I think it's perfectly normal to on one hand feel happy for friends and family and their successes and at the same time feel bad that you're not successful (yet) in the same areas. I feel the same way often. I think it also clouds what we're actually successful at. And in your case, it's still being a kind, caring person despite all of this. Because I know that I've mostly become a bitter, angry person because of others' successes in areas that I fail at...so it says volumes about your character that you haven't become that way.
hi i dont say much on here never really know what to put !! but reading through ur posts has moved me ... please dont do anything to hurt yourself ,u seem such a lovely person and it seems u help so many people on here , please keep safe sending lots of hugs to u xxx
How are you, Roiben?
Am worried about you. You are such a wonderful person and such a support about here, always.
Pls let us know how things are, if you can, ok?
Thoughts are with you.
xxx
I am still here... not entirely sure how, or why. I think I got through by putting everyone else first.... just under a month before Christmas, my bf's Mum had a stroke and she got out of hospital the Tuesday of the week of Christmas, so I think I spent a lot of Christmas focusing on my family visits and putting on a front for them, and then on my bf when I spoke with him as he spent Christmas round his Mum's. I kind of felt like I had no right to fall apart, no space to feel what I felt while Christmas was going on. I had to be strong for everyone else.
Now, having spent the New Year weekend with my bf and meeting his Mum etc I feel like I am exhausted and have used up all my reserve of strength.
I am home now. Everything feels like it is crumbling around me and I just want to scream and cut and curl up. Doesn't help that over the two weeks of Christmas and New Year my blood sugars kept crashing out (my parents called an ambulance at one point) and my body has only just now decided it is because of menstruation.... so, I feel phsyically like ***** as well.
I am tired, so should sleep.... but I wanted to try and put something here as an update. To let you all know I have read your comments and have not forgotten you... that I am still doing my best to fight this thing..... sorry for not having better words, or being more coherant.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
I'm so sorry, I've only just seen this. I don't come into vets often.
Imsorry to hear you've been physically unwell on top of everything. Pease knowim always here if you wanna pm me or anything at all. Youve been such a great support to me xxxx
My mood has completly bottomed out, and I know this as I am thinking things with certainty that I only really think of so much when my moods are this low.
Things like the fact that I shouldn't be here, that I should have died when I was 4 and that science should not have got in the way of what nature desired. Maybe I should just stop my meds and let nature do its thing...
That I am a bad person for being here, that I take resources from people that I have no way of giving back. That I will never be the person they want me to be and I will always end up dissapointing them. I need to lose weight, to get a house, to build a family and a life for myself - but none of those things will ever happen.
I know that I do my best to help others and be a nice person, but I feel like it is just a faint disguise to hide exactly how horrible and disgusting I really am, and somehow, that just makes me worse, because I am deceiving you, surely?
I have really strong sui and si thoughts right now and am writing this with eyes blurred by salty tears. I am too tired right now, and fighting is hard. I am trying, I just don't feel like I am getting anywhere, and it would be so much easier to just ... give in.
I am sorry for wasting your time.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
The things you think of with certainty; is that suicide? The 'Ppl would be better off' kind of thoughts?
I believe you are here for a reason. I understand thinking that at birth(and onwards), things should have 'gone the way they started'...hope I have that right? But, they didnt, Roiben.
For a reason.
Taking but not giving back...that left me going..."WHAT??"
You give so very much here, more than obviously you realize. You are always there, fior the scared 'newbie' or the 'oldie'; you always reach out, reassure, encourage. No matter how you are doing at that time.
Never asking for anythign back.
I understand the wondering why ppl like you; surely, they must be 'wrong' or 'deluded' or, or, or....
It would be easier to give in...but the world would lose such a valuable, unique person if you did. Personally, that thought scares the hell out of me.
I would hate to lose you, so very much.
You are worth too much to lose.
Pls feel free to ctc anytime ok?
The things you think of with certainty; is that suicide? The 'Ppl would be better off' kind of thoughts?
Yes, I do mean that kind of thought.
Quote:
Originally Posted by romperfry
Taking but not giving back...that left me going..."WHAT??"
I think for this, it is a lot more to do with things like my finances, where I have been bailed out of debt by my parents, and things like that. I have kind of got to the point where I can never pay back enough and feel like all I am doing is draining the resources around me (my parents, the NHS etc) and however much I may try to be a good person and to be helpfull and kind, it will never be enough.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
I keep fliting between wanting to take a zopiclone and going to sleep as it is the safest thing to do and wanting to tear myself to pieces and just get it over with.
I can't do this anymore and whichever way I loo at it will come back round to the same thing.
The choice seems to be between the fast way, or the slow way...
Last edited by roiben : 06-01-2012 at 01:08 AM.
Reason: Added a bit
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
A brief moment of lucidity so I will write here... maybe so I can't say it isn't happening?
I know I am exhibiting all the bad signs again. I am back to SIing regularly and wanting to in between. Back to sui thoughts and plans and actions (nearly took an od last weekend). Back to stockpiling.
A very small part of me knows I should get help, but a larger part does not believe it exists for me anymore.
Will stop rambling now, as my own typing isn't making sense and try focus on going back to my work day.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
I understand a lot of what you are posting. I do the same thing in times of extreme stress - suicidal thoughts and hurting myself regularly...I know things are bad for me when I'm hurting myself in work.
Re: feeling like the black sheep in the family and like a burden - I defintely get this. I'm back living at home again with my parents because I couldn't deal with living in a house share with my moods. I can't work full time in my current job and every evening I do nothing but watch tv. Fun.
If it means anything or helps anything at all - my sister recently became pregnant and had a baby. It gave me a big reality check also but I tried to get as involved in her pregnancy (and now baby's life) as possible. It's hard living 300miles away from each other but it really helped me to emotionally cope with my other feelings of 'oh crap I should really get my life sorted asap'. My enjoyment and love for my nephew has actually filled up my life, and outweighed any other opposite feelings of jealousy/envy/fear/anxiety.
I go through a similar thing yearly, it seems - so I don't think it is something a niece or nephew, or anything really will cure. I either have to ride it out and hope it doesn't take too long, or go with it (literally) and I kind of want to do the later.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
I got my prescription through today. I have a spare few pills and I am so tempted to take them at the moment. It was so hard to take my bedtime medicine and not just, keep going.
I need to sleep. So tired. Mentally, physically. I have been late for work twice this week as I just couldn't get out of bed on time. I hate being late, and really hate not doing well with work.
I am such a bad person, and a mess to boot. I have been on the verge of tears all day and have had the belief that I have done something wrong, but not being able to figure out what all day. It is horrible. Like a tight wrench in the chest. I don't mean to be so bad.
I am sorry, so so sorry.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
Thank you, it is nice to know that someone doesn't think I am bad, even though I find it hard to believe, and harder to think myself.
We are in one of our busy periods in work, but I may ask for a day or so off at some point. I know I am going to get some time of around my birthday (March).
I seem to be constantly tired at the moment, which doesn't help any. It makes everything harder, I think, as it is twice the effort to do anything. My mind is constantly streaming si and sui thoughts at me and ignoring it takes all the energy I have.
Had one of my routine blood tests this morning. Am sure the nurses are rougher if they know you si. I am hoping the results are good, as I have been trying to eat well and get my HbA1C to a good number - as my GP only ever sees that, and doesn't care about anything else, so if that is good and I still go and say I feel like crap, maybe he will listen?
My Psych wants to see the results as well. She wants to know what my thyroid is doing (I am always borderline underactive, so take thyroxine and they say this is what causes my depressiion). I think she is also wanting to see the results before she will put me on an AP.
Sorry I am not around here very much. I am really struggling through this month and sometimes don't have the energy, and other times I just find being here sets me off - Which then makes me feel guilty as I want to help people, and to take the time to respond on here. I must try harder.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
