I love your writing as well... and I will have to go back and find your earlier stories as well *hugs*
As many have said, you write very well with good imagery and figurative language
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
'What the hell are you doing?' the nurse screeched, pulling her alarm then attempting to wrench the ligature from around my neck.
I fought her, holding my hands protectively over the material around my neck, begging my body to give up the fight before she came back with reinforcements. But it was not to be.
Before I knew it they were upon me and I felt the cold side of a ligature knife slide underneath my last salvation and cut it free. I sat in shock, gasping as my lungs instinctively drew in the oxygen I had deprived them of.
I was dragged to my feet and brought to the office where I sat as the nurse who found me broke into a tirade of words that hit hard as heavy rain, about how selfish I was, especially having pulled the ligature tighter in front of her, and telling me how my observation levels would be changed to one to ones, which made my insides crawl and squirm inside my stomach. One to one observations once again. How would I cope with this yet again?
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
It is impossible to describe the painful self-awareness of being constantly watched, especially if you are being constantly watched by another person. I ate slept, dressed, undressed and used the toilet all under the watchful eyes of staff members. It hurt my pride immensely and made me ache for the freedom to do daily tasks in privacy. I tried to swallow my pride but it stuck fast in my throat. I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried, accept such limitations to my privacy.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
Luckily the observations were only one to one, not arms length, so that when my grandmother visited she wasn't aware of the level of obs I was on. We had a wonderful time despite the watchful eye of the nurse in the corner, planning Christmas and pretending none of this **** was happening.
But it was. I had a nurse visit my room after my visit and ask how I felt about moving to a more local unit. I thought about it and said I would prefer to stay there, but it was not to be. The next day I was shipped out to another unit, closer to home, which I had experienced before. I sank back in my seat and hoped that things hadn't changed too much, except for the better.
I would soon find out...
Last edited by Buttons. : 12-11-2013 at 08:46 PM.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
Arriving on the ward which felt oddly familiar and yet slightly menacing I stood patiently through the humiliation of having all my property searched and then finally being able to go to my room to deposit that which I had been left with, then swiftly being locked out of it, which made me feel suddenly trapped, exposed, under a microscope. I have always valued my privacy and this invasion was too much to bear.
I sloped off to the oh too familiar dining room and pressed the button for soup in the vending machines, an old favourite of mine that I hoped would be up to standard. It was, and as I sat sitting I watched the world of the ward go by, wondering how/if I could fit into this world again. And whether this was where I truly belonged....
Last edited by Buttons. : 12-11-2013 at 08:45 PM.
Reason: Wrong leg of the story ;-p
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
Just found this, I've always loved your writing style, I'm glad there's another instalment to your autobiography! Keep it up if it helps, and just on a side note *safe hugs* take care hun x
There is no sun without shadow, and it is essential to know the night.
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
Thanks lovelies, heres the next part:
Soon I encountered the first of the people I would be sharing my life with for the next however long.
She was a cheery blonde with a wicked sense of humour. We later spent many hours playing the slipper game, which consisted of aiming to flick our slippers off at various targets, human and inanimate. We were terribly mature.
Gradually I learnt the layout of the rest of the ward; who I could talk to, who was best left alone, and some who nobody had any idea about.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
