thanks for the link, will have a look.
And yes, Ange, I'm very lucky with my family.
The thougfhts they'd be better off are quieter today.
I know i need to do whatever it is to get out of this, no one else can help/do it for me.
thx gfor the replies, support, always appreciated.
Romp, recovery isnt a straight path and I dont think it is something anyone ever truly reaches. There are hard times, and there are times we do things wrong and pay for it. There are regretts and anger. But you see, this is all part of the big picture. How can you truly enjoy something, if you have never seen the bad? Kinda like the, you cant have a rainbow without the rain. You could never say a chair is comfrtable, if you have never sat on an uncomfortable chair. The same with life and life situations.
I dont think being well, is a matter of not having problems and being happy all the time. I think it is more so, being able to view things with perspective, to say yes, right now things are ****, but I have past experince that things can get better. To not hold it against yourself when things are not great.
Romp you have come so far and you are going so far. I think at this point, it is damage control that you need. That yes, things will happen you dont like and you will feel crap, but you need to get through it in the best way that you can, so to come out the otherside not hating yourself as amuch as you might do.
cant sleep thosstill feeli ng stoned from the ****ing valium i hate valium! Told them i would take prn quetiqpine...nope. issited valium either i take it or they inject.
So ****ing mad at that.
been off lith for a good while now, cant even remember right now hopw long, but doc said coulsd try.
been up and down biut able to manage it
yesterday was going off so took prnm, settled then idk..ppl brealking in, faces in the windowd
hid
then just manixc i guess couldnt sit H fianlly made me agree to er, they kept me
up most the night, one flipping out, scremanin sent ome off got sdcared, more vlaium, locked in obs room
my head is still fiucked still
didnt want meds, wanted to help me settle without nope
i donmt want to blasted with drugs, i want helpo to laern how to manage
so angrtybeen alnmost 2 years with no iP
thx
I'm so sorry you are struggling romperfry. I don't know your full history but I know you've been a lot of pain and I'm really sorry to feel that because you seem lilke a good, kind person. You reached out to me when I first came to the forum and i'll not forget that.
Your msgs on here can be quite unclear sometimes and I was just wondering if there was a reason for that? Are you typing really fast? Or is it difficulties concentrating mentally?
I tried to ask for valium from the dr the other day but she convinced me with the amount of driving I do for work it wouldn't be safe...she said it's like have a bad hangover. In fact she said 'you might as well have a double vodka on the sporadic occasions in which you may have decided to take some valium'....so I opted for the double vodka! So yeh I can understand how knocked out you feel.
Have you managed to get into any therapy programmes yet? I know there was a time when you thought you were doing okay and didn't think you needed it....i dunno personally I've found it useful....i know i'm not exactly the poster girl for perfect mental health but still....maybe you can do that? In your original post you made some 'i never knew' comments and they were definate indications of how sick you were. It is very hard to see the warning signs when you are sick...i'm sorry. Maybe a therapist could help you see these?
I agree with BitterAngel, life isn't a straight line...you'll already know that deep down though i'm sure....it has peaks and troughs and you are doing the best you can enduring the pain you are in. You are brave. Never forget that!!
(will type careful as jumble is annoying, sorry)
My head goes off and i look at it but seems ok, or maybe too fast and head off, idk.
thx caged. You have been a great support for me, thc for that.
Things have been getting 'off' but i really was managimg it seemd anyways.
I want off the lithium, am on too many meds
Doc said i could try but would monitor. well havent been able to get there often sooo..
I guess im scared about therapy? convinced someone else neds it more? I have no idea what to even talk about
Things had been ghetting so good. Meds seemed good, but he has added another ad and back to all of the quetiapine, was just down to a (lowered) dose at night. Now i guess back to prn/daytime dose, idk.
It all seemed to be working.
Im going to try to get in during the week to see him. My referral ran out for OP services so need re-referral.
I think i do need this, hate to admit.
Feels more faiklure, that i cant do it myself.
Drinking is good, none since last weekend, fel better for it too. nice sirprise there.
wow, im rambling nnow, sorry
no one much to talk to i suppose.
Anyways, thx, you are all so supportive so..just there.
meawns so very much to me that ppl care.
love ya all
xx
You are not rambling.
I am sorry you ended up in the ER and things did not go as well as you pleased. But you know what? You agreed to go with your husband there, you dealt with the immediate risk/issue and were discharged less than 24 hours later. That is PROGRESS on how you were three years ago or so. It is a blip. Painful, yes....but certainly NOT a failure.
Maybe things are more difficult for you now,maybe being totally off the lithium is not 'right' for you at this moment, maybe that is why your seroquel use has increased. Are there only other, newer drugs with less side effects like lamotrigine/topirimate etc that you could try instead of lithium? I truely understand your hatred of being on so many meds and I know it is not ideal. But just because you need them now, does not mean in the future (once you have had more OP therapy *gives you a look*) that you will not be able to cope on less medication. Just maybe now is not the time.
Re therapy. Screw other people. There will always be people that 'need it more' (or at least that is how we can convince ourselves). If you did not need it then they would not waste their time referring you. You do need it and what is more you DESERVE it and will probably use it better than a lot of people because you want to feel better and are probably more committed to moving forward. Take the damn referral, grab it in both hands and use this opportunity to get over this blip and CONTINUE to move forwards.
You can do it Romp, you have not failed...promise. And I would tell you if I thought you had (probably not that politely either :P ).
I understand all your concerns regarding therapy. Often I tell my therapist that i'm over-reacting and there are people more worthy of her time...but honestly, deep down, i know i would not be in therapy if I didn't have to be, heck i'd be living my life!! I've never truly understood why therapy/meds makes ppl feel as though they are a failure...i dunno why, maybe because of the way i was introduced to mental health (e.g. i knew nothing until I went to the drs and diagnosed with depression)....but the one thing I know about therapy having done it for quite a while....it takes guts and courage! It certainly does not make anyone a failure, in fact it makes someone brave....confronting painful issues and changing them is hard! Very hard. Oh and btw, you don't need anything to talk about, i'm a long time into it and i still don't feel i have anything to 'talk' about but i go 2x a week and somehow we manage to fill sessions with something significant. Trust yourself.
You made me giggle Emma...yes, I believe you would tell me in no uncertain terms. That's what is so wonderful about you.
And, yes, I have to admit (happily, too) that I AM better than before.
Things have just been getting wiggy and I *thought* I was handling it ok...but after a bit I guess I lose some perspective.
Never made it to doc today, but have enough to last till sunday night so will go Monday. Yes, i will ask for a re-referal.
Thx, caged, it helps to know others feel the same.
It's time to really move forward and I can't do it alone.
Thx again, so very much.
Much love
xx
*glomps my nnsbjb*
HAD to be done!
Yes, it is time. If I could have 'fixed' this myself...well..'nuff said.
Feel better today. Threw out the damn valium they gave me.
Thx Jess.
xx
Just short note...lost internet.
Am back working w/gf..need the money.
Things...could be better.
But, good news, still lithium free (YAY!) & new med is working well so far *fingers crossed*
Anywyas, sorry not about, Jess, Ems, Kim, Frainy,Caged andanyone i forgot (sorry in a hurry), thinking of you lots.
much love
xxx
I am so glad you have posted! *not that I am a profile stalker of yours or anything >.>
Sounds like a bit of a mixed batch for you at the moment! Sorry things could 'be better' but am happy the new med is helping and that you are off the lithium (sure your kidneys are as well :P ). Hope you get the internet back soon Romp. Miss you and your direct humour and advice around here xxx
