hey matthew. you haven't let anyone down. even in recovery you will experience ups and downs. this does not mean that the darkness is swallowing you up again.
i think this injury that you have sustained has gotten you down, more than you expected, probably. you are not really able to get out and ride and maybe you even resent riding because it is how you hurt yourself to begin with. also, don't discredit the effect that pain can and does have on your mood. once your body is on the mend, i think your mood/anxiety will be too.
i remember how bad my depression and anxiety got after i had surgery on my shoulder. i was in pain and depressed that i couldn't do anything for myself. i hope that you heal quickly and you will see that better times will come. in the mean time, remember that i said you smell.
^^i think she is right; pain etc can have such a terrible effect. It was so frustrating not being able to do things for myself, the pain/awkwardness that came with everything, to have to ask for help.
Are you talking to anyone about what's been happening/how you are feeling?
xxx
had no therapist for weeks. Dont see her again till the 18th August. And haventseen hersince mid june due to my stupid accident and her being away. Its all just **** **** timing.
thanks for the words. I know im being stuipid. Im so ashamed of who i am. Im ashamed at being so scared. I wish i could be a man.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
a man wouldn't be a real man unless they got scared sometimes. what is a man without emotion - a robot. what is a man without fear - a fool. what is a man without feelings - a shell. what is a man without love - dead.
love you xxxxx
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
Matthew, you aren't letting anyone down. Stop being so hard on yourself. Maybe you need to call somebody about the things you are thinking? *draws boobies on your cast*
Im sorry. I really am. I hate myself for every word i write here. Im struggling. Ive not felt this low and not harmed before but i cant harm in any way because of obvious reasons. I feel like reality and perspective have gone out of the window and i just wish i had someone next to me to help me up and out again. the constant battle i have within my head makes doing stuff so hard.
I feel so low but its not like the old days. I feel like im just moaning now. I know im a stuck record.
i cant find any compassion for myself. I dont know where it is. It doesnt help when you have an underlying fear of getting better! Basically thats it isnt it. ****ing idiot weak ****ing bastard!
Im dreaming of death all the ****ing time again and its the only thing i want but then i want nice things too but i cant make them stick.
Im a paradox! thats actually wrong. Im not at all, im just a whining little bastard.
there! a brief snippet of my head 24/7
Im not saying im different. I know you all suffer worse. i have it good. Im so sorry. I reallyhate myself and i dont know how to stop. i honestly dont know how to make it stop and no one believes me.
they dont believe me because i can be funny!
I dont believe myself becaus eim weak.
i dont even know why im writing this ****. I used to be 100 times worse and not ask for anything.
im a horrible person.
im not prepared to work at things and so what the **** do i expect? Huh?
I wish i could see myself right now. Id get a massive stick and beat myself so hard. the more i screamed for help and mercy the harder id hit.
**** i sound mad. im sorry
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Matthew, if it helps you to know that you arent alone..i too have a fear of getting better and if we both do then so do others...and it doesnt make you an idiot or weak...we cling to what we are used to and what we feel we deserve...why would we want to get better when we have all that?..
I may be wrong but i feel that the way you are feeling right now is partly due to not seeing your therapist. Youve not been able to share and discuss all your thoughts and feelings and the self hate and doubt then creeps back in
Wish I had the answer, I really do...but keep on posting hun. Let us support you....18th August is just around the corner xxx
Sorry for the last post. I kinda lost the plot and just typed the exact conversation i had in my head.
Rowie i do have a fear of getting better and perhaps a little is the "better the devil you know" thing but mostly its because im scared o f****ing up again. I know this sounds stupid but i feel brain damaged by the past few years.I dont think like i used to or remember stuff or cope or anything. I just totally broke down (similar to you) and im having to relearn all the basics and i feel like im failing at it. Its like i just lost how to live and function and i cant quite remember how it all goes. I feel like i havent moved on or learned from whats happened. I thought id be a better person and better able to cope?
Im scared because i guess ive always been scared all my life. Its just amplified 100 fold now.
I think this arm break has hit me hard. I stopped my medication to replace it with excercise and i had the depression controlled. not having my therapist is hard too as you rightly say. 7 weeks is a long time without.
I have to fill in my ESA form and thats had me terrified for months. I have 2 weeks to get it in. I saw my OT today who was totally ****ing useless. She doesnt listen to me, makes assumtions and cvhanges her story each time i see her. Shes lovely but she hasnt been right ever since she went off sick with cancer.
she scared me to death when i asked for help withthe form and she just went "OH MY GOD THESE FORMS ARE THE WORST THINGS TO FILL IN< WEVE HAD SO MANY PEOPLE BEINF REFUSED AND GETTING UPSET!. this wasnt what i needed to hear. Infact totally the oposite. She just said fill it in else you will lose your benefit. As if ididnt ****ing know that :(
I left in floods of tears as she just kept telling me to go back on my meds and that was the only thing she offered along side telling me i shouldnt have her care anyways because i have private counselling.
Basically because i have a therapist (that i pay for from my benefit), i am not entitled to any form of help.
Im going to Physiotherapy tomorrow for my finger. Im hoping this will be positive as i dont think i can handle another negative. Im going to Birmingham too on thursday to see my mum. I contacted friends also. so i actually managed a positive.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I can relate to so much of what you said in the first part of your post...especially having to relearn things and that you felt brain damaged.
I think you have moved on in that you are far more open about how you feel and youre not afraid to ask for help. As you say, if it hadnt been for the break in your arm you would be out exercising, enjoying the countryside, youre off your meds..all these things are great steps Matthew. You may not be where you want to be, but youre alot further on then when i first knew you x
As for your OT..ignore what she said...have a quick flick through the form and if it seems too much, then make an appointment with your nearest CAB and ask for their help...i know they can be really helpful...im on the old incapacity benefit..so i await my turn with this
Im sure there will be some good advice on it if you post for help on the mental health forum...i remember seeing a thread on it not so long ago
Well done on the positive Matt. I truly think it can help.
And you have learned to cope better.
You may not realize but you have.
The old you, would have been doing a heck of a lot more damage, which the phrase of, what does it matter anyway. The old you would not have left the house or even considered going some place else other than your bedroom.
Yeah Kim i know. I know im coping tonnes better. but its still hard you know? Infact its harder in many ways. the post i made yesterday was pretty much the battle i have in my head all of the time. Thats the kinda fight i have going to Asda to get some Pringles!
But the thing that i am most upset by is the fact i know ive improved and to me i think im totally fixed now andi get mad at myself because i shoudlnt be like this. just like you say i would have self destructed before. so , ok this time i destruct for a shorter time and dont harm and so i think im just making it all up.
Its wierd being this shitty low and not harming. I feel like im just being emo now.
I am totally lost actually. I have no benchmarks to my own self to know where the hell i am in all of this mess. My therapist says that i have kind of dissociated so far from myself to protect myself over the years that i find it almost impossible to hold onto my identity and use it to build from. I use dissociate in the generic ssense as im not alluding to a dissociative personality in any way!
in a nut shell if im not Oding, cutting myself to ribbons and not going outside for 3 weeks at a time except for therapy then im mended. (at least thats what my stupid head tells me)
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Matt, you dont have to be destructing to be struggling. You are allowed to struggle. It is normal. If you were finding this whole thing easy, then I would be worrying about you a heck of a lot more. To feel crap and depressed at having to put everything on hold, is normal. It is a normal reaction to the situation. Destructiveness and harming are not normal responses. Remember the whole normalizing thing of RYL! Harming is not normal. So it is a good thing that you are not doing it.
However, you have a lot of deeply engrained habbits. Habbits are not easy to over come, in fact they are often harder than addictions to break and you know how hard addiction can be. You have lived so many years putting yourself down, consumed by hatred, that the mere thought of any other prossible ways to think, would send you to melt down, which is why you never saw it, it was just normal.
But now, now you are having a battle in your head. A battle between the old you and the new you. Its not going to be easy, but nothing worth doing ever is. You will slowly break these habits. I know you will. But for now, you just got to keep batteling with them. And when you get your silly pink cast off, you can carry on with the things that make you feel happy, to counter act the bad things.
Now get your pengy arse onto msn, as I want to ask you something dwerp.
Feel Better Matt , I just made 1 month today , without your influence it would not have happened .*Hugs*
thank you :)
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Sorry don't have many words matt but if u need a man to man chat, feel free to PM me x
make it strawberry next time :P Cheers matey :)))
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I feel like im having to relearn also. alot of things have happened lately that have seemed to have taken my recovery back to years before...you arent alone Matt. plus you are still such an asset here and offering so much help to us.
