It sounds really difficult that everything is to be lead by you. They're probably doing that to encourage you to ask for the support and be proactive. I do recognize how hard that is though.
I hope your nurse recognises how hard you are going to try and talk to her and I hope she gives you some of her time. Maybe you could express how difficult it is to talk to staff and the thought process behind it, so they'll maybe be more thoughtful when you do go out of your room seeking support?
xx
How can the light that burned so brightly
Suddenly burn so pale?
I think they know I find it hard. Some of them try, but i guess they're so busy and if they aren't my named nurse they just leave me to it. And the night staff are just terrible. Since I kicked off and tried to get out, 2 out of the 3 night nurses literally won't look at me. It makes me feel unsafe at night. But just incase I needed something... You know? I don't.
My nurse is here apparently. Not seen her but just got back and my friend says she is. My husband is coming in a minute and I'm going to try and ask him to tell my nurse I would like to see her. I can already feel my words disappearing though. I'll feel so stupid if she comes and I have nothing to say.
I get to the point of... What is there to say, really?
Planning on trying to start with 'if I had been at home this weekend I would have overdosed' and seeing where that goes...
I want to smash my head so hard I'm knocked out for a few days.
Could you try and hand the blades to your nurse when you see her?
You have the control to wait until after your concert to use them, which is really good, so why not take a bit more control of yourself and hand them in to a nurse that you trust. Or ask your husband if he could tell her?
Do you have any idea what you want at all?
(^That sounds a bit blunt, but honestly was not intended that way!)
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I'm not handing them in, it feels like my last chance. Even if I don't use them? I don't even know if I've got the control. I wish I had my dressings. Then they wouldn't know. I could do baby cuts, but I need something decent.
What do I want? In an ideal world? To stop existing. And varying degrees of that basically. Overdose and be out of it for a few days. For Christmas.
I don't really know. I'm in a really avoidant phase i think. Ignore it and it will go away? I know it won't. I'll just stay here forever. Though maybe that's easier?
Husband told my nurse I need to see her. She reckons I'm 'in good spirits', I don't know how they work these things out from seeing you for 10 minutes. Maybe I don't look so down? I don't even know what's real anymore.
I spoke to her. Was weird. Told her I would have overdosed if i was home at the weekend. Talked about the weekend, going out, not liking it. Not feeling like anything is right or real. She just basically said it's probably because I have lost touch with reality cause I've been here in this room so long.
It's not that. There's something wrong. I can't explain.
Told her the thoughts are worse. Consquences seem less, but I need to not mess up for tomorrow.
And then she had to go to handover.
It felt unresolved. I don't know what I was expecting. I'm going to go outside and punch things.
Though I've actuslly done good tonight I think! I stayed out my room all night, sat with the guys again, they managed to convince me to come inside after s few hours and then I got them all doing gymnastics which staff thought was hilarious. Though I've had hold of a staple all night and small scratches. My head won't shut up, I'm agitated. Everyone else was sleepy, only a few still up and me still wired. I don't want lorazepam because as it wares off I get angry, so I went to the nurse and we decided on me having a zopiclone, which I took. And I have him the staple.
So yeah, I did good?
I'm worried that I give people the wrong impression. Guys. There's now, 3 young ones that hang around me. One in his 50s that sits too close and looks at me and wants to 'look after me' and then 2 middle agers who I think actually do want to look after me. But I feel weird. Uncomfortable? Can I not just be friends with them? It's getting hard work with one and I'm not sure what to do...
Zopiclone was good. Will def consider that again rather than lorazepam.
Didn't get up until 2pm cause I literally just felt too depressed, like it was pointless? But finally did and showered and have done my nails and hair and even put some foundation and mascara on. Because tonight I'm going out. It's our choirs Christmas concert so I'm going to watch. They're doing it for the time to change charity because of me, and with my husband running it and both my parents being in it and me not being there apparently the run up to this concert has frequently been very emotional. No one knows I'm going either apart from husband and family, so I'm super nervous. My sister and her famy are going too so I'll be sitting with them. I don't want to cry, but I have a feeling there maybe quite a few tears. Numb numb numb.
Not eaten today, but seeing as I don't want to pass out there I've asked my Mum to bring me a sandwich to eat on the way.
I'm so nervous. Don't know whether to have lorazepam or not?? Urgh.
Ward round tomorrow, need I try and work out how I feel and what I want...
It's sounds really positive that you're going to this concert and it sounds like a lot of people will be glad to see you :) I hope it goes well.
Well done for asking your mum to bring you a sandwich to eat.
It sounds like it's important to clear things in your head about what you want to say at Ward rounds tomorrow. Perhaps it'd help to write it out to try to work through it?
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
You got through it, that's what you need to focus on. Well done honey.
Do you have someone with you at the moment while you feel emotional?
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
No, only other patients when they come out to smoke. My good friend has a big day tomorrow so he's gone to bed. I'm sitting outside listening to music at the moment. There's not many staff on, only one nurse and someone on 1.1 so I don't want to bother anyone.
I understand the feeling of 'bothering' people but they're there to support you too remember.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
There's 2 younger guys who have been hanging around me asking questions, asking me to rate them out of ten, joking around with our names, and generally just hanging around me too long even when I'm literally sitting with headphones in. Then there's a man in his 50s who does the same, but sits too close and stares and won't go. Then there's the guy I'm good friends with, whose partners funeral is tomorrow but he's always touching me and asking leading questions and text me saying dream of me. Then there's the 2 guys in their 40s who just want to look after me but won't let me just sit outside 'cause it's too cold' so won't leave me alone, trying to father me. Then there's the kid always with everyone else who had no clue what's going on so talks at the same as everyone else and never shuts up.
And tonight it got too much. I told D he needs to be careful, I'm married, he has the funeral tomorrow and needs to think of that not me, that I'll be his friend. The older man wouldn't leave me alone, sitting too close. The older 2 telling me they wouldn't go in until I did or they would carry me in. The nurse came out to see if I was ok/would go in and I was upset, I asked him to make them go away so he did. But I came to put my phone on charge and they were all shouting. R was shouting at D and I feel so bad cause D doesn't need that.
The nurse gave me prn. Told me I'm a pretty girl and that's why, but if I feel uncomfortable they can be spoken to. He's going to ask my nurse to talk to me tomorrow about it, but she's only in in the morning and will be doing ward round.
Why does this always happen? I must have done something to especially lead D on. Why do they think it's ok? I feel disgusting and dirty. This is my fault and now shits going to happen just cause I'm a stupid fucking dirty girl who can't control herself. It must be me. Otherwise it wouldn't have happened then, and then, and then and now.
And now it's 1am and everything seems even more fucked and I have ward round tomorrow morning.
I'm sorry it's been such a difficult evening. It isn't your fault that people have been coming on to you; it sounds like you are making clear boundaries and trying to keep some privacy such as wearing earphones but as people are ill they are perhaps less able to read the signs. That's not your fault though and doesn't make you disgusting/dirty.
Thankyou. I just feel it's my fault. Like it was my fault when I was little. Or the guy on the train. There must be something I do. It's why I believe there's badness inside me that needs to come out. It's sneaky and pretends I'm a nice girl, people have told me they're drawn to me. It's what stops me talking when I need to.
I had prn when I came in, but I just asked for more cause I'm still awake and my heads still loud.
