and now they finally know...**UPDATED - NEED HELP AGAIN - UPDATED 13.07**

[Heaven Knows]

Sorry to be posting here again - I started making a new thread but I really hate taking up space which other people need far more.
So, an update and I guess...just looking for maybe some support?
So, went to GP last week. I've been put on beta-blockers and sleeping tablets. Sleeping tablets do not seem to be working - have taken full dose sunday, monday and tonight but not slept for any of the nights. On a side note, got sick of being so tired on Saturday so ended up taking more than prescribed dose in the morning and sleeping all day. Probably didn't do me too good.
Anyway, not really the point of this post. I just wanted to see if anyone had been on this medication and had any issues?
I'm still on Citalopram (20mg) - anti-depressants, and I'm also on Propranolol (80mg) - betablockers for anxiety and Amitriptyline (10mg) - to help with sleep. I'm not sure whether this is because of the medication or because now I've finally admitted I'm struggling I'm finally letting it all out but I'm struggling worse than ever right now. The suicidal thoughts are more vivid than ever. I've planned it exactly - to the point of I know what I'm going to say if someone stumbles along before I've finished. I keep graphically seeing myself cutting. I know where I want to cut. How deep. How long the cut will be. How much it'll bleed. How I'll explain it and cover it up. Everything. I'm getting more and more paranoid - I think the phones at work are bugged by the police. I think my DR has put me on fake meds to see if I believe I'm getting better. I think my psych is just some random person not a MH person. Someone who's going to use what I say against me. To get me locked away. I think my managers are trying to trick me into messing up and quitting so they don't have to deal with me. I think Adam's cheating on me. Lying to me. When in actual fact it's me lying to him. About all of this. I think cars are following me when I'm driving to work. I think all the customers I speak to are actually just the different managers pretending so they can catch me out. I just...anyone been on any of these meds and can tell me how they reacted and whether this is because of the meds or that in actual fact my brain is breaking from reality?
Eurgh.
Sorry not much sense.
<3 x K x

[dontwantyoutoknow]

I took Citalopram at one point, but it didn't do much for me.

I take Propranolol though, and have done for quite a while. Do you have any particular questions?

In my experience, when you admit to a doctor that you feel depressed etc, you feel worse afterwards. I think it's like your mind's way of saying "Oh they know now, I don't have to hold it in any more. I don't have to pretend." And then all the mention that you'd locked away comes rushing out at you.

Going by what you've said about phones being bugged and people trying to catch you out and stuff, you could be experiencing paranoia and delusions as a part of the initial few weeks of the meds (they make you worse for the first few weeks). I would discuss it with your psych; and I would definitely discuss it with your boyfriend and parents. You'll get so much more support Katie.

I care about you, and I couldn't bear for anything to happen to you.

Please know that you can always PM or whatever. x

[Heaven Knows]

I will PM you MJ, if that's okay x

[dontwantyoutoknow]

It's more than ok xx