Just wanted to say I've read this. I do believe you about how hard you are trying to keep control of this and hold off from doing anything damaging.
I'm sorry the woman from the crisis team was so unhelpful. I've often found professionals useless when I'm in a crisis myself, so I can relate a bit to this. If they can't suggest anything that makes it better (which is difficult if they don't know you ) they ought to just listen with respect. You are a human being who is doing their best with a state of immense emotional pain.
It is a huge step (in the right direction) that you took, getting rid of some of your excess medication. People here are impressed and totally recognise what a big deal it is, and also how much it has brought up painful feelings.
You sound as though do have a good degree of ability to control the urges and not act on impulse. This is shown because you have resisted for quite a long time, although I would imagine this is wearing you out.
Please, please try and hold on until tomorrow. The feeling will lift at some point, and also you are going to see the psychiatrist and social worker and they may be much more helpful.
Last edited by Geranium2 : 31-08-2011 at 01:34 AM.
A huge well done for getting rid of some of your meds! I'm sorry you're going though all of this, I wish there was a simple answer to help you. Keep trying the distractions, you're doing really well for even calling them. I know distractions can get annoying but do whatever you have to to keep safe.
Thank you. I am not seeing my psychiatrist anymore tomorrow. I left a message to cancel about four or five hours ago. There is no point. I actually can't believe how unhelpful the crisis team are being (and I never thought that was something I would say). After nearly three hours of waiting for a call back I phoned them and on the sixth attempt got through to somebody who spoke to me about distractions etc again and then told me he wanted to speak to the 'shift supervisor' to get his opinion and would call me back in ten minutes if I could promise to stay safe until then. I assured him I could and 45 minutes later am still waiting for a call back. Oh and please don't be too 'proud' cos I already harmed earlier. I know I'm pathetic. I don't need reminding. At the moment I am struggling enough to try and shut out the 'more serious' thoughts. I can't believe I was weak and stupid enough to throw away any of those pillls.
Just noise all the time. Pathetic. I know. I just want to sleep. I need it all to shut up but no....just goes round and round and round like a giant circle, always there, never ending, just round and round and I can't take it. No....scratch that....I don't want to take it anymore. I just want it to stop.
Emma, I just read your rant...I'm so worried about you. Please don't do anything, you're (understandably) upset and might not be thinking clearly and calmly, don't do something now that you'll later regret. I know you think you regret it but anything bad could happen to you and none of us here want that for you. I think you should try go to your appointments tomorrow. I'm sorry I have nothing better to say.
Thank you. A rather frank exchange with the crisis team just brought me straight back down to ground. They mentioned their team coming round to do an assessment to see what I needed and I freaked. What am I doing? I don't want that! They mentioned talking to an out of hours GP on the phone before coming to see me and then 'taking things from there'. I need to get a hold on things one way or another. I spent some time reassuring them I just wanted to sleep, that I would be fine and promising to see my social worker in a few hours. Now I feel a bit stupid. At the time when the supervisor phoned back and mentioned all this I just wanted them to go away and leave me alone, before hand and now then I am not so sure. Although I guess they are for CRISIS and I am not immediately in crisis right at this second. I can control things. Kind of. Although I was not sure of that a few hours ago but I can, for now. Strangely being pissed off with them for not phoning when they said they would was kind of distracting (although definitely not something I would want again). I am just going to try and sleep for a few hours before social worker turns up. Uuurrrghhh. Such an idiot, I know.
Not an idiot at all. Just someone going through a lot of pain right now and trying to deal with it anyway you can. I'm glad you're a bit more on top of things now, good luck get lots of sleep and I really hope you wake up feeling a little better and more hopeful. x
****, i think you made a very big mistake here. I really really eally hope you can rectify this. I hope today went ok. Cancelling the psych was a mistake. We make mistakes. It doesnt make you an idiot. Perhaps irrational.
Im sorry you felt so bad. x
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Thank you. I saw my social worker and spoke to her about everything. She said we can rearrange my psych appointment next week and she will speak to the psychologist and explain about me getting rid of some of my meds and see if we can come to some sort of agreement so I don't get quite so freaked out. She said I had done really well and some other stuff. I hate it when people say nice things to me, I feel like I need to explain why they are wrong but then I worry if I do that then they will think I am just looking for more compliments which I'm not....I just want them to understand why they are wrong to say nice things. Does that make sense?
Anyway, yes I do agree that it was kind of silly to cancel and part of me is regretting it now. Social worker was much nicer and understanding about the harming and cancelling than I thought she would be (or I would be to anyone else) and hopefully her talking to my psych and the psychologist might help a little. She did say there are two programmes at the place my friend attends and she will discuss with them why I could not be referred to the one my friend is not at so I guess we will see. I kind of want it sorted sooner rather than later though because as of 1st October my CMHT is being totally jumbled up and I might have to change care co-ordinators and I'd prefer someone who knows me to try and arrange treatment.
I'm sorry, I'm trying really hard not to be negative and defeatist, I really am. This feels so uncomfortable though, it feels like even talking about this stuff, psychology etc is going against every part of my body and my head is screaming at me. I should be excited right? I'm not, I just feel guilty and weak and scared. The OCD aspect of my self harm is kicking in telling me I'm being selfish and that people might get hurt because I'm being too weak to harm properly and I need to punish. I'm sorry. I really am. My head just feels so scrambled and I can already feel things building again.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Ever feel you are doing the same thing over and over again?!
This is what I see is happening (and I could be wrong and it isn't meant to sound like an accusation or rude btw):
You ask for help, you're offered help, you get scared about getting help and its implications, you project your fear out onto other people and get angry at the people trying to help because you think they can't understand why you are scared, you get angry that what they are offering isn't right, you then get mad at yourself for being selfish and bad, which leaves you feeling guilty for not being able to be 'good enough', so you seek reassurance and 'check' the help is still there and you've not pushed it away with your badness (via crisis line), which leads you to connecting with help again, then you get scared about the help, which makes you angry......and back round the same loop over and over again.
Again, I'm not meaning to sound rude, just wanting to point out this push-pull type situation you seem to be always having going on. I'm not saying that your feelings about the situation aren't real or extremely powerful...just attempting to show you what you may be doing, so you can try and stop it. E.g. you got demoralised so cancelled your pdrs appt - essentially you pushed any help that could be offered away. In my mind rather than focusing on the self harm and reducing that, i'd be increasing all the things you could do to help yourself....such as attend appts etc. I'd do some stuff that goes against the grain abit. E.g. I always tell myself to attend appts even if it is the last thing i ever want to do, ever!
I understand it is hard getting out of the patterns in our heads.
Actually no, I don't think that is what I am doing. I have not missed a single appointment that I can recall since moving to this area in April 2010, nor have I turned down any help that has been offered. My social worker was fine with me missing the appointment because I do not do it regularly and I was not in a state to go, she even said that she agreed I would not have made the most of it hence why we she had no problem rearranging. What is it you think I have turned down? Yes I have turned down HTT and hospital before now. I am hesitant about this psychology group (which I have posted and said I will try and have tried to get rid of medication to enable me to do that) but my hesitation is valid....even my care co-ordinator, my old psych agree and my family and friends also think that individual therapy is what I need given that I have already tried groups more than once in the past and that on my Care plan it is says 'assessment for individual psychological input'.
I am intrigued why you have this opinion so if you could examples or explain further what 'this push-pull type situation you seem to be always having going on' is in your eyes. I have applied to go back to uni again part time in October, I've agreed to try to do the group and until Wednesday that I have not missed a single psych or psychology appointment that I recall. What is it that I should be doing that I am not?
Last edited by Pomegranate : 02-09-2011 at 03:52 AM.
How are you doing today? I was quite worried about you the other night. I know what it's like to think people are wrong when they compliement you, but try to think that they wouldn't go to the trouble of saying things if they didnt think they were true. I know it's hard, but you need more confidenece in yourself (I think most of us on here do too). Anyway, I hope you're ok.
I just spoke to the psychologist since she told me two weeks ago to ring her today. She told me a bit more about it, it is a 2 hour group once a week on a Friday. She also said that she has spoken to Social worker and her colleagues and if I start the course then they are aiming for me to see one of the group psychologists individually for an hour a week (this is not what I was told during the first assessments just to be clear). I am going to have a further assessment with her and someone else to discuss the course in more detail and so they can explain what is expected of me. She said she was not convinced I was 'ready' but she will give me a chance and put me through to the next 'stage' and if the other person agrees then I can try the course and it will either be starting in October or in March. I'm really nervous. I could do with some support if possible rather than 'don't screw it up' etc. Sorry.
No one is gonna tell you not to screw it up. Well not in those words anyways. :P
This sounds quite good to me. I like the added one to one and im sure that has appealed to you also? For now i would just keep going with the flow. stay in contact with whoever and let people know about the possibility of this course and what it could do for you. I know for me personally when i had people around who knew it kinda helped me stay on track as i didnt want to let them down.
If you accept the course and go on it you will be fine im sure. These things are never as bad as they seem. They are usually quite gentle and they will know what kind of people to expect and how to deal with them. the same old addage will apply as with anything like this in that there will be nothing they havent seen or heard before.
I know its not easy not to worry about it as i do the same with things so far in the future but try to keep real about the timescales. there is a long time between now and then and so try not to use up too much time worrying. there is nothing you can do yet.
I am wondering if some sort of affirmatin you could put on the wall could help? Im thinking something along the lines of "my course and the team i have around me have my best interests in mind. No matter how stressed or scared i get i will not act rashly without consulting my team"
I know thats kinda cheesy and perhaps cheeky from me, but things written when fairly sound of mind can last with you. It could be something you look at when you are thinking of quitting and telling them to all **** off that could bring you back down and prevent a load of unessessary trouble? Just a thought.
Take care and remember march is a long way away!
do someting nice today!
Matthew x
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I might try and make a little sign to tape to the back of my door. It could give me some encouragement as well to go into town and do a couple of tasks I have been putting off as I could buy some nice card and stickers and stuff for it. I think I may also try to make a list of counter arguments to some of the thoughts, or like reassuring things like 'Nothing bad is going to happen to anyone if we don't self harm...that is the *insertwordthatisnotillorunwellcosIhatethosewords* side of you talking'. I just feel a little pathetic for needing to do these things and I am SICK AND TIRED of the bloody 'thought voice' that keeps going on at me and gets worse whenever I try and do something 'positive'. My Grandma is unwell again and it keeps telling me it is my fault because I'm trying to do this course instead of doing what I deserve and hurting myself. This is the sort of thought that I would tell anyone else is incorrect and needs challenging so that means I should challenge it myself right?? Hmmm.
I am pleased about the individual aspect although she was clear that it will be mainly to discuss my feelings about the course, help me apply skills each week and manage any thoughts/problems the course may raise. It is not exactly what I ideally wanted but I'm certainly not going to turn my nose up at it!
I would love to just do something I want to do tonight, like curl up in my pjs with a load of wine and a new series of something. Unfortunately I am trying to reduce my alcohol in take (and I am ashamed to admit this) because I think I maybe, possibly, might have or be developing a problem with alcohol. Today is the first day in a while where I am attemping not to touch any alcohol at all and it is actually really hard and I don't feel physically very well and am also out of lorazepam (ironically considering the excess med issue).
I have decided I do not like today very much because of the above reasons combined with the lovely mental backlash of agreeing to this course (and therefore agreeing to try and control my self harm). In fact rather than feeling pleased with myself, I actually just want to cry.
Em you dont need to be ill to have positive affirmations pinned up arounf the place. Many successful happy people have them to remind themselves and to chanllenge the negative thoughts that can creep in. Its somethig i need to do myself.
Tell you what; you make one and i will make one too!
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Yeah...I'm not seeing a group psychologist individually after all. Apparently this was what they were aiming for but instead it has been decided today that my social worker will be trained to do 'applying skills' with me and we will meet once a week for 30 minutes to do this instead of my usual weekly meeting with her. If I do not adhere to sticking with her new role which will be 'strictly just to apply course skills' then I will be discharged from the group. NHS changes in my area from 1st October also mean that we now have to apply for funding from GPs who will decide a set length of treatment with the aim being to discharge more people to GP care to prevent 'dependency on support from the CMHT'. Oh and I will not be getting my support worker back because from the 1st October 'the role of your support workers will be changing'. My psychiatrist has also been changed. Who am I supposed to talk to about everything else and the actual issues I am having with my mental health? I'm really upset.
That sucks! They are changing my services too. Take what you can. I'm not sure how a GP cam decide length of treatment as most if not all have little our limited knowledge of mh issues. Is there anyone in services that can help you with the application?
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
