Uhhh, Jen, did you just diss Cheryl Cole? I'm not sure we can continue to be friends after such blasphemy... :p
Can you try to talk to adam to explain what you really meant? I'm sure he'd understand.
I know counselling is hard to start with, and 50 minutes can be a long time when you're not in a sharing mood! But keep with it- I think these things are better out than in.
How are you feeling now?
Last edited by Pi.R^2 : 06-04-2011 at 10:46 PM.
Reason: ceeb
doing a bit better today. I am even more exhausted though after a rough nights sleep, had a few scary/weird dreams which didnt help and generally woke up feeling like i hadnt actually slept.
my head's been quieter so i have had an easier day.
I'm not very good at resting robein i dont know how to shut things off properly. quiet times is often when bad thoughts get chance to creep in.
Love and hugs,
an injured jen x
(i twisted my knee and ended up on the floor)
ps. erm jen not really dising cheryl cole just not my kind of music :P/ song. you were joking right?
ouch! sorry about your knee :(
I'm glad your head is being quiet. Have you got some exciting stuff planned this evening to keep you occupied?
P.S. I grew up in the north east, and thus feel an instinctive need to stand up for cheryl cole. But yes, you silly billy, I was joking! We're still friends :D
i had a good weekend
but...
counselling tomorrow
and well still bad things still lurking. some poeple would say going to counsellling would be a goood thing but i felt so bad after last time.
maybe it crap idea. whatever. i crap idea.
so hmmm
sorry
Last edited by long road : 11-04-2011 at 06:16 PM.
Good luck with counselling today. I hope it goes okay.
If you feel like she's making you upset at any point you can always ask for her to stop, and to move on to something else.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
*cuddles*
Glad that you had a good weekend :)
Hmmm, counselling... I hope you feel more positive about it after today's session. Maybe have a think about what it was last week that particularly got to you, and maybe write it down and think about why it upset you. Maybe it's something that needs to be worked through, or maybe it's not helpful to bring it up. Have a think and tell the counsellor what you want out of her- you're the customer, so demand the service you require!
P.S. We gotta fight, fight, fight for this love. If it's worth having it's worth fighting for... :D
counselling was.. maybe okay?
I showed her some of my poetry and she asked a bit bout it and i think it helped explain how i get sometimes. And she asked if she could keep it i said yeah but i'm not so sure now..
I dont know if anything in oaticular upset me last week, its just kind of like letting the bad/ difficult stuff out of the box, and when i do that in a big lump like at counselling the next few days i feel worse.
I don't know what i want the councellor to do but today seemed better she said ok less and asked some questions which i think helped cos i made me think. wasnt just me trying to explain why i'd come today either. still it was hard not so much talking as some of the things i realised in the appointment like how much i blaime myself/ persecute myself. was honest about when i first had suicidal thoughts too, i was 9. which makes me feels a little fucked up.
so different difficult things today. including the whole am i special needs thing. and the bad way it was presented to me, not sure if i want to know or not, do i need another label?
next session isnt for two maybe 3 weeks :s
(she's on holiday next week and im not sure i can do session week after) So who knows?
It sounds like it went a bit better today then :) I guess you have to work out what you think will help help you- opening the box of memories and investigating them and laying them to rest, or just hiding the box somewhere in the back of your mind and hope it goes away. It seems that your memories weren't happy just being ignored, so maybe this is the best option? It will hurt when everything comes out, but it will be for the best in the end, and you'll be able to reconcile the memories or whatever it is one does with bad memories? Then hopefully you can learn to give yourself less of a hard time. Because you're awesome, and don't need to persecute yourself!
Also, you're not fucked up- don't be so hard on yourself! Today I logged into my cat's facebook account and posted on about 5 people's walls pretending to be my cat. Now that is fucked-up...
posting on your cats facebook account as your cat is not fucked up.
i know many who have accounts for pets, mascots (including a squirrel, and a duck) its fun! :) i am friends with elinore squirrel and bernard duck :)
box wise, its how come i get emotion explosions. i been boxing feelings up and blocking them out for a long time and this last year have been trying to deal with them properly but not necessarily effectively. I dont know. they wont let me ignore so i guess i have to keep trying to deal with them. its confusing.
i not very good at liking myself. i guess thats why part of me attacks me, why im so harsh on myself. its stupid these days its almost as if i do the bullies job for them?
special needs bit complicated. to do with a pe teacher saying i probably had dyspraxia. and another one apparently asking my parents if there was something wrong with me? and a random assement when i was rude to lady and never heard anything else all a bit jumbly.
On one of the wall posts, my little sister just commented with 'for goodness sake'. When you're little sister thinks your being lame, it's probably a sign that you're going a little too far... But yay for elinore squirrel and bernard duck! I'm a big fan of pets on facebook :D
Yeah, I think they do want to be dealt with. And it is going to be painful to open them all up, but take it slowly, at your own pace? Maybe it would help to keep a diary about counselling, to take note of what you discussed, anything you learnt etc?
I think it sounds like you have some self-esteem issues, hence why you're not very good at liking yourself. That's something that takes time, and I hope that through have a big life change- leaving school, going to uni etc, you'll be able to 'grow' and learn more about yourself and what it means to be you. It's by discovering yourself that you find your self-esteem. At least I think that anyway. And I might of already bored you with this quote, but anyway, it seems relevant: "If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend?"
hmm, how would you feel about having dyspraxia? If you were diagnosed you would be able to get help (extra time in exams and stuff), so that's a positive, but I guess it depends how you feel about an extra label :-/ Also, I can't imagine you being rude to anyone!
Last edited by Pi.R^2 : 12-04-2011 at 11:16 PM.
Reason: apostrophic catastrophe
little sisters can be like that (i know that i am one ;)) if you want to help your cat facebook do so.
well low self esteem was on my psych notes so guess you right. I been trying since last january to believe im worth liking. I pile up evidence of good things people have said the fact people actually want to be my friend and stick by me beleiving them is the immensley hard part. nice things often make me cry more than the nastiness in my head. someone says something genuinely nice and i break down in tears. i cant believe im worth niceness. i think its going to take a while.
dyspraxia wise extra time might help but i dont want it or extra support, i need to be a tad more self reliant you know, and being told yeah or nay wont stop me falling over.
and i am a polite person (most of the time), but sometimes i can lose it, accidentally go to far or generally swear my head off. i believe the special needs assessor said ' you have a problem with your eyes' and i said ' yes i wear glasses' and walked out, strangely i never heard from her again..
so yeah
Lol, that's not rude- just stating a fact :p And I like your response to dyspraxia "yeah or nay won't stop me falling over". I suppose you're right! Well, it's up to you- extra time might help you, but if you'd rather be self-reliant, that's cool too :)
So, me writing about how you are awesome and stuff will make you sad as opposed to happy? Welllll, just in case you want some extra evidence to add to your pile...
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Jen might not want to read it if it makes her sad :(
You are lovely and I want to be your friend. This is because you are nerdy and cool and very nice. You write nice things on my thread, and have a really funny sense of humour. For example, on your profile under occupation it says "I try to learn stuff". This makes me laugh, even though I'm not sure why :p In conclusion you make me smile and I think that you should like yourself because I like you and I am a ninja therefore I am always right :)
And lol, sounds like special needs person was doing her special-needs voice, which is irritating and deserves a rude response :p In year 7, we had loads of special needs people in our class, and the special needs woman seemed to think we were all completely incapable of following simple instructions, and once came up behind me as I was about to underline the title and draw the table, and explained in a slow, soothing voice, that next I needed to underline the title and draw the table. Sorry, random anecdote, but after 8 years, that memory suddenly came back to me :p
it just breaks through my barriers a bit its not make me sad directly more makes me reaslise how horrible i am to myself, which then makes me sad. depends on how im feeling i guess, it just touches me you know? if that makes sense.
i like your ninja justification :)
and apparently im good at accidentally being funny. *point*
im also talented at falling over!
thank you for being here. you rock! x
erm i'm doing ok and not.
things are a little uncertain did this unlocking your purpose thing at my youth group last night and in one bit we had to think about phrases / words thta describe us from what we think and what friends have said and believing them is hard. and thinking bout it and the fact i might have a future made me cry. guess i'm still trying to learn to like myself.
no kind of failed cos i got all emotional and that.
and i no seeing counsellor this week :(
and i was starting to feel it maybe helped despite being hard. (she on holiday)
but ok weekend.
and not the best treatment/ portrayl of mental health in a tv show i watched tonight hmm.
*hugggsss*
Glad you had an ok weekend :)
And don't worry, unlocking one's purpose takes a little while, I believe!
Boo to counsellor not being there. Is there a friend you could confide in instead, or write on here about what your week has been like, and if you've had any particular thoughts about what you discussed with the counsellor last week?
Ahh, gotta love mental health portrayal on tv. My personal favourite was Silent Witness, with fluoxetine making a guy turn really violent, and the murderer turning out to be the crazy self-harmer. Think the murderer was a self-harmer a few episodes later too! Standard... What were you watching tonight?
lewis,(kinda follow up to morse) it usually a reallly good show. but this one was set round an antidepressant drugs trial, with a somewhat questionable psychologist one person was murdered but it made to look like suicide, a few others died (well one en ded up in coma and was effectively dead) and the murderer turned out to be a 'crazy person' who was a psych student and had some sort of mental health disorder.
might not be seeing counsellor next week either...
i dont know.
really dont.
it hurts.
i'm confused.
i had an awesome evening on monday but also somewhat opened up to my boyfriend's brother's sort of girl friend/ best friend (her name is jen too). me and adam, my boyfriend, went out with his brother , chris and this jen for chris' birthday.
and i liked jen we had lots of chats and jokes and what she said was a better conversation than she could have with someone her age (she's 32 i'm 18). But i kind of ended up telling her stuff, like about my depression etc. and i'm wishing i hadnt she was mostly good about it and seems a lovely genuine person, but WHY? Why does it burst out of me that i end up telling people and regretting it so badly. i didnt go in much detail about it at first but she asked what is was like and i tried to explain and she was only tring to understand but i feel weird about it, that and a remark she made about me not seeming depressed and about self harm not being major (she did it when she was younger a few times) and soemthing about you dont need medication. She was a bit drunk it was all good natured when she noticed it was upsetting me/ i said i couldnt explain she stopped pressing just gave me hug and chatted. i think she genunely only wanted to undersatnd a bit. and it wasnt world's longest convo and we talked about lot else and had fun. but well its confusing.
and now i'm just crying.
seeing memories of bad things, it hurts.
