I'm homeeee from IP. - Page 2

Merc · 06-12-2011, 10:32 AM

^^that. I really hope you can find that person again, trust that person again.
Live again.
xxx

Buttercup. · 06-12-2011, 05:56 PM

Love you, girl. Thank you for that. You make me smile. I'll text you in a bit.

I have my appointment at the ED center today where I was doing IOP before I went IP. And unfortunately, there..it IS all about numbers. I tried to load up on fluids to see if it would put me up to the weight I need to be to be allowed to get treatment at their facility..not working. So, this appointment is pretty pointless. They are just going to refer me IP again most likely. Or just tell me to give up on treatment. I vote for that one.

Ugh. I'll update later. Lovelove.

UnanimousAnonymous · 06-12-2011, 08:08 PM

*hugs* im sorry i dont have any words jess xx

[LittleMonster] · 06-12-2011, 08:21 PM

<3
Please try to be strong.
You are worth so much more than this
xxx

Buttercup. · 06-12-2011, 09:44 PM

Even though I am under the weight required for the program..she is giving me a chance!!! She is having me do IOP again. I start tomorrow. She said if I can work hard on my meal plan and drink additional supplements with the goal of 'weight restoration' I can do the program..but if she doesn't see progress she's going to put me IP again. Soooo I guess we'll see.

UnanimousAnonymous · 06-12-2011, 09:51 PM

This is good jess, they are giving you a chance, please try this. You can do it, you can xx

Voldemort · 06-12-2011, 10:59 PM

I know I don't know you, Jess, but I was so sorry to read about what happened. I still don't understand how they can justify that.

I'm glad you're being given another chance at IOP. I know it's scary, but I hope you can try. You deserve to live and fighting an ED isn't living, really, is it? You can get through this and live the life you want. I really hope it goes ok for you.

[LittleMonster] · 06-12-2011, 11:40 PM

You can do it Jess!
Try your best, it must be better than IP
xxx

All I know is falling. · 07-12-2011, 04:32 AM

You can do this <3 I am so proud of you. Fight for your chance to be happy.

HopeRises · 07-12-2011, 03:20 PM

I am joining the 'you can do this' Clan.

I am glad that they are giving you this chance. Grab it with both hands try and banish this negativity about not wanting to recover because I know it's not really true, if you read this thread through you can see that there are contradictions. I know it's alot easier said than done though so please, work with your team, your family and your friends to get the support to stick at this and do what you need to do to give the happy, healthy,awesome Jess a chance.

Love to you xxx

fragile as glass · 07-12-2011, 03:57 PM

Hey, they may have treated you badly IP wise but WOW with your OP program. You have/had so, so ,so, much help set up for you, more than I ever knew someone could get. It's such a shame that you haven't worked with all of them fully and got somewhere.

I believe you will get a lot better or even recover but you have to put the work in too, you have to want it too.

If you didn't have strength, determination and reasons for living I'd say, what you do is your choice. But from the way you talk you're intelligent, you are very underweight yet still attractive enough to have a boyfriend, you are sociable as you have so many friends. You have too much to lose girl. People like you have so much to offer both to themselves and others.

Pick yourself up, dust off your knees and keep going and one day your hard work will pay off. You CAN do this, you CAN get weller or even RECOVER! I know it's a cliche but some people don't get half the help you get or they don't get the help in time. Yes they were wrong and foolish and playing with fire to discharge you in the condition you are/were in but you had an amazing OP program.

Revival · 07-12-2011, 04:46 PM

*jumps on the bandwagon* I know that you can do this Jess, and I care about you so much I couldn't bear to lose you. You have a really good opportunity here, please take it and let them help you beat this ED. I know how hard it is, I do, but you can do it. Love you <3

Buttercup. · 07-12-2011, 05:38 PM

Thank you all so much for the words of encouragement. It is so helpful to know so many people are behind you. I have tried a little bit of my meal plan today and soon I think I'm going to prepare my snack and dinner for IOP.

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fragile as glass · 07-12-2011, 08:03 PM

nothing is leaving your body because your body needs it at the moment so its clutching onto anything and everything it can get. Drink plenty (pref little or no caffeine in it) and you will end up peeing. Eat regularly and you will poop. You're just not eating regularly enough and drinking regularly enough yet

Buttercup. · 08-12-2011, 03:13 AM

So, the emergency room called today. The reason I'm not peeing is because I have decreased kidney function and a antibiotic resistant infection. I've been peeing blood the past two days. They did mention admitting me if things continue getting worse or the antibiotics don't end up working. So, they are checking things out again on Friday morning.

IOP did not go well at all. I cried at each meal and ended up doing supplements in a separate room 1:1 with a staff member. I ended up getting really anxious after dinner and the staff left the group room for a minute and I just left.

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They called me and asked me to come back but I said no. So tomorrow I see my therapist there during the day and then I'm still expected to attend IOP after. But I'm going to talk to Liz about it and see what she thinks. I don't think I'm ready for this. I almost just want to go back to Alcott...I never transitioned off the tube to real food. Not even close. This is not enough structure. I ****ing hate my insurance :(

Buttercup. · 08-12-2011, 07:38 AM

Love you Carmen. I don't even know at this point. I DON'T want to be in the hospital for Christmas. I've already ****ed my family over enough. They keep doing the..you know this isn't just affecting you..it's hurting the whole family. I KNOW MOM, THANKS FOR REMINDING ME SORRY.

But I am getting worse!!!! I really am. I mean I've tried eating. I've tried doing my supplements. Sometimes succeeding sometimes not. The thing is, when I do succeed I always engage in ED behaviors.

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Such a big part of me wants to just quit treatment all together..I mean I'm wasting everybody's time if I'm going to keep carrying on like this. I mean I didn't even try to fight the urges tonight. Although I have managed to stop myself from purging since I've been home. Do I want to get better? What the hell do I want?

I'm at that point where I feel like my body is invincible. What I'm doing isn't going to really hurt it. Nothing bad could possibly happen. That's how I feel right now. I need somebody to punch me in the face? Reality check me? Or is this feeling real? Am I better? I feel like my ED is making me stronger?

Buttercup. · 08-12-2011, 08:06 AM

Thanks Carmen that helps a lot. And it's so true about my bbrain not functioning right. I remember in the hospital I was told constantly that I was having even more distorted thinking and mood problems because my brain was affected by the malnutrition. My nurse erin would always say the calories go up to your brain not down. Feed your brain.

I just wantt this all to stop.

fragile as glass · 08-12-2011, 01:07 PM

To me you sound like you don't want to get better.

On the flip side it sounds like you're too ill to make your own decisions now.

Buttercup. · 08-12-2011, 04:13 PM

Of course I WANT to get better. This is no way to live.

I'm just so deep in my ED and it's so strong. I AM trying to fight back. I mean I'm doing my best with at least trying my meal plan and drinking some supplements. It's just that I'm so impulsive and out of control that I make unsafe decisions and engage in ED behaviors. A huge part of me does want to give up and let ED win.

HopeRises · 08-12-2011, 04:22 PM

It's good that your working at your meal plan and supplements Jess but then although some of the goodness might be getting in, it's only going to be a teeny tiny part if you keep purging and abusing laxs and things which kind of defeats the object. So is there any way you could make a plan to fight the impulses and get you into some sort of control?

Maybe making it so you don't eat a proper meal all at once and do it over time so you don't feel the need to purge? Or sitting with family/friends after meal times..maybe after your meal you could skype your sister or something so she can keep you distracted while the nutrients seep in?

I do think you've been put in a really **** situation but equally I believe you can do more to make the situation better and for you to win and not for the ED to win. I believe in you, I believe you can beat these urges and impulses, one at a time. Basically and I hate saying it but you need to, cause if you don't, you'll die and you need to use the support thats given to you to stop that from happening.
Fight on!