feeling a tad better today, I did some writing and sent it to my helpline counsellor and she replied and what she said just put a massive smile on my face and made me feel like I could do anything so right now I am actually going 'ok'
although last night was HORRIBLE
I dissociated and dont even remember how I got from the lounge room to my bedroom. I found myself curled up on my bed rocking and crying. I dont remember what happened! I called my pdoc though and she told me to expect it to happen more often - that its just my bodies way of working through the abuse I have endured.
I did though talk to my worker this morning and filled her in on what happened and what her and others can do to help me in the future so yeh!!!
hope everyone is going ok
hopefully this happy phase lasts a while:)
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
I cannot do this. I am struggling to see the light in anything and a big part of me doesnt even care if my leg is infected or not!!!!! Although I did make an apt to get it looked at tomorrow but I just know I will probably cancel it as she is just way too loud right now.
I keep looking around my room hoping and praying something will come out and kill me. I feel so hungry (I am really finding it hard to eat right now). I promised someone I would be safe but I do not know... everything is too loud, overwhelming and crazy
am I even strong enough to work through everything and finally recover? ....right now I dont feel like I am. This scares me:/
help!
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
Sweetheart you CAN do this. I'm so sorry that I wasnt around last night had a major migraine.
Please don't cancel your appt, I know how strong Ella can be, but you can fight her, I really hope that you make it to the appointment.
I can understand the feeling of wanting something to hurt you, but please please keep that promise to stay safe, you know that I couldn't handle it if anything happened to you.
With the eating, do you think that you could just try breaking it down to 6 small meals a day? Even if it's just something like a quarter of an apple, just something to keep you going, do you think you could try that?
I know how you feel questioning if you will ever recover, I really really do as I am grappling with the same thing right now, but I know that you can. Think about what you would say to me and try to apply it to yourself (I know that's much easier said than done but please try).
thankyou ally. and dont worry about last night.... as the hrs went on I probably wouldnt have even been able to call you let alone talk - sorry
I am trying to eat but the thought of just putting something in my mouth terrifies me. I know it isnt rational but its soooooo strong.
I kept safe last night as promised but I wasnt able to eat. I was lying in bed before thinking of just having a few bites of an apple but its too scary...
where the hell did this fear come from? I do not understand:s
I was going so well with eating... and now this and for it to happen so suddenly
I think its ella taking what ever control she can get. I cannot fight her. I am so exhausted right now and I am freaking out about communal dinner tonight:(
My leg is killing me. I want to cancel the apt. If I was seeing leisa then maybe I could keep it for her sake... but dr fuckwit - I just cant do it I cant
I am not scared but I am
I dont know what to do:/
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
Are you drinking anything (besides alcohol) at the moment? Could you try just having some water?
Anything that you eat is better than nothing. I can totally understand how you're feeling, but even a bite of an apple is something. Are there any workers there you could talk to to give you some support?
I know how much you hate that doctor but you really need to get your leg looked at, please please don't cancel.
I love you so much sweetheart, you can do this, and you can kick Ella's ass out of your life, you just have to hold on.
I havnt drank alcohol in a long while now - although some right now would be great
and yeh I have been having sips of cordial now and again but yeh...
and right now I do not know about ella. it was bad enough yesterday when V pretty much ended the session abruptly and all because I went silent and could no longer talk
I feel like I am falling further and further down. I am not even allowed to take a prn right now - too loud and I am not allowed:s
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
and yeh most of my workers know about ella and at least one of the staff members in the supported accommodation I live at.
communal dinner was so hard last night. Straight after eating I went so quiet and found anything hard to do. I tried to bring myself out of it but it was so hard. And I was exhausted after fighting too, so exhausted that I went to bed round 10ish and I did not rise from my bed till just after 10 this morning!
I briefly just spoke to A from kids helpline before. She helped me to challange my head in regards to the eating and I now have a plan of attack which is helping me a lot. So now we just gota see how I go with dinner tonight...
I am very grateful I am able to talk to A whilst B is unable to get to the office to be on the phones (due to recent flooding) I dont feel as alone and A works so well with me, after hanging up the phone I always have a smile on my face, ALWAYS
hope everyone is going ok
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
yesterday when I was changing the dressing on my leg I couldnt stop myself from making it worse:s
I spent most of yesterday afternoon making something for a good friend (she is finding things tough too right now) and although I may have smiled once or twice - it was very short lived and didnt last
right now I am in my room sitting on the floor. I feel like talking is pointless and there is no use when I cant even verbalise the very bad thoughts racing through my mind:(
I am trying to listen to music to shut the thoughts out but its no use - they are too loud
I just fucking give up! There is no point to this constant battle. Maybe once I could have fought this shit and won... but right now I dont think I can.
sorry - just how I am feeling right now *cries*
I dont know what to do
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
Ehh...not doing too well but I'm fine. Thanks for asking (and that sounds condescending - "thanks for asking" but I really mean it. Thank you - people don't ask me that)
