*hugs* Jessie, so many people don't understand with eating disorders, but it's strange as so many people develop eating disorders as a result of trauma. If that's how you feel the guilt you have a right to that. So much of the way you experience trauma with eating sounds related to the abuse you experienced. You have a right to how you feel. I hope your eating disorders nurse can understand how much you're struggling. I' always here if you need to talk <3
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Thank you Alannah. I feel huge and frightened and fat. I think I'm emotionally retarded it is hard to feel safe and allow people to see my distress beyond baseline anxiety fidgeting with my hair and at times poor eye contact. I'm terrified I'm eating in a cafe for the first time in year it's too much I am frightened and too fat. I don't know I'm sorry.
It sounds in that post as though feeling 'fat' comes into things when your emotions are very overwhelming, is that possible do you think? I can understand that fear and anxiety, and the poor eye contact and fidgeting etc, and it can feel like a huge risk to allow people to see your distress, but if you could manage to speak to someone, or to write your thoughts down and show someone, it would be really great.
Thanks live I managed but it was hard and I did leave part of it as some of it triggered trauma memories. I feel so fat lost and broken I tried talking to my mum but she is frustrated and annoyed and has gone out and I feel lost and I'm crying alone by myself pathetic but I wish I wasn't on my own again and I know that's needy and pathetic but I'm tired of being alone and crying. I'm sorry I don't deserve to post .
Feel so drained and fat and broken. I hate myself so much for hurting my mum. Cried for hours last night. I still feel fragile today. I can't find the words. Sorry to post again.
So proud of you honey, How did it go with your nurse?
I'm sorry things are hard with your Mum, Parents often seem like they don't understand because 1) Their uneducated on the subject & 2) You're their child, they don't want to see you hurt, so they lash out. Have you managed to speak to your Mum about you feel now?
Don't be sorry for posting! EVER! That's what were all here for <3
Thanks Helen it was difficult and confusing with my nurse. I swear I'm emotionally retarded or at least very numb and suppressed emotionally. I can be really distressed and crying you know doing normal stuff walking the dog or shopping ( not hysterical sobs but definite tears and feel really depressed and sad and anxious) but the second I'm with a professional or even sometimes my mum everything is buried so deep I can't show my emotions. Then everyone assumes I'm crying wolf or fine but I can't show my distress. Hate myself I feel fat dirty and selfish. Sorry to moan on. I hope you are ok Helen x
*hugs* it is so hard to let people in I know. Hearing you lovely- and you deserve that care from others when you can let them know you need it <3
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Thanks Alannah. I hate my body and feel so fat and awful. Really struggling with feeling so low and scared most of the time . I know my mental state is snowballing but I'm scared I can't show people. X
*Hugs* Jessie. I understand that feeling so well because I feel it too. Can you write what you feel and show the people who need to know that way?
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Thanks Alannah I disgust myself I want to rip myself to shreds. I'm so fat and out of control. I keep losing it. I feel like I'm violating myself repeatedly again and again. I feel polluted. I've had too much I am too much. I want to show someone it hurts but I can't I deserve nothing. I need to lose. It is out of control. I feel so desperate but if I try and show someone they won't believe me. I don't know what to do. I'm selfish I must stop posting . X
It must be incredibly painful having that amount of self-hatred for yourself, it sounds like you're being awfully hard on yourself.
Telling somebody how you feel at the moment would be a really good idea, and you do deserve that support. You are absolutely not digusting, or too much, and you're certainly not any of the other things you said about yourself.
Don't stop posting - keep reaching out for help here as much as you can. x
Thanks Hun I don't even know I feel so fat and drained. I don't know I'm a mess but numb now again at least. I had a massive flashback while helping my mum sort dinner I still feel violated and fat and dirty but more detached too. I'm going to talk to my eating disorders nurse on Thursday and hopefully my gp tomorrow. I need more control too as I feel so fat and food feels too chaotic. I'm rambling I don't know any more :(
Flashbacks are awful, but the numbness sounds like it's given you space to think about talking to your ED nurse. Can you plan or write down what to say so that you ca get what you're feeling inside across?
I hope you're feeling better some. The feeling fat is part of this. Is there a way you could talk with your ED nurse to plan food and make it less chaotic?
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Thanks Alannah. Gp was great I feel a bit less of a freak she explained how I'm just very shut down emotionally and that it will take time to become less so. It's not that I don't feel emotions I do for myself and others I'm just not demonstrative always so hopefully I can discuss this with my ed nurse and the trauma lady. I do find being so shut down really hard and distressing I don't want to feel so dead inside. I think it's more everything is making me feel guilty and I'm getting frustrated with the rituals even around making a drink. Hopefully my eating disorders nurse can help. Thanks both of you I hope you are ok . X
Hi guys I feel so low and exhausted. This week has been chaotic. My eating disorders nurse has suggested I try a traffic light system to help me express my distress. I ate out in a proper restraunt with family on Thursday and it was overwhelming but nice to see them. It was sad though because they kept picking on my cousin and they mentioned things about her being overweight it made me sad. I was meant to eat at a party but I chickened out and saw a friend and it upset my mum. I feel really scared and shaky as I'm so triggered by texture as well as weight and calories. My mum got angry as I couldn't eat all of something on my plate. She wants to talk to my eating disorders nurse Monday as well which makes me nervous. Sorry I'm waffling. I wish I felt empty and clean :(
I can relate to being so shut down like that, it can feel very isolating. The ED nurse's suggestion about trying a traffic light system sounds like a really good idea, what do you think about that? The staff here have suggested that I use flashcards to express how I'm feeling - e.g. a smiley face or a sad face, or just saying things that 'I could do with talking to somebody' or 'I'm not great, but I'm not ready to talk at the moment', would anything like that help?
Well done for eating in a restaurant, that must have been very scary but you did it!
Would it help to stick to some of the 'safer' textures while it's making you feel triggered, and then maybe challenging yourself to certain things when you're feeling up to it?
Thanks Liv. It's so hard and frustrating. I'm anxious today I think or numb I feel confused. I'm going to see how it goes. I'm scared that if I remove all the foods that trigger I might never be brave enough and then won't have the support to bring them back in. So once a week mum will make a trigger food and we will rotate them. I hope you are doing ok x
*Cuddles* The rotation food idea is a brilliant one, I know when I've been IP we've had a snack rotation that changes everyday & weekly, & I found it really helpful in changeling my ED thoughts/Behaviors, & eventually I didn't see certain types of foods as a trigger because I had it so much, in a safe environment.
Do you have a safe environment you can eat your trigger foods?, Perhaps have your Mum with you during/after you eat?, I always found planning something to look forward to after a difficult food was helpful,, & even though I just had to sit afterwards I found saying to myself 'I'm not just going to sit & dwell on X food during rest period, I'm going to finish my colouring/write a letter' something that made me almost want to finish the food so I could carry on with the activity I was looking forward to.
Did that make sense??!
*hugs* It is hard, frustrating, confusing- I'm here with you in these feelings and it can be so hard to try find a way out just to be as what people see as "normal" and do such little things like eat out. I did that tonight by myself in a pub and it's so many hard to handle feelings, not to mention being with others and you did so well in that. I know what you mean about taking away trigger foods and the support- I have foods like tinned tuna I don't eat because I ate it once when I felt ill and now it induces nausea- you are right to think to use that support while you have it. What does your ED nurse suggest?
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
