect day for it is to do enough damage or **** up being dead. But being in a hospital is not an option so I can't **** it up.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Can you stop yoirself today if you're going to act on these suicidal plans?
Maybe promise that if you prepare Lyra to go to the kennel you'll call a doctor or helpline, or just be with someone?
I never have good luck with helplines. I struggle with talking on the phone in general, and talking about stuff like this is also hard. They get frustrated because I don't know what to say.
Almost everyone from uni is out of the country or out of town doing field work. My old TA is in India. That's what happens when everyone studies geology I guess.
Spent most of the day in bed. I have to give the dog dinner in another hour or so. I feel like I am just waiting for something to happen.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
