Hey Aimee.
I told about the damage and got it x-rayed. No break again. I wish there was so they would put a cast on it and this would stop. It's happened again since I got back from radiography. I'm icing it at the moment because there is so much swelling. The blacks (alters) want to stop Cricket writing/drawing, that's why it's the left hand/ wrist only.
I'm not being sent public thankfully.
Thanks for saying i'm not, but I still feel huge. Thank you though.
Today I've been trying to rest (got out of groups). Feeling pretty damn low.
Thanks for responding and caring Aimee
Hey Dash,
Thanks for the response.
I've talked to my Dr/T about getting it put in a cast. She said its an idea but she feels like its a short term solution to a long term problem and she's worried about muscle wastage. So I have no idea. It was my mums idea to put a cast on it anyway.
There's been more damage to my hand again. I don't see any point telling anyone, it's not broken, it's not black or blue. It's just a pain and I wish it would stop.
I'm not feeling that great this morning. I had an early night because I wasn't coping but I kept waking up and having flashbacks. So I'm really tired and shaken. Not off to a good start, though I have my morning coffee- yum.
I'm seeing Dr/T sometime today, I think she said this morning. I might get to find out what happened in her meeting with the specialist. It will be interesting to know what he had to say and what his opinions on treatment are.
*sigh* another day... I don't feel up to doing anything. I feel overwhelmed/numb. It's odd.
Last edited by bleeding black : 03-05-2012 at 11:36 PM.
I saw T/Dr today and she didn't get a proper chance to speak with/discuss things with the specialist. Felt a bit deflated after hearing that. But they are going to try and reschedule for Monday. She said he wasn't sure whether he wanted to see me once more or not. It was a rough session - talking about flashbacks and memories.
Haven't had a good day. Lots of remembering, not much rest. Trying to distract and self-soothe but without much success. It's a hard day.
I am looking forward to the weekend though. I am seeing the Avengers tomorrow. Really excited about that. Then home for leave on Sunday to see the dogs and spend some time there.
I'm sorry I don't have much words I am afraid but wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. I can hear you've had a difficult day today so I'm really glad to hear you're looking forward to the weekend, the movies and the dogs and some time at home all sounds lovely.
Hold onto that when the days like this are hard. You can get through this and there are good bits coming your way. I've heard good things about the avengers, let us know how you find it :)
You've done well to try and distract and self soothe today, I'm sorry that it hasn't been helpful and with such a hard day I suppose that is hard, but really I am glad you were able to try even though you felt so bad. Hopefully if you keep trying they will either help or at least lessen how difficult this feels.
The Avengers was great - loved it. Spent a lot of time walking around the city and was having body memories so that sucked. Not feeling the best tonight. But home tomorrow.
I'll try holding onto the good things when things are hard.
I'm being moved to the High Dependency Unit room right near the nurses station tomorrow. A bit dissapointed because I thought I was going home soon, not getting moved up on the risk assessment thingo. So I've been packing up all the stuff I've accumulated over the six or seven weeks I've been here (one handed). I'm exhausted. And keep getting flashes of memories that are really effecting me.
Thanks for saying I did a good job trying to distract and self-soothe. Hard times.
Dash,
Thanks for replying.
I agree,it is only a short term solution but I'd rather the consequences of a cast and the protection it provides to being constantly hurt and in pain.
Thanks. I've had an alright weekend so far. Been pretty distracted.
Not looking forward to tonight, not sure why, just feels ominous. Not liking that.
I have an appointment with my Dr/T this afternoon to talk about what the specialist said and I'm quite nervous about it. I wonder what his views/opinions are. And what my treatment will be... And if I'll see him again.
Had a bad nights sleep which isn't helping my mood or anxiety. Am remembering some particularly difficult memories at the moment. I'm trying to stay present and grounded. I don't want to remember!
I am pretty excited about being home, I was so sick of it in hospital. But I have no idea how I am going to manage by myself. I don't really have a plan or anything.
I'm seeing my Dr/T twice a week for a little while. So hopefully that will help.
I've been out for almost a week now. Things are hard. I'm enjoying the freedom but I'm still struggling with the same stuff. So it's hard. Flashbacks, switching and my hand is still being hurt. Plus the eating issues.
I enrolled in an online writing course which is helping me stay distracted and is really good, but things are rough.
I'm seeing my Dr/T today so I will talk with her about it all then.
Feeling really flat and depressed most of the time.
Sorry I haven't been responding here, but I've been checking out your thread in the ED forum. I haven't seen you update either for a while and so I thought I'd let you know that I was thinking of you, and wondering you how are doing?
Hey Aimee,
I've been having a rough time. DID stuff, flashbacks and body memories getting on top of me. Plus everyone is telling me I'm not eating enough.
I had a blow up with mum over a printer installation CD, she ended up screaming at me and saying really cruel things. Told me to f*ck off and 'you are 22 start taking some f*cking responsibility' I don't know what all that was about. I ended up just walking off.
She actually apologised though, which isn't typical of her when stuff like that happens.
I'm just struggling.
And not knowing when all this change over stuff with my Dr/T is going to happen is making me really anxious.
Sorry to hear you're struggling, but am glad to hear from you. Sounds like things are really difficult for a whole host of reasons :( And fighting with your Mum wouldn't have helped either, especially which such hurtful things she has said. I'm sorry she said those things to you, walking off was a good move. It sounds like if she apologised she didn't mean the comments (even though I know they're still hurtful).
For what it's worth, you reach out for support when you need it and to me, that shows you're taking a lot of responsibility, and that's only the small section of life I see through here. And you are doing that writing too - how's it going?
The change over would be tough, especially as it's all in the air at the moment. Do you know what is happening, are they still searching for someone?
Guess I just wanted to let you know I am here. Struggling is difficult and you deserve to feel better than this. But until you do we're here the whole way to try and help you feel a bit less struggley.
Thanks, things are hard. The fight with mum sucked. I think she has some resentment for me because I am sick and that's why she went off, a friend suggested maybe she feels guilty for not being able to protect me and is inadvertently taking it out on me.
I think I'm pretty responsible too. Thanks for saying that.
The writing course is at a standstill because I can't login. They got IT to have a look and now they are saying there is a problem my end, but I have no idea how to rectify it. They can login under my username and password but I can't.
They are still searching for someone yes. Dr/T told me she was looking into someone from the same clinic who specialises in DID and extreme abuse. They were supposed to meet the Tuesday just passed, so hopefully I'll hear something about it when I see her today.
Thank you for letting me know you are there, it means a great deal to me.
It went ok, I got drowned because my cheap umbrella broke. But the appointment itself was fine. Nothing majo to report. Still don't know anymore about this new Dr business.
The login stuff still isn't sorted which is such a pain. I've tried a few browsers, no avail.
Mum is a bit calmer now though she went a bit mental over a miscommunication with my step dad and said her life was a bitch and she wished she would get run over by a bus. I talked to her about her seeing someone again and she said to me 'why would I pay someone to do that when you can do it for free' so she basically wants me to be her therapist. Not cool.
I'm feeling really unloved at the moment and got in contact with someone I probably shouldn't have. I just needed to feel loved.
Firstly, it's not a load of crap, what yo have to say is important and there's a lot going on for you right now. You deserve to speak out and be heard about this.
I think that it is unhelpful what your Mum said, and that she outwardly said she'd use you as a therapist. Do you think she does that sort of thing often? You have enough going on in your own life without her elevating to therapist level. Have you or anyone ever spoken to her about the way she treats you?
(My mum used to do the same and when I was in the adolescent unit a therapist noticed and spoke with her about it, I'm just wondering if this has ever happened with you).
This person you contacted; are you safe? I'm sorry you're feeling unloved, I know the feeling and it can be very isolating. But remember if you need to reach out, we are here for you to help you the whole way.
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teehee! Take care buddy, remember we're here for you, you never ever need to apologise for posting. I'm glad you did x
Last edited by Snow White. : 27-05-2012 at 10:50 AM.
Thanks Aimee,
I really appreciate your ongoing support.
Unfortunately yes my mum does that sort of thing a lot. She treats me either like a friend or a therapist. No real parenting. I've spoken to Dr/T about it, mostly to vent and she says how inappropriate it is and that I need better boundaries with mum. No one has ever commented to my mum about it, so it's just me. I'm sorry your mum used to do the same thing.
The person I'm in contact with now is probably the least safe person I could have turned to. But yes for now I am safe, as safe as I can be. I just needed to feel loved, and I'm kind of getting it now, though the only person I've confided in about it (my ex girlfriend with whom things are very complicated) says how much of an unsafe and bad idea it is. But I don't know, the person is a 4 hour plane ride away so I'm pretty safe, they also don't know where I live.
That picture is amazing! It is going on my wall! Thanks!
Again, I really appreciate your support Aimee, I'm sorry I'm not much use at the moment, I'll try harder.
You don't ever have to 'try harder' to be of use. You're of enough use already :) Please, do trust me on that. I know that we're both struggling and that the mutual support is appreciated, but in no way do you have to reply to my threads or anything like that. I know you're having a hard time and it would make me sad to think you were 'trying harder' at the expense of looking after yourself. You come first here with your own energies, put them to use on looking after yourself as best you can.
I'm really glad you like the picture! Though it would make you smile :)
I'm glad the person is physically far away from you right now, and unsure of where you live, but I still urge you to treat any communication with them with caution. They don't have to be physically near you to make you feel upset or unsafe. Maybe now you've got a bit of that loved feeling, you could pull back the communication and slowly let it fade? You don't have to.. but it's just a suggestion because it sounds like people who know the situation, you and your ex, both think it is unsafe.
As for the boundaries with your mother, it's true better boundaries would help but they don't need to come from you, they need to come from her too. Have you ever spoken with her about it? Perhaps if she makes another obvious comment about you as a therapist you could gently tell her how you feel and the pressure it places on you, especially when you have enough to deal with.
I'm glad I'm of some use. I really will try harder without using energies I need to look after myself.
I absolutely love the picture. It is amazing. Big smiles.
I've made things really complicated with the person I'm in contact with. Part of me thinks I'm the stupidest person alive, one with a death wish and the other is enjoying the love and attention that I'm not getting from anywhere else. It's so pathetic, so very pathetic. My mum would go nuts and probably do something like kick me out if she knew. Because it's very stupid in rational mind and that's just the kind of way she would respond.
And my Dr/T would probably hit the roof too and tell me how unsafe it was. Especially with the "memories" that have been coming up.
But I can't back off now... I'm so stupid. I'll probably just get stupider and stupider. Oh what the hell am I doing?
I haven't really felt able enough to say anything to my mum, our dynamic has been this way for so long. Plus she doesn't have anyone else to talk to. She barely has any friends, my step-dad has Aspergers so doesn't really get emotions, which mum has a lot of and she won't see someone. So I'm really her only support. And I feel responsible for her and her well-being. Which I know I shouldn't but I do. It's a bit of a mess.
I haven't been sleeping well. I've been up till 3am or 5am the past week. My mind just won't stop. And I'm barely getting anything done, apart from my domestic duties around the house.
I should be writing more. That's what I am supposed to be doing. I'm not looking after myself very well, forgetting to refill prescriptions, not eating or having my sustagen. I just forget. I think I'm pretty dissociative at the moment.
Sorry for the huge post.
Thanks again Aimee.
Ash
Last edited by bleeding black : 28-05-2012 at 11:22 AM.
Reason: Had to finish
I'm very concerned by the sounds of the contact you're having with this person, it sounds very dangerous for you. Are you able to discuss it with your Dr/T at all? Although I don't know this situation and the extent of your discussions, in most cases it's never too late to back off. You're not committed to continue with this until bad things do happen. I hope you know that. Maybe try reducing the contact a bit?
Things sound really difficult in most aspects of your life with your sleep and eating and the relationship with your Mum. What do you think might help you to look after yourself a bit better at the moment? If you're forgetting due to dissociation, is there anything that can help you remember during these times?
I hope you're doing okay, please keep us updated.
Thinking of you x
I can't discuss this with T/Dr. She wouldn't understand and would probably tell my mother since my safety is involved. But I am safe at the moment. Maybe I could reduce the contact. I know I should, but I don't want to...it's giving me something I'm not getting from anywhere else.
I suppose things are pretty difficult at the moment. I hadn't really realised. I'm not sure what would help me to look after myself... I really don't. I wouldn't have a clue.
