Your mistakes and your failings, but others mistakes and failings also. But you can not totally absolve yourself of blame or responsibility. Yes **** happens that we have bad reactions to and im not saying that its your fault. Neither am i blaming you for whats happened cus contrary to belief im not a hearless bastard.
But ONE DAY rowie you gotta drop the sorry for yourself routine and face facts! Its tough and it hurts but thats the reality.
You ARE partly to blame with some things that happened in exactly the same way that i am for some of the **** i did.
when you actually realise this and realise that this isnt an attack on you you will see things differently. you will take responsibility. you will stop hiding behind guilt and actually.
you have an oportunity here to get the **** sorted. you have an oportunity to actually be honest and open up. you have the chance to right all the wrongs.
Yes youve ****ed up but they will STILL LOVE YOU AND FORGIVE YOU, but not from your grave they wont!
teach your kids that mistakes can be rectified. teach them that we make em but we can change and try again to not do the same. Please for the love of god dont teach them to lie and hide and cheat and decieve and bottle it all up.
Take my words however you like. Im speaking from the heart and what i feel is right. Im saying it cus i really want to help. Im saying it because i truely believe that you need to see whats going on here. you need to be aware of the censequences. you need to take responsibility and want to take responsibility. Cus cutting and Od'ing and shutting off are not the right way.
You can do this, but only if you want to.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
But theres a few things id like to point out...i dont sit here and feel sorry for myself....I had a situation, I asked for help which i got and i acted upon it. I had a rough day with my youngest which could have been because of this situation or because shes stressed out with revising...however thats now been resolved.
Do you remember when you were at your worst...Could you have given up harming then or was it a way for you to cope? I remember how you were. You see right now, I have no help....no therapist to help me make sense of my feelings or to deal with my past, no psych and no social worker or what ever to encourage me to get out the house or to help me with things. I need help to stop..I cant do it on my own,
My hubby shuts off from what goes on with me, almost as if it doest exist..his way of dealing with his depression. Im ok with that though...
My anxiety is really bad and im on lorazepam and temazepan to keep me calm which works to some extent. My doc wants me on duloxetine, but wont prescribe them as im not in the right place for them yet? How do i get myself into the right place when im so depressed.
Im trying...i go into town with the kids, i sit and eat with them...i show interest in what theyre doing, I try to help them where I can...I try to act 'normal' around them
Im doing what I can when I can...but could you imagine at your worst time during your illness being in my situation with three kids? Cutting..not wanting to but having to, having to run a house when you feel like utter shiit, when you can barely get out of bed..
No this isnt me feeling sorry for myself....its the facts at the moment. I would love right now to be under the CMHT..I would love to have a CPN who came to vist and got me out the house, got me doing things that i otherwise wouldnt do..I need pushing as i have no motivation what so ever.....but they wont take me on as im unsuitable
I am doing what i can do to keep this as a normal family home with a normal family life....cant do anymore than that.
Thanks for your words, they did hit home....and i will do all i can to be honest with them....but im certainly not going to publicise my harming.
Hope youre ok x
sorry if that sounded harsh...im angry, at me for the situation i find myself in xx
Why do you think the CMHT feel you're unsuitable, Rowie? I think they are concerned that there is no point in trying to support you when you feel unable to reduce your harming. It's a vicious circle because you feel you can't do it without help, but they are unwilling to help because you feel you can't do it. It might be worth asking your GP if they would take you on if you were able to consider recovery more or see if there are any things he think you can work on to make you more suitable.
Rowie im not saying nor have i ever said or intimated that this is easy. Its dreadfully hard.
As stated above they can only help if you let them and co-operate! there really is no stonger force than your own will. No one in the world can fight that except you!
You need to get their trust back. you need to prove you are showing willing to get well. The ball is in your court.
At some point every single person here has gotten better because they helped themselves to get better in some way. No one did it alone. No one had it done for them either.
Now you CAN get help because that lad in A&E helped. you took a shine to him and he made you feel ok. So that proves you can get help.
We have a "boy who cried wolf" scenario here. the only way to change is for you to show you are changing. Then they will help.
fate brings oportunity and although what has happened with your daughter may seem dreadful and another no0tch on your "**** up" wall, its actually an amazing oportunity.
Now a befriending thing sounds good to me. I had to literally beg MHT to get me added help and i got it with someone who took me walking. Jesus it made a massive change.
Rowie we are worried and we care.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
hun you can do this, your family need some time to adjust to what they probably knew but now know is true. they maybe don't know how to act, feel worried they will make it worse for you, and you're the only person who can with time show them that it doesn't work like that. you've fulfilled your parental duty Rowie, you have been honest with your children, you have let them in, being a parent is a two-way road for love and emotion, questions and answers, learning and teaching. you can do this, i see this as the next step on the board, now you're waiting until you can throw the die again, mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
this is not a **** up, it was never really going to be possible to hide such severe harming from such very intelligent children, and they are, and they are that age now where they can see things you forget they can because you still see them as children.
Freya is seeking help to deal with this, thats a great thing, she has someone to talk to about it, and hopefully if your other children feel they need to they will follow in her steps.
Of course things are a little odd atm they have just found out their much loved mother hurts herself on purpose, it doesnt mean they dont love you, it just means they are going to take a little time to come to terms with it my lovely.
Thank you...ive kind of neglected this post because i have fought shy of telling my eldest. Its not easy because she has moved out now..to a nearby town. I need to talk to her but i am really worried what her response will be...shes very straight forward thinking, very sensible..very wise and im scared. I keep thinking does she really need to know? Could I leave things as they are?
I have googled befrienders and in my town they do them for people with learning difficulties...but I do think Mind may do them too...I need to look into it and then wait until im ready and then ring them...or maybe get tim to on my behalf....I think I would be too scared to go to their building.
I think waiting till you are ready is not the best option. I know it sounds impossible but you need someone to get you out and about.
Hmm not sure what best to suggest, but being taken out of the "comfort" zone will do you the world of good.
Is there no one you can talk to about how best to approach talking to your daughter? How about your sister? I know you were close?
I felt from the off that the therapist you had was weak. Im not sure i like your doctor either. However i really believe that the doc could be a gateway to getting some additional help. I dont know how it works but going as a family (you and husband) could swing things your way a little in making your case seem stronger and showing a greater amount of intent on your behalf.
All you need right now i a little help. I hope you get it soon.
Above all else please please try to rtemember that you cant do everything all at once. Tiny weeny steps forward is all thats required. This is going to be a long and hard process.
Good luck
zxxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Thank you matthew....im sorry but i have to disagree with you about my therapist. She was the one who got me to the point of next to no self harm, she also got me to the place where if I stayed with her I would have been recovered. I realised that I wasnt ready to take that step and backed away from therapy. She knew how to handle me, she was quite tough with me and wouldnt stand for my nonsense......she was good for me and i let her go because I got scared...
As for my doctor, the same really..he supports me and listens to me...hes got me help in the past....alot of help...the stumbling block is the CMHT...he knows if he refers me the same old answer will come back...he really cant influence that as the decision is made away from him, he has no involvement in that. I should have been seeing a psych on thursday, but they cancelled...so now its not until 19th May. Put it this way, there is no chance in hell that I would see any of the others. Im happy with who I see
Im not angry with what youve said because everyone is entitled to an opinion.
I will see how the appointment goes tomorrow before I get Tim involved, but that is something to consider.
Speaking to my sister about how to approach my eldest is a good idea....yeah we are close and im sure she'd be willing to help.
i think you deserve nothing but praise right now. and thats what im giving you.
i wish i had more words. i wish my head was working right. you have inspired me...i do know that. im foggy hunni...but so very very proud of you sweet girl.
sorry everyone....but I give up!! I well and truely give up!!
Ive lost faith in everyone including myself
This is my lot
This is what ive got....deal with it
well i cant ok?
I just cant
Ive had enough of trapsing to the doctors
I dont want to see the bloody psych
What good would it do anyway?
Nothing
Absolutely nothing
imk on sedating meds and i feel like screaming from the rooftops and cutting me to pieces, so theyre obviously not working
Im on anti anxiety meds that were working really well and now im waking up at night feeling sick with worry and getting anxious....been tossing and turning all night with bad thoughts, worrying thoughts....
Oh...and i text my eldest to say that we needed to talk about something.....NOTHING...no reply, nothing nada...so does she know and is avoiding it...worry worry worry, sick feeling anxious....crap
its all just **** and i CANT deal with it ....OK?
DAMN IT!! I ve had my bloody meds...I SHOULDNT BE LIKE THIS!!
You're not weak, nor are you a fail. *cuddles*
Maybe your eldest is unable to reply at the moment? Try not to panic too much. The psych could help you a lot. You don't know that it would do nothing. Give it a chance, Rowie.
You are not a failure Rowie. You have taken some really great steps the last week or so. There are loads of reasons why your daughter might not reply straight away. Please try not to overanalyse it?
Have you gone to your appointment today? How did it go? xx
Im talking to my daughter tomorrow.....i am so scared of her reaction, really scared. Shes lovely but very very sensible and every thing is black and white.....a bit like me i guess. We'll see.
YesEmma, I had my appointment yesterday. I was offered the choice of going on duloxetine....but my doc didnt think it was a good idea yet, so left the choice with me...i opted to leave it. I asked about the Cmht and to be honest i am disappointed having googled their services.....i dont want to say anymore that that really
I had such a bad day mood/depression wise...I just cant take it anymore. There doesnt seem to be an answer and i know if i see the psych I will be fobbed off and feel ever worse for going...there is no point
