Why is it wrong to say Its Bad Parenting?

[Sunshine]

i amk pregnant at the moment and this thread has terrified! i constantly put myself down anyway so when i have a child aswell that i have to care for i will always think im a bad mother and people saying to me "yes you are a bad mother" is not likely to make me do anything better just feel depressed and self loath myself even more obviously i would care considerablly but it would probably send me into a sprial! and you will probably say that in itself is bad parenting but i have a mental health problem and my first response to anything bad is "oh i have to kill myself because im obviously not good enough" and i am going to therapy to try and sort that out and i want to change not just for my baby but for myself but its incrediablly hard when you have been like that since a child! i will probably at some point put bad parenting into practice but that doesnt make me a bad parent, just one who made a mistake! and im likely to do it more because of my mh problems which i am truely sorry for but being a parents is a scary and i imagine extremely hard prospect anyway so having people critise you will not help!

As you said yo ucan never take a break from parenting and i would devestated if my child grew up to say i was a bad parent!

my parents are wonderful people and they love me dearly, they have done things which have not helped me in the past and people have said to me "i dont understand why they wanted children when they treat you like that sometimes" but i would never ever say they were bad parents! that is just rude and disrespectful! i love themk so much i could never hurt them by saying it them and if i ever think it i feel extremely guilty! they have been through so much and are such strong people that saying they are bad parents is just horrible!

this thread has upset me (and sorry if ive taken it the wrong way) but now i am even more terrified of becoming a parent! its a really difficult job and i think people should respect that not just throw it back in there faces!

maybe i havent been hurt enough by my parents but even if i had i dont think i could ever say that they have just made mistakes! pretty big ones that have effected my life and my personality but i will forever thank them for being my parents because after all if they had not had me then i wouldnt be alive! (and i know all my suicide attempts in the past probably make people think i dont wish i was alive but when i think now how much that hurt my parents with constant hospital vists, having to lock there own daughter in her room, calling the police on me, thinking i was dead when i go missing i am truely ashamed and sorry that i have put them through so much!)

sorry if i got the wrong end of the stick

[Stellata]

Love can soothe a lot of wounds. I believe as long as your intention comes from your heart, that is what is important.

I have been, for a lot of my teaching career, a bad teacher. And sometimes that tears me up and makes me feel so ashamed.

[Margo]

This is nothing to do with calling anyone a bad mother. I've started this many times over and over.

perhaps re read?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunshine

i amk pregnant at the moment and this thread has terrified! i constantly put myself down anyway so when i have a child aswell that i have to care for i will always think im a bad mother and people saying to me "yes you are a bad mother" is not likely to make me do anything better just feel depressed and self loath myself even more obviously i would care considerablly but it would probably send me into a sprial! and you will probably say that in itself is bad parenting but i have a mental health problem and my first response to anything bad is "oh i have to kill myself because im obviously not good enough" and i am going to therapy to try and sort that out and i want to change not just for my baby but for myself but its incrediablly hard when you have been like that since a child! i will probably at some point put bad parenting into practice but that doesnt make me a bad parent, just one who made a mistake! and im likely to do it more because of my mh problems which i am truely sorry for but being a parents is a scary and i imagine extremely hard prospect anyway so having people critise you will not help!

As you said yo ucan never take a break from parenting and i would devestated if my child grew up to say i was a bad parent!

my parents are wonderful people and they love me dearly, they have done things which have not helped me in the past and people have said to me "i dont understand why they wanted children when they treat you like that sometimes" but i would never ever say they were bad parents! that is just rude and disrespectful! i love themk so much i could never hurt them by saying it them and if i ever think it i feel extremely guilty! they have been through so much and are such strong people that saying they are bad parents is just horrible!

this thread has upset me (and sorry if ive taken it the wrong way) but now i am even more terrified of becoming a parent! its a really difficult job and i think people should respect that not just throw it back in there faces!

maybe i havent been hurt enough by my parents but even if i had i dont think i could ever say that they have just made mistakes! pretty big ones that have effected my life and my personality but i will forever thank them for being my parents because after all if they had not had me then i wouldnt be alive! (and i know all my suicide attempts in the past probably make people think i dont wish i was alive but when i think now how much that hurt my parents with constant hospital vists, having to lock there own daughter in her room, calling the police on me, thinking i was dead when i go missing i am truely ashamed and sorry that i have put them through so much!)

sorry if i got the wrong end of the stick

[Bellatrix]

I'd be more likely to say 'this was an example of bad parenting' rather than 'you are a bad parent'.

Driving over the speed limit is evidence of bad driving. But that does not mean the diver is a bad driver all the time.

[troubleshooter]

Honestly, I don't think it's got to do with parenting or kids. I think it's got to do with our (western) society's pattern of not making people responsible for their actions. People are so much more willing to blame everyone else rather than say "I did this wrong, I messed up." People should be made to take responsibility, but they can be told to do so in kind ways. I mean you can say "You messed up that time and weren't thinking like a good parent. Now next time you really need to work hard to make sure you think of your kids first." That makes someone man up... but doesn't destroy their confidence either.

[Lou Lou]

Quote:

Originally Posted by troubleshooter

Honestly, I don't think it's got to do with parenting or kids. I think it's got to do with our (western) society's pattern of not making people responsible for their actions. People are so much more willing to blame everyone else rather than say "I did this wrong, I messed up." People should be made to take responsibility, but they can be told to do so in kind ways. I mean you can say "You messed up that time and weren't thinking like a good parent. Now next time you really need to work hard to make sure you think of your kids first." That makes someone man up... but doesn't destroy their confidence either.

I think this is a good way of putting it :)

I see a lot of "bad parenting" in my job. Like everyone else has said it doesn't make them bad parents but their choices or approach to things seem to be off. Some parents choose to put their kids into daycare even when they are off work (something which I am really not happy with!) others have chosen to smoke throughout their pregnancies. One parent even engaged her then 3 year old daughter in the process of her parents divorce...including letting this poor little girl see her dad's clothes chucked out the front door.

The problem with parenting (I think) is knowing when it is your place to step in? Maybe that's part of the problem. i know I could never call someone out on their parenting skills at work...much as I would like to. Even with friends or family, I wouldn't know when it was OK to say "You maybe should try this differently."
Plus parenting is so hard to get right. What works for one child and one family will not work for another. What one parent believes is right, another will not agree with. So where is the line and when can you simply not justify your actions (There are obvious examples, but I mean in terms of everyday "good" parents )

I was once judged very harshly by a woman online because I mentioned that I had stopped breastfeeding. The reaction I got from this person was immense and deeply upsetting, especially as I felt I could justify my decision. She obviously felt that to stop breastfeeding meant bad parenting. At the time I got incredibly defensive (in all fairness I still do now, but I can at least see the other side of the argument)
When it comes to your children, the most precious things in your world, it is very hard to hear a bad word said about you.

It would be fair enough to point out the mistakes a parent makes when they don't realise they're doing it. If someone already feels bad and guilty and are doing their best to remedy it, then what's the point in criticising them?
Not that I want to defend bad decisions. i am all for people hearing about where they can improve and understanding where they went wrong but people are far more likely to point out your mistakes than to compliment what you have done in raising your children! Just saying.

[Crysainta]

There are times when someone does something that is clearly bad parenting but many other times it is not so black and white. It's also likely people are going to be far more sensitive about it when the person accusing them of bad parenting has never been a parent. I'm not saying it's not possible to recognize bad parenting without having been a parent, but I think it's going to have more of an impact on someone if they hear it from someone with experience. I have no children. I probably wouldn't accuse someone of bad parenting unless it were a case of abuse. I've also never coddled anyone and pretended what they did was fine when they have admitted to making a mistake in raising their child, and if I had I would be ashamed of myself. Anyone who is guilty of that should answer to themselves and not assume that everyone does it.

[OkieDokie]

This thread really struck a chord with me. I recently got into a lot of trouble from my family for openly criticising my uncle and aunt's decision to allow their children (who are about 7-9 years old) to have their own Facebook accounts and be allowed to be on there unsupervised. I also tried to discourage the rest of my family from being Facebook friends with them, because I thought that this would make the problem even worse. Despite explaining as gently as I could why this was a bad idea, the only responses I got were that I should butt out cos they were the parents and they knew what they were doing, that I should just leave it alone and become Facebook friends with them, and that there was no reason why other people can't be friends with them. Oh yeah, I have no kids of my own, so what should I know? I was hoping that my own experiences of abuse would make them at least want to monitor the situation a little more closely, or at least turn up the privacy settings on their children's accounts (cos at the moment they're open for the world to see), but I guess my perspectives and experiences of child safety weren't enough. *shrug*

Don't get me wrong, I can keep my opinions to myself. If it was something minor, like I think the kids spend too much time on the xbox or they eat too much junk food, then I'd most likely keep my mouth shut; but when it comes to child safety I feel that something needs to be said, even if people think I'm "unqualified" to express such an opinion.

[Margo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by OkieDokie

If it was something minor, like I think the kids spend too much time on the xbox or they eat too much junk food, then I'd most likely keep my mouth shut;

This is so indicative of whats going on too. Why is it wrong to comment about this? Your kids are watiching too much tv and getting fat and reducing their ability to hold attention and are hyperactive and ontop of that you are filling them with salt and sugar and increasing their chances of obesity and illness...................

Perhaps i hold a totally unreal utopian view of things but surely this would help to be more open and forward when giving advice and criticism?

Look at this situation:

Your best friend is drinking half a bottle of whiskey a night. They are endangering their health and possibly the wellbeing of their family and friends also. It would be frowned upton to ignore some kind of intervention here wouldnt it? A chat or some words to try and help? but if we see our best friend giving their 3 year old cans of coke and a mc donalds every other day and allowing them to watch violent TV we sit and say nothing and go home and mutter utterings to our partners.

Something is wrong surely?

Sorry for the digression from the OP. ooh i AM the OP :P Go me for derailing my own thread!!!

[OkieDokie]

You're right in that people should speak up. However, there are reasons why people choose not to openly say "this is bad parenting, you need to change what you're doing" which don't stem from cowardice or apathy.

Relationship dynamics, for instance, usually dictate how far you can go before really crossing the line and risk being completely ignored and/or cut off from the family. For example, my relationship with my best friend is different from that between my uncle and myself. I can say whatever I want to my best friend and be reasonably confident that the message will get through but I can't say the same thing for my relatives. They are proud people who get easily touchy and defensive. If they sense the slightest hint of criticism the communication doors are shut. I have tried to tell them in the past that they should let the kids play outside more and even gave them recipe books that the kids could enjoy. Didn't work.

By all means, if you have the kind of relationship with the parents where you feel that openly criticizing them is going to make a change, then do it. But open criticism does not always work, even when it's said in the nicest way possible. Now I try a different approach by spending time with the kids themselves. We play in the backyard, go out to the park and the beach, watch cooking shows like Junior Masterchef, go out to restaurants and try healthy yummy food and cook things at home. The children realise that they actually like new things and then tell their parents, who actually listen to them. I guess that's where having your own kids would give more weight to your argument, cos the parents can see evidence of change rather than just take someone on their word.

I'm not saying, don't be critical or afraid to give advice. But it is important choose your battles, words and approach wisely if you want to create change.

[makedamnsure]

The problem is that everyone has different ideas on how to be a good parent. I know a very fat two year old but both of his parents are very overweight too. Despite advice from the health visitor and us that they and their child need to lose weight or suffer health risks they don't see it as anything more than the fact that he has "a healthy appetite".

People will raise their child in the way that they believe is right (or in some cases, gives them the easiest life) and won't pay any attention to input from anyone else for the most part.

[Margo]

Hehe okiedokie that sounds lovely. Can I come play too?