The not wanting help thing was something Cat said, and if that were true (which doctor lady did not say or write in the email) then that is contradictory to what she said when I was there the last time.
She has always said when I am there that she will always ask at the end of an appointment if I want to schedule another one, but that it is okay to say no or to not schedule one and then schedule one later if I change my mind. She said she does not want me to feel like I am required to be there or feel pressured to be there. But the email now contradicts that, at least in my opinion.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
and now i just got an email that all the groups in one of my classes have been moved around, which means given by my new group number i will be sitting in the back of the class. i can't focus in the back of the class. at all. i understanding wanting people to work in groups but i don't know how am i going to be able to focus if i cannot sit someplace where i can actually pay attention and i am sure i am probably panicking over something stupid so it's not actually worth emailing the professor.
and i am so behind in everything anyways. i haven't done much of anything today because i can't handle it. and i am aware just sticking my head in the sand and ignoring it won't make it go away but i am trying to stay safe so i don't know what else to do?
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Pretty sure I can't just apologise to professors for not doing work and say that I was busy trying not to end up dead. Counted the pills I have and it is more than I thought so would be enough to actually likely kill me. But that is not how it is supposed to be but I can't do how it is supposed to be because that would be scary and involve other bad things and I want it to stop. I'm scared.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I know how scary it feels to be in the middle of uni work, to be behind and on top of that to feel utterly depressed and hopeless and like things can never change.
But we're all on the outside of your situation, so we can see things objectively. I can see you battling between wanting to get better and wanting to die. And your core belief that you can't talk about things with a therapist is the main hindrance to your recovery, because it makes you think nothing can possibly get better.
Morpheus said everything I was trying to say in a better way. Your therapist's email makes a lot of sense, if you meet her regularly with goals to work towards then you will start to make progress even if you go at a snails pace.
If you're at this point of being suicidal and in crisis, then clearly you don't have anything to lose now. You're at the bottom and so the only way is up. So why not just give it a try? Do what your therapist says? Plus if your mum knew how desperate you felt then I'm sure she'd give you the $14 a week for therapy, because that's nothing in comparison to her daughter being dead.
I know how overwhelming it all feels. But it doesn't have to be this way and you CAN change it.
Can you use some coping skills right now to deal with the thoughts? Have you done DBT skills? When I have bad suicidal urges and they scare the **** out of me I remind myself that nothing bad can happen to me without me acting on those thoughts. My arms wont just independently cause me harm, and so it boils down to me just not acting on them. At times that feels like a big ask, but then I remember that urges come and go in waves. If you 'sit with' the urges and thoughts then they will come to a peak and then recede- and then you learn that nothing bad happens if you don't act on them!
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
I think what I'm going to say is a bit similar to Anna, but let's see if I can explain myself clearly.
What would happen if you did an experiment where you talked about the things you're "not allowed to" and see what happens? Right now you believe so strongly that bad things will happen if you do, but you don't have any evidence.
It's like how I believe eating certain foods will make me sick. If I don't eat the foods I can never disprove the belief and it gets stronger. But if I eat the food and don't get sick I have some evidence that my beliefs were not justified.
Doesn't mean you're just making it up, doesn't mean you don't feel extreme distress at this idea.
Does that makes sense?
Obviously it's super anxiety provoking so best worked on with your dr lady but it's a new approach- your current approach isn't working cause things are still so hard.
Also I would recommend not telling her about the contradiction you see about her thinking you want help. To me she is being very supportive and willing to work with you but just asking for some regularity. It's worth considering.
I know she said you didn't need to make appointments at the end of sessions and this email says differently, I wouldn't bring it up as a contradiction but instead I suggest she's been thinking about how best to help you and realised this is it and so she's changed her mind. She mentions her ethical duty to do her best to support you and she's right that the regular appointments would be better for that, for goal setting, maybe even for you knowing when you can see her next.
I hope you're doing ok xxx
Last edited by Snow White. : 17-02-2015 at 11:55 PM.
I know how scary it feels to be in the middle of uni work, to be behind and on top of that to feel utterly depressed and hopeless and like things can never change.
But we're all on the outside of your situation, so we can see things objectively. I can see you battling between wanting to get better and wanting to die. And your core belief that you can't talk about things with a therapist is the main hindrance to your recovery, because it makes you think nothing can possibly get better.
Morpheus said everything I was trying to say in a better way. Your therapist's email makes a lot of sense, if you meet her regularly with goals to work towards then you will start to make progress even if you go at a snails pace.
If you're at this point of being suicidal and in crisis, then clearly you don't have anything to lose now. You're at the bottom and so the only way is up. So why not just give it a try? Do what your therapist says? Plus if your mum knew how desperate you felt then I'm sure she'd give you the $14 a week for therapy, because that's nothing in comparison to her daughter being dead.
I know how overwhelming it all feels. But it doesn't have to be this way and you CAN change it.
Can you use some coping skills right now to deal with the thoughts? Have you done DBT skills? When I have bad suicidal urges and they scare the **** out of me I remind myself that nothing bad can happen to me without me acting on those thoughts. My arms wont just independently cause me harm, and so it boils down to me just not acting on them. At times that feels like a big ask, but then I remember that urges come and go in waves. If you 'sit with' the urges and thoughts then they will come to a peak and then recede- and then you learn that nothing bad happens if you don't act on them!
I don't feel depressed and I don't want to die. That's not what I want. I don't know how to explain it properly I guess. I've done a bit of DBT but never found it terribly helpful. And telling my mother what is going on is not an option. Nor do I feel like I'm in crisis. If I were then it'd mean I am pretty much always in crisis. I'm being negative. Should probably shut up.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I think what I'm going to say is a bit similar to Anna, but let's see if I can explain myself clearly.
What would happen if you did an experiment where you talked about the things you're "not allowed to" and see what happens? Right now you believe so strongly that bad things will happen if you do, but you don't have any evidence.
It's like how I believe eating certain foods will make me sick. If I don't eat the foods I can never disprove the belief and it gets stronger. But if I eat the food and don't get sick I have some evidence that my beliefs were not justified.
Doesn't mean you're just making it up, doesn't mean you don't feel extreme distress at this idea.
Does that makes sense?
Obviously it's super anxiety provoking so best worked on with your dr lady but it's a new approach- your current approach isn't working cause things are still so hard.
Also I would recommend not telling her about the contradiction you see about her thinking you want help. To me she is being very supportive and willing to work with you but just asking for some regularity. It's worth considering.
I know she said you didn't need to make appointments at the end of sessions and this email says differently, I wouldn't bring it up as a contradiction but instead I suggest she's been thinking about how best to help you and realised this is it and so she's changed her mind. She mentions her ethical duty to do her best to support you and she's right that the regular appointments would be better for that, for goal setting, maybe even for you knowing when you can see her next.
I hope you're doing ok xxx
What happens if/when I said something and then had to do bad things? Then that doesn't disprove it.
And I have told her before I am not even supposed to be there so even just physically being there is hard. I don't know. As I said. Being negative right now I think.
I don't know if she was meant to email me back or if I am to email her. But uni was closed again today/yesterday/Tuesday so if she was meant to email me about scheduling she would not have been able to.
It's after 4am. Sleep is a thing that is not happening clearly. I just talked to one of my group mates to try to finish an assignment due tomorrow so that was ok I guess. She seems very nice. We made plans to finish it before class tomorrow/today, unless there is a snow day, which, given it's snowed an inch since I got home 3 hours ago is possible.
I am really really trying to not do anything because if I needed medical attention and the weather is this bad I would feel even more guilty for wasting resources.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
What happens if/when I said something and then had to do bad things? Then that doesn't disprove it.
What makes you 'have' to do bad things? I think that is the idea that trying to be talked about here - what if you didn't do the bad things even if you felt you had to. Yes there would be a great deal of anxiety but that is what the therapy could work on. Of course I'm talking over time here, it's a long process of changing tings like this.
Is there any way you could try and get sleep now? If not, maybe plan some of the work for tomorrow to keep you occupied instead of hurting yourself?
It goes against other things in place that I do not get a say in.
I am unsure I can go to sleep now. I have to be up in 3-4 hours at this point anyways if I am meeting my group mate. I'm already essentially useless because I'm so exhausted.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I don't know. Once i finally manage to fall asleep I have a hard time getting up. So I am afraid I would not get up to go to uni as it has not closed yet.
Justin forced me to tell him. I didn't get around it. Not listening to it isn't an option. I can barely do enough to hold things off as is. If I did something to make it worse there's no way.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Okay. Im just going to comment in the financial part right now as i feel i have said what i think and can suggest and what in my own experience has helped in similar situation, in previous threads of yours. You are welcome to read through those replies if interested.
I was thinking, she didnt say every week but every other week. How i see it that means at least twice a month. You said it was 14 dollars each time i think? Thats a dollar a day, more or less. Could you put that aside each day and save in a box for these appointments? Even if it has to go from other things like food. Can you find cheaper options regarding food that allows you to be able to do that.
I understand how it is not an ideal situation and that it is tough but maybe see this as an investment in you, on an equal with food? Because what does it matter that you can afford food if you have died from an OD. Right now you are stuck in a hard and unmanageble situation for you and something needs to be done. As i see it, this is likely the way forward.
If you cant do that, is it possible for you to tell your mother a white lie basically. Tell her that the food for money isnt quite enough and a bit more would do wonders for you? And hope that she may help you. Even if she doesnt give you the specific amout, just a little could help in regards of finding the money.
Perhaps look through where you can save. Like is there a cheaper shampoo option, could you make food and freeze and reheat in a cheap way, can you save a bit on transport etc.
I had to do that when my back got really bad and i suddenly had to go from not having to pay for any medications to suddenly have to pay about £100 a month that i hadnt budgedet after when i moved and having to buy a lot of things to help me around the flat. Its tough and that as well went from a few hobbies, food, other things i needed in every day life. But starting to look for cheaper options whenever i went shopping, to make different priorities etc. And stuff like that made it possible. Not easy, but possible. So perhaps its worth a try to put the money to see her aside and see if its possible to manage financially without them if you change some things. Maybe have a trial period for a month to see whether its possible.
Just a few suggestions as i think it could really make a positive difference for you to see her regularly.
Den fuldkomne kærlighed,
Kan ikke eksistere blandt ufuldkomne
I got halfway to uni. Got my car stuck on a hill because there's no way to get there that doesn't involve going up a huge hill. Made it home to find that fifteen minutes after I left the professor extended the assignment until Friday, and that as soon as I made I made it back home, the entire uni closed.
I might just try to go back to sleep. I don't know. The roads are terrible, so I don't want to have to go back out after that. Now that I'm home I feel really unsafe and just really odd physically. I don't know if it's just lack of sleep or what.
It's taking all I have to not self harm or od. I don't think I could keep it manageable. Pills are just sitting on the kitchen counter because I'm supposed to have od'd again already but I can't do that when the weather is so bad even if I am meant to be dead because I don't want people to deal with it. I am confused.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Okay. Im just going to comment in the financial part right now as i feel i have said what i think and can suggest and what in my own experience has helped in similar situation, in previous threads of yours. You are welcome to read through those replies if interested.
I was thinking, she didnt say every week but every other week. How i see it that means at least twice a month. You said it was 14 dollars each time i think? Thats a dollar a day, more or less. Could you put that aside each day and save in a box for these appointments? Even if it has to go from other things like food. Can you find cheaper options regarding food that allows you to be able to do that.
I understand how it is not an ideal situation and that it is tough but maybe see this as an investment in you, on an equal with food? Because what does it matter that you can afford food if you have died from an OD. Right now you are stuck in a hard and unmanageble situation for you and something needs to be done. As i see it, this is likely the way forward.
If you cant do that, is it possible for you to tell your mother a white lie basically. Tell her that the food for money isnt quite enough and a bit more would do wonders for you? And hope that she may help you. Even if she doesnt give you the specific amout, just a little could help in regards of finding the money.
Perhaps look through where you can save. Like is there a cheaper shampoo option, could you make food and freeze and reheat in a cheap way, can you save a bit on transport etc.
I had to do that when my back got really bad and i suddenly had to go from not having to pay for any medications to suddenly have to pay about £100 a month that i hadnt budgedet after when i moved and having to buy a lot of things to help me around the flat. Its tough and that as well went from a few hobbies, food, other things i needed in every day life. But starting to look for cheaper options whenever i went shopping, to make different priorities etc. And stuff like that made it possible. Not easy, but possible. So perhaps its worth a try to put the money to see her aside and see if its possible to manage financially without them if you change some things. Maybe have a trial period for a month to see whether its possible.
Just a few suggestions as i think it could really make a positive difference for you to see her regularly.
The only things I buy that I don't have to have are coffee and occasionally I will go out for a meal. If it were only a matter of a few dollars here or there I could make it work but the reality is I am at least two to three hundred dollars short every month in paying my bills. I've been using my savings which is almost gone.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I should win some kind of stupidity award. I emailed doctor lady and said that I was confused because I do nt remember those things being requirements and financially as well as otherwise that would be an issue. I also declined her list of community resources because she's given it to me before and they don't know what to do with me either because they don't understand self harm or eating things and I'm not homeless or addicted to drugs or alcohol.
I'm just going to hide in bed and pretend none of this is happening. Not safe.
edit: And now I'm apparently starting a job on Tuesday? I have no idea. The lady asked me to email her if I was still interested, so I emailed thinking I'd get set up for an interview in a few weeks, and instead it was, call this number in the morning and you will start Tuesday. Um. I kind of have the feeling I am not functional enough for a job but I really really need the money so I don't know?
Last edited by Auror. : 18-02-2015 at 11:36 PM.
Reason: added
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Hi Carmen im just wondering how you're doing? Sorry I havent replied to your post above. It's late here but I'll be back to give it the reply it deserves, until then I'm wondering how you're doing today?
