I don't like looking at them. Makes me feel sad. I really admire people who can wear their scars with pride though. Was in a shop yesterday and there was a lady there with loads of scars over her arms, and I really admired her for doing that. Don't think I'd ever get to that stage.
I think about this too. I always try to remember what it was like when I didn't always have to worry that someone would see my legs or my arms.
And if I see someone else's at first I expect there to be scars, but once I see just a plain leg I get kind of jealous and try and remember mine like that.
I used to keep one arm clear which was better as I could wear an armwarmer on the scarred/cut arm and get away with short sleeves like that. However, I went through a bad time this year and started on the other arm and my upper arms so I'm just going to have to hope they fade as much as possible. I'm determined to wear short sleeves next summer except around my nieces and nephews.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I've had scars all my life from various surgeries, and the ones I have from cutting you can hardly see. Looking at the scars doesn't make me sad, but seeing them fade does.
Last edited by Celticroots : 16-01-2012 at 04:12 AM.
Hey hon, I know how you feel, I don't actually remember my body without scars, and I probably never will have a clear body again, it does depress me, it does upset me, I have been bullied for it, both from family and others.
I also find myself scanning other peoples bodies for scars/wounds, kinda automatic thing for me, I wonder if other people are suffering from MH problems as well.
I do sometimes wish I had a clear body, so then I could wear shorts/tops/dresses without having to wear leggings/jumper over, wish I could wear a swimming costume, wish I didn't have to cover up in the summer and feel absolutely sweating because of it, etc etc.
Lots of things us who self harm and have scars wish we could do.
A reason for me in why I crave to have scars/wounds everywhere, is that I want to have my outsides look as chaotic(I don't know the word to use here)as my insides are.
I just want to scar and injure my body and skin and have them everywhere,
do you think that may be the case for you?
Do you know why you feel you can't stop?
I won't say I don't find comfort in seeing the scars/wounds on my body, it's hard to explain, and it may trigger others, but do you think that's relevant for you too? Do you find comfort in your scars/wounds?
Perhaps you feel you succeed at something with your self harm, and feel you've accomplished something?
There are a lot of things that could factor in to why you self harm and keep self harming despite how badly your body is scarred.
You have to really dig deep and explore the reasons for your self harming(if you want to do that), it can be painful or maybe even shameful, but it might help to know why you self harm...
I don't know Laura and Sarah. I guess the marks is part of it. I guess I find some comfort in the wounds, especially when I have harmed worse than usual. There is a line in Harry Potter (of all things),something like 'finally the appearance reflects the madness within'. I guess that is part of it too. I also use self harm as a 'pay off' when I do something positive and to try and control things and keep people safe. It is almost like an obsession, I think about it multiple times a day, even hour. I know I need to try and reign it in because nobody will touch me for individual therapy until it is less 'dangerous'. I guess I just don't know how to and I also don't really want to because I've been doing it so long there seems no point and I don't know how I would be without it, plus the fact I feel physically unwell when I don't do it for a while.
I feel like i should write a bit in this thread in the hope that it might show people that there is hope.
I have been a cutter for 15 years, half my life. I used to be really, really ill. I cut deep and i used to cut a lot. Several times each day. Spent most of my time in the A&E being patched up. But half of the time i never had wounds tended to as i didn't like to go to A&E. Everything in my life revolved around cutting. When i woke up in the morning i started to plan my first cut. Then i would cut later on too to calm down. Then i'd cut later again for same purpose. ANd when the day finally came to an end i would lie in bed and plan how and when i would cut when i woke up the next day.
I spent endless afternoons at the A&E, at my gp or wherever else they would treat my wounds. I spent endless hours tending to wounds myself. I spent an endless amount of money on steri strips, on wound bandages, on blades, on disinfectant, on everything you need when you cut.
And i never thought, NEVER, that i would ever break free from this hell. But somehow, as i started getting better, i found i could go a day without cutting. Then i could go two days. Then three and etc etc..... And without really realising i have now come to a place where i can say i haven't cut for a long time.
My arms are horribly scarred. But recently i have been told, much to my surprise, that surgery can fix it. I never dreamed it was possible to fix something this bad. But it is. And i have made an agreement with my therapy people that if i abstain from self harm for the next 6 months then they will help me to get surgery to fix the scars. And i believe i can keep my part of the agreement. This is something i would have never believed just 3 years ago. But sometimes, things change. Circumstances change. ANd sometimes you are given a second chance.
I am proof that there is a way out of this hell. I doubt anyone thought i would make it back when things were really bad. I doubt anyone thought i would ever stop cutting. But i have. I thought i didn't care about myself or how i ruined my body. But as i have gotten better i have often felt remorse for the scars i have put on myself. I started to care about myself again and i got sad that i had ruined my arms so thouroughly.
I know as well as most of you, that when you are in the middle of it, it is hard to really understand the consequences and it is hard to imagine that you'll ever reach a place in your life where you will wish for the scars to be gone. It is hard to imagine that you'll ever care about how you look again. It's hard to imagine that you might come to a place where you will have made your last cut. But i have the hope that most of you will see that day. And if you do then there might still be a possibility that you won't have to live with horrible scars for the rest of your lives....
Sometimes I think that way, about how it would be to have no scars.
Sometimes I completely forget, they're just always there, nothing I can do now, and so I want to wear a T-shirt or something and roll my sleeves up, and would be okay but then I see other people's arm and get really self-conscious. I can handle the questions, but I get a guilty feeling of "It's not fair on someone else to see that kind of stuff"
Quote:
Originally Posted by redrosesandhurricanes
I also find myself scanning other peoples bodies for scars/wounds, kinda automatic thing for me, I wonder if other people are suffering from MH problems as well.
I do this as well. I see injuries and wonder if they were self inflicted.
"Alright, gang. I'll ignore that some of you are late... if you ignore that I'm the latest."
My feeling about my arms and scars change frequently. I have weeks when I hate them and am ashamed. I have times when they are beautiful. I have one clear arm and sometimes I just stare at them, side by side, and look at how beautiful they are. I don't think there is a wrong way to feel about your scars, just be gentle on yourself. I completely understand thinking about what you would look like Clean of scars and what you have come to look like. Especially because of the need to think about clothing for concealing injuries, I think all self harmers, at least at some time, get focused on the appearance of their skin.
Silence can be golden but gold can sometimes suffocate
Like that girl in that James Bond film, too late to respirate
Tragedy can be plain to see with lights and sirens
But sometimes it ain't quite so clear, Domestic Silence
~Scroobius Pip
Natasha Bedingfield springs to mind "my skin is like a map where my heart has been. And I can't hide the marks but it's not a negative thing"
One of my arms is completely clear, the other has scars, and both of my legs are scarred. I'm so used ot having my arms on show that it doesn't really affect me - my friends don't notice anything different anymore. With my legs I'm more nervous and I do wonder what they'd be like scar free, but the scars on my legs are a lot older and so my legs are almost beginning to look normal ish again. Apart from one scar, which I realise now I should have had stitches in, and that one makes me wonder what my legs would be like without it, because it mishapes my leg :(
I'm coming up to 8 months free now, and I still get triggers, but just remembering how much things have faded reminds me I don't want to go back to bright red scars.
"Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living."
I have definitely been there before.
I used to have a really bright modeling career ahead of me, but when the cutting became more apparent, and I started cutting in more obvious places, I pretty much kissed that idea goodbye.
I don't like comparing my arms or my body to other's. The way I see it, they don't know how I feel, so obviously, they aren't hurting themselves. And it's not like I wore a lot of short sleeves anyway. I tend to wear mostly jackets and long sleeves because I am generally insecure about my arms, scarred or not.
I do that. I cut on my legs, and I always look at other people wearing shorts and bathing suits and wondering what it would be like without the scars. I've warn a bathing suit when I was going through periods where I wasn't cutting and it was just scars, but not recently. My legs right now are just scars as I've stopped cutting, but there are a lot of scars and even the old ones are still incredibly noticeable. I don't mind my scars if no one I care about has to see them, but if someone I care about sees them, it makes me sad and uncomfortable.
