It is all too much - Page 2

Too Shy · 30-04-2015, 03:37 PM

Thank you. That is true. I think sometimes you forget how bad things were, like maybe I was just overreacting. My head's sort of trying to convince me that 'Well I could just get back to that weight but feel ok with it', but it wasn't sustainable really. And I have worked so far to improve things. My SEDCAS worker is going to get me some worksheets and have a think about the body image side of things, so that will help I think.

I'm trying to write down a list of positive things I want to achieve too, some more positive goals to aim for. I think that is helping a bit too, just to feel like I might have a chance at having a future.

Pi.R^2 · 04-05-2015, 04:00 PM

How are things going Liv?

Too Shy · 06-05-2015, 06:37 PM

Things are going a bit better thank you. I feel a little bit less overwhelmed by uni work, which has helped. I'm going to view some flats tomorrow so it will be a big relief when all that is sorted out and feels a bit more stable. I have my last sessions at the day hospital next week, and then I am starting appointments with the psychologist from SEDCAS the week after next, so I'm hoping that will be useful too.

The suicidal thoughts have eased a bit (in frequency and intensity), so that has helped a lot. I feel calmer again. More 'normal'.

Pi.R^2 · 10-05-2015, 10:13 AM

Glad to hear that things are going a bit better. How did the flat-viewings go?

I hope the last few sessions at the days hospital go well- maybe when you meet with the SEDCAS psychologist you can discuss what was helpful about the day hospital and figure out if there's a way you replicate some of those helpful aspects at home yourself.

[Frostbitten] · 10-05-2015, 01:47 PM

Sorry to hear you've been struggling Liv :( But I'm glad that things seem to be running a little smoother at the moment, compared to a couple of weeks ago?

Is the psychologist RP by any chance? If so, she is lovely and very helpful.

Take care x

Too Shy · 11-05-2015, 05:51 PM

Thank you for the replies. <3

I just had one flat viewing in the end, but I have accepted it. I am not thrilled by it, but it is ok and when I am all moved in with all my things (probably middle of June) it will feel better when it's a bit more homely. It's on the second floor and it has a little balcony. Part of me is excited about this. Part of me thinks it won't be high enough to be fatal though, just to injure, and that would make everything else.

That is the psychologist, yes! She does seem very helpful, she talked a lot of sense, so I think it will be useful. My SEDCAS worker has given me a bit of homework to think about some of the body image behaviours that we can start challenging with some exposure tasks, so that will be useful too I think.

I skipped dinner and snack last night, but I have got myself back on track again today.

Too Shy · 12-05-2015, 08:28 AM

That's a good idea. I think I will try to get my photo frames put up as soon as possible, I feel less alone having personal things around.

I am struggling with people at the moment. It feels like complete sensory overload, if that makes sense. My brother and his girlfriend have been here the last few nights, and I am not coping with the noise and the mess and the chaos. I have ended up hiding under a blanket with my hood up to try and block it all out. I feel better during the day though, I am alone during the day.

Pi.R^2 · 15-05-2015, 08:49 AM

Glad you found a flat and as has been said, hopefully moving and getting some peace and quiet will be a positive experience overall!

Hope things are going OK and your brother and his girlfriend aren't making too much noise.

Did you get the homework done for your SEDCAS worker?

Too Shy · 17-05-2015, 09:30 PM

I did yes. My next goal is to work on wearing short sleeves/vest top for a short time around people instead of covering up my shoulders because I am self-conscious of how large I am.

I did my first ever presentation on Friday, so things have been positive. My lecturer said they are really, really pleased with how far I have come and pleased that I did it. I e-mailed my supervisor to tell him I did it and he said he is very proud of me. So that is nice. It feels like an achievement. I am so incredibly ashamed and disgusted with my voice. I cannot bear it. It makes me want to just curl up and die. It is horrific.

Too Shy · 18-05-2015, 08:39 PM

I cried throughout dinner because I am so ashamed of my body and who I am.

I am ashamed of being so unhealthy. I am such a horrible, selfish, annoying, greedy, pathetic, boring waste of space. I am just so, so ashamed of being me. I just want to be a better person. I want to be worthwhile. And I feel so desperately, desperately sad.

Bellatrix · 19-05-2015, 01:52 PM

Can you try to think of the positives of your body and write them down and keep them somewhere prominent.

Things like, 'my body can lift things', 'my body is strong', 'my body is healthy and that is beautiful'.

EyelinerAndCigarettes · 19-05-2015, 06:35 PM

I'm sorry you were/are feeling so so low beautiful, but I promise to you,, you are not one of the things you think you are.

How are you feeling today sweetpea?

x x x

Too Shy · 23-05-2015, 06:25 PM

Sorry for the really slow reply, thank you for the support.

That's a really good idea. I think I might try writing it down in my scrapbook some of the positives about my body. About what it can do, not what it looks like.

My body image is still awful, but I am trying.

Pi.R^2 · 26-05-2015, 12:31 PM

I seem to remember you went to some sort of body image group when you were IP, were there any activities you did there that might prove helpful now?

Too Shy · 30-05-2015, 04:17 PM

I did do a body image group, that is a good point. I used to find the non-judgemental thoughts especially helpful, so I will try to practice that again. It is helpful to try and remind myself that it is just a number. To try and rationalise it. Rationally my body is not too big. It feels like it is, but it is just a thought. I don't have to act on that thought. Thoughts won't hurt me. Not eating will.

I restricted this morning as a 'test'. Just to practice. To ease myself into it gently, so I can get back into the habit of restricting and lose all the weight. The 'anorexic' thoughts are so intense at the moment. I hate myself for letting myself gain weight, after I worked so hard to lose it. I can't bear the thought of the next few months, I just want to fast forward until I am back at my lowest weight.

But I am trying to fight those thoughts. I made myself breakfast, even though it was really late. I am behind with eating my meal plan for today now, but I can try and get back on track, so that is what I am going to do.

Pi.R^2 · 30-05-2015, 07:40 PM

Well done for trying to get back on track today, I hope you're managing :)

You say that you hate yourself for gaining weight that you worked so hard to lose, but equally if you lose weight again it'll feel like a bit of a aste of all that effort you put into recovery and gaining back that weight! And then it'll just continue in that cycle again and again so you might as well just cut your losses and be like "yep, wasted my hard work losing weight, but losing it all again would just be even more wasted time, so might as well put my hard work into something more productive".

Too Shy · 06-06-2015, 05:35 PM

That's a good way to think about it, thank you. Like switching that focus to a more healthier perspective.

I have been skipping a few meals and snacks here and there this week, but it's taking over my brain so quickly. I am really trying today, so that is positive. The eating disordered part of my head is telling me that I can't have any food in my new flat, and that I have to keep running up and down the stairs repeatedly to 'exercise'. But I am trying to rationalise that because that is silly and will not help.

I got the keys to my flat today, so that is exciting. And a more positive goal is that I can try and be healthy there, I guess. I have been offered a job interview with an employer that I would really, really, really love to work for too, so that's been a nice achievement.

Pi.R^2 · 07-06-2015, 10:34 AM

Congrats on being offered the job interview, hope it goes well! Maybe that would be something to fight to be healthy for.

Trying to be healthy there is a great goal. Even though I've had one or two slip-ups with restriction in my current home, my main memory of this house isn't of me lying in bed exhausted from not eating which is nice and feels like I have a fresh start here. Hopefully in your new flat you'll never have to leave it for months on end to be IP and maybe there won't be too many memories of over-exercising and purging either. I hope that makes sense.

What is the situation with your professional help/SEDCAS at the moment?

LittleCloud · 07-06-2015, 04:27 PM

Cheering loudly for you Liv- so many positive things going on in your life!!!! Fingers and toes crossed for you for the interview. I hope that you can keep feeling positive in your new flat- I know how it feels when you count the missed snacks and meals, but it feels better when you count the ones you've had- I'm doing that myself. I hope things keep moving on up with you and that your team are there to support you keeping things positive

Too Shy · 10-06-2015, 08:31 PM

I'm starting appointments with the SEDCAS psychologist next week, which I think will be helpful. I'm still seeing my SEDCAS worker weekly at the moment too (although she has been off this week and last week), and meeting the support worker sometimes too.

Eating went very badly yesterday, and has not been brilliant today. But I have done better this evening, so onwards and upwards.